My husband is brain injured from his aneurysms and is often very unpleasant/angry/mean. Even if I say or ask something in a neutral or nice tone of voice he often takes it as if I were scolding him and overreacts. Today I swept, washed, and waxed some floors [this was his job but he stopped doing it a few months ago] and then he walked on them before the wax was dry. When I asked him why he went into those rooms, being careful to make it a simple query, I got the facts in an angry tone of voice and then he bared his teeth at me! I understand that he was hungry and couldn't wait. I wasn't mad. But why he is angry at me is beyond me. I wonder if he cannot distinguish tone of voice sometimes, or if it is something else. Any ideas? Thanks!
That is a common result of brain injury. he isn't picking up clues. A good speech therapist experienced in brain injury rehab can help. You may also consider cognitive therapy with an experienced psychologist.
He isn't picking up all the clues on incoming and can't monitor the outgoing well. This is not at all unlike an autistic kiddo. Now if he stays mad and "carries a grudge" thats a different matter. Usually they have no clue what happened or how they came across
Thank you for your note. I can understand why you or anyone would get angry or angrier than you used to--the frustration. It's not pleasant to hear but it's understandable. And it sounds like you aren't directing it toward your family, which is good! Maybe if you gave them a warning, "Okay, I'm going to get angry now," and then you let loose it would help? That would take the startle element out of it, if there is one in your situation.
Laurie
Louisa C said:
Laurie, It must be very hard for you...since I had my rupture, I get more angry than I ever did before because I get very frustrated not being able to do what I was able to do before.
When I get angry, it starts a cycle of emotions from my loved ones. So I understand how hard it is for you. The only thing I can suggest is that you stay calm.....which I know isn't' easy.
That's great information! Very helpful. He has been through a rehab program--6 years ago. They discontinued him when he stopped making improvements. He has Kaiser now, I wonder if they would approve him for more speech therapy? Their counseling department seemed to be bare bones and my husband thinks I have all the problems. But I think I could get him to go with me. I sure can't function very well under these circumstances! And I never know when he is going to be this way. He can also be quite pleasant. In fact he is skilled at maintaining a polite facade with everyone but me and my brother [who he lived with for 2 years because I couldn't handle him.]
Laurie
tj1 said:
That is a common result of brain injury. he isn't picking up clues. A good speech therapist experienced in brain injury rehab can help. You may also consider cognitive therapy with an experienced psychologist.
He isn't picking up all the clues on incoming and can't monitor the outgoing well. This is not at all unlike an autistic kiddo. Now if he stays mad and "carries a grudge" thats a different matter. Usually they have no clue what happened or how they came across
Hi Laurie! As your husbands caretaker, this is as much of a recovery for You as it is for him and wish you both more smiles than tears & fears thru this healing journey you are both on. As a Survivor of a rupture; please know that he is not angry with You and see this as him having a hard time accepting what I call the "new normal". Even if you can't physically see these struggles; believe me, they are there as I know this from first hand experience. My thinking is that he is more frustrated with himself than You and YOU are truly a Blessing to him even if this doesn't come across as such! Hang in there and know that, with time, he will settle into his "new normal" and things will flow more smoothly and one day you just may sit back and find laughter with some of our nonsense we put the ones closest to us thru early in our recovery. Hope this helps a bit.
I have a Brain injured granddaughter we are raising. We fortunately are able to have caretakers living with us (She calls them her nannies) We have a team meeting every few months. her Docs, School folk, PT, OT, therapist, CSET, Family Support specialist, nannies, respite care givers and us.
Of course we always start out with "celebrations" and such. ALWAYS the school folk exclaim what a wonderful creative and funny child she is. The Nannies, my wife, and I always groan and start to laugh. All we remember is her latest melt down which can be extremely violent (foot through the wall stuff). The therapist always jumps in to remind us that because she is confident in her love/bonding between us she feels safe at home and just can't keep all the balls in the air. She is right, but it doesn't make it any easier. I always say the same thing. Why can't she have the melt down at school and let us have the sweet funny Girl for an evening.
Its not that she is selective, the school has certainly seen her otherside as has any of her therapists who have pushed her, its just different with different people and different situations. Its called "honeymooning" Its been going for 11 years. She is making progress and I'm damn proud of her BUT...........
My husband had 2 cerebral aneurysms, 14 years apart. 1993 and 2007. He is brain-injured in all the ways you listed. He can do his ADLs pretty well but he occasionally forgets to turn off burners. His grooming isn't the best. He gets himself to ABI classes 3 times a week using Paratransit. He gets mad almost every day, sometimes several times, and sometimes goes into screaming rages--at me and no one else. We have no children. My brother lives 600 miles away and he was surly with him when he lived there. If his name comes up he always has something negative to say. He used to like him! My brother is a low key kind of guy and responsible. My husband was not able to see anything but his own needs in relation to my brother and felt they should be met as he [my husband] saw fit. No "big picture" thinking. So in this case he carries a grudge. With me, I can't tell. Sometimes I am thanked for what I do but when he doesn't get what he wants then a long list of my horrible traits are brought up pretty consistently.
No, he almost never apologizes. Maybe once a year. If I bring it up, even nicely, he just gets angrier. It would seem that talking about it is somehow too much for him and he doesn't want to go there.
Yes, I do feel afraid when he acts like this.
Thanks for your sympathy and understanding,
Laurie
Barb said:
Hi Laurie,
Sorry to hear that you feel like you are walking on eggshells. Not a very nice place to be in.
First, I guess I would like to know.
1.) How is your husband specifically brain injured; i.e., poor memory, loss of concentration, frustration or physical limitations, etc.?
2.) How often does he lose his temper, say in a day?
3.) Is it always directed at you or has he lost his temper with any other people or situations?
4.) So, in this particular situation he was hungry and couldn't wait, is this what he conveyed by you saying, "I got the facts in an angry tone of voice and then he bared his teeth at me!"
I'm just trying to understand what is happening between the two of you. Obviously, it is not pleasant for either of you and kind of scary for you...especially with him baring his teeth at you?
5.) Most important does he acknowledge his inappropriate anger towards you after the fact? In other words, does he apologize?
If this is a constant everyday occurrence then maybe some psychological counseling is order, if he is not seeing somebody already. As this type of behavior is not acceptable to endure, no matter what the cause. I am not a therapist, but I am guessing that he has a lot of built up frustration and is very frightened that he has lost his past self, taking his self esteem away with it as well.
It unfortunately seems that his only way to compensate for his lack of self esteem is taking out his frustration/anger on those closest to him...or mainly you it seems by what you have said.
I really hope you get some advice here from others here who have been through similar situations and how they managed and coped.
All the best, and please get back to me if you wish.
Laurie, you need some outside help. I assume you are receiving some kind of case management services from where he is getting his ABI classes. Tell them what you have told us. If not call adult protective services and tell them. He needs help to manage himself or you simply can not manage to care for him. No one should ever have to be afraid. There are Brain Injury Assisted living facilities available as well as supervised independent living. When he understands THAT may be his future he will participate with a bit more vigor be it therapy or what have you.
There are no case management services where my husband takes his classes. It's part of the community college district, education-oriented not social services oriented. As far as I have been able to determine there is a giant crack for brain injury survivors and we have fallen through it. There are monthly support groups for caregivers. I went to 2 different ones and none of these people had brain injured family members. In fact, my situation was so dramatic that the leader asked me not to come back, politely, because my situation was so off-topic for the other members. There is one agency that provided me excellent counseling but it was only once a year! I've taken my husband to 3 therapists and none of them got it that he needed specialized help, they all related to us as though this were solely a marital problem. The neuropsychologist that ran the rehab program that he was part of warned me about this. There is one therapist that specializes in brain injury but he is private pay. I would have to convince Kaiser [my husband's insurance company] that they could not provide what this therapist can in order to get them to pay for it. We cannot afford much of anything anymore.
For 2 months I had my husband in a board and care for brain injured people. It was incredibly expensive and not that good. As far as I know the only places that provide living accommodations for the brain injured are At Least that expensive. Are you familiar with places that are affordable? I'm in California. What state are you in?
As far as Adult Protective Services goes, he has called them On Me in order to gain control or try to get his way. I doubt they would help me now. The first time, I had picked up an extension phone to get a friend of his who had been bad influence to get off the phone. That is illegal I found out! The second time he had been admitted to the hospital, was parked in a hallway because they didn't have a bed ready, was freaking out and called them. The case worker that came out was extremely intimidating to me telling me that they could have me arrested if there was a next time, even though I hadn't done anything. They are scary.
I think my husband would like supervised independent living but I don't think we have it in this city. It might require the sale of our home, divorce, or at the least renting a room out in our house, in order to afford it. Frankly, I am not up to any of that at the moment. My husband is also a hoarder of sorts [not trash though] so there is that aspect to factor into the equation.
My extended family is not able to help to the extent I need it.
I am open to any and all suggestions so keep sending me any you have. It seems there should be some kind of social services for this situation but when I have looked there weren't any. It's been a few years, maybe things have changed?
Laurie
tj1 said:
Laurie, you need some outside help. I assume you are receiving some kind of case management services from where he is getting his ABI classes. Tell them what you have told us. If not call adult protective services and tell them. He needs help to manage himself or you simply can not manage to care for him. No one should ever have to be afraid. There are Brain Injury Assisted living facilities available as well as supervised independent living. When he understands THAT may be his future he will participate with a bit more vigor be it therapy or what have you.
This association sponsored the board and care I had him in. When I have called them before they weren't able to help. I don't really get what they do except advocate and raise money. I believe they are an all volunteer organization.
Call 609 697 7477. This is a Community Solutions office that Priscilla at 858-■■■■■■■■ referred me to. She assures me they can assign a case worker to you to help navigate the system and assign a lawyer.. I also visited with the YWCA domestic violence center who said to not hesitate to call their 24 hour line at 619.234.3164 the very next time you feel threatened or scared. I told them I though it was pretty much an ongoing thing . they said not to wait and also referred us to Community solutions.
We are anonymous here or I wouldn't post the next.
Every state is different, but sometimes it takes some dramatic action to get the ball rolling even in my area where we all know each other. What I am saying is you may have to get law enforcement involved. If he is having a particularly bad outburst they can force admittance which is followed by an evaluation. If you refuse to allow him home the hospital will have to workout a discharge plan which would include some of the care/living arrangements we are talking about. The agency's numbers I gave you will help you through all of this and explain what needs to happen. i just don't want you to be shocked when you hear some of the stuff the first time.
Thank you, Barb. I agree with everything you wrote. Making it happen is another thing! I do appreciate your caring and it means a lot to me so see that someone understands. I feel stuck and drained.
Laurie
Barb said:
Laurie, I agree with tj1 in that you need outside help and soon! You already had your brother take him for 2 years because you couldn't handle him (and with good cause). Also, this has been ongoing for way too many years.
If you are truly fearful of him, that is not acceptable. I also find it a little concerning that he doesn't as you say, sincerely apologize which could be a processing problem? You have a life too Laurie which deserves a fear free one, at the very least. Maybe look into these facilities tj1 mentioned and go from there. You are presently it seems caught up in a vicious circle of everyday anger and (rage sometimes) coming from him towards you and something has to give. To me, I do not see this pattern changing without outside support/assistance and instruction or if needed, to be admitted to Brain Injury Assisted living facility or have supervised independent living.
There comes a time when you have to do what is best for everyone. I'm sorry you are going through this Laurie and hopefully you will reach out for the appropriate help you and your husband need!
When I said I was afraid of my husband, I meant at times like the one I described when he bared his teeth at me. But he is not violent or physically abusive. I think it's a normal mammalian response to feel afraid at teeth baring. He is verbally abusive though, for sure. What I need is help from someone who understands brain injury and caregiving. I doubt domestic violence services understand this anymore than APS or the therapists we've seen. I don't need more trouble in my life and I'm pretty sure that's what they would bring. I am not in a financial position to afford any other living arrangements than what we have. It would cause me to go into bankruptcy and lose my house. No way am I taking a chance on that happening. My husband would also hold it against me and seek revenge later, such as in divorce court, and he has a friend that would love to help him with this simply to exercise his skills in consumer protection. {The bad influence friend.} I have worked for social service agencies in the past and schools and I know how they "think." It's very basic, not global, and most of all they have rules they most follow or they will lose their jobs. No, I'm not up for that kind of thing. I need a person with some individual authority and expertise to offer me specific help. Like a skilled social worker in private employment. Know any of those? I am in the San Diego Metro area.
Laurie
tj1 said:
I'm not sure where in the San Diego area you are.
Call 609 697 7477. This is a Community Solutions office that Priscilla at 858-272-5777 referred me to. She assures me they can assign a case worker to you to help navigate the system and assign a lawyer.. I also visited with the YWCA domestic violence center who said to not hesitate to call their 24 hour line at 619.234.3164 the very next time you feel threatened or scared. I told them I though it was pretty much an ongoing thing . they said not to wait and also referred us to Community solutions.
We are anonymous here or I wouldn't post the next.
Every state is different, but sometimes it takes some dramatic action to get the ball rolling even in my area where we all know each other. What I am saying is you may have to get law enforcement involved. If he is having a particularly bad outburst they can force admittance which is followed by an evaluation. If you refuse to allow him home the hospital will have to workout a discharge plan which would include some of the care/living arrangements we are talking about. The agency's numbers I gave you will help you through all of this and explain what needs to happen. i just don't want you to be shocked when you hear some of the stuff the first time.
As I said community solutions (who is not a domestic violence agency) will assign you a case worker to locate appropriate resources. It is always your choice what you want to do And while it goes against my grain to offer judgement, I have got to say what you said about your husband and his so called friends scares the hell out of me more than anything up to this point. Please find YOURSELF a personal advocate.
hi Laurie, what probably happened is he forgot wax was on floor and then the inappropriate anger ensued as he erred at the processing of your tone, I would be very careful and handle him with extreme care. My question is why ask why he went in there- this just irritated more cause he misconceived it as being confrontational I am guessing- judging from my own experiences. Keep in mind he cannot help it but hopefully will improve, my heart goes out to you as I recall myself getting angry for minor things, keeping you in thoughts and prayers tc~
also I was thinking of whys, my theory is he cannot multi task or even think of 2 things at once so wax would be first to slip away rather than getting a bite to eat- we think with our stomachs-lol anyway not trying to make excuses for him but trying to convey understanding. Hope you get some help with this, let us know please~~
Hi Laurie, I have read some of the discussion and just caught up today. You guessed right - Adult Protective Services protects your husband, not you. As long as he is not in any danger at your house, there is not much they will do. I used them a lot when I was taking care of an ex-neighbor without any relatives. The one thing they did really well - their financial dept. was really great when it came to resources. They advised and put his cash on hand ($20,000 at that point) into a fund so that he would qualify for quite a few services. They still represented him even when I became his guardian (unfortunately, 5 days before he died). It might be that you could make an appointment with them and let them know exactly what is going on without your husband present. At the least, they may be able to give you some resources.
And, like Ron stated, a lot of people who have had bleeds and injuries cannot multi task. Even though I did not have a rupture, I find it hard sometimes to think things out numerically (and I used to do accounting at one point). I, too, get frustrated then and usually have to withdraw with an apology.
I know domestic violence all too well - have spoken about it at universities, summer camps, etc. I don't think that this is something the hot lines can help with. I assume you have spoken to neurologists, psychiatrists, etc. to see if there is medication that can calm him down? You really have a lot on your plate and I applaud you for all you have done. I doubt that anything I said will help, but I wanted you to know that we are thinking of you and you have our support.
Thanks again. I will keep this info. I looked up Community Solutions online and domestic violence is a big part of what they do. I really appreciate your support on my behalf.
Laurie
tj1 said:
As I said community solutions (who is not a domestic violence agency) will assign you a case worker to locate appropriate resources. It is always your choice what you want to do And while it goes against my grain to offer judgement, I have got to say what you said about your husband and his so called friends scares the hell out of me more than anything up to this point. Please find YOURSELF a personal advocate.
The goal here is to make a situation where you can take care of your husband and he can allow you to. These agencies can be a lot of help or can help you locate the right resources. This is NOT an unusual situation. The circumstances may vary from dementia to brain injury to illness. I have even seen CPS do wonderful things for families. Circumstance can create situations NOBODY wants to see. Nobody should feel trapped.