Inappropriate anger

General
21

hi ronk,

thank you for your input! the bottle of wax was on the floor in front of the door he used to go into the kitchen and he had moved it. i had also told him i was going to wax the floor. i heard him go in not long after I finished. that's why I asked him why he went in, it didn't make sense to me. I don't really care about perfectly waxed floors but he seemed to show no respect for my work. Finding out he was hungry explained that. He can't wait once he feels hunger. But then getting mad at me for asking "why?" really disturbed me.

I agree he may forget things and be mad about that. And I hadn't thought that solving his hunger problem + respecting the floor was multi-tasking but I guess it is! Still, the anger directed at me.....I don't understand that.

Laurie


ronk said:

hi Laurie, what probably happened is he forgot wax was on floor and then the inappropriate anger ensued as he erred at the processing of your tone, I would be very careful and handle him with extreme care. My question is why ask why he went in there- this just irritated more cause he misconceived it as being confrontational I am guessing- judging from my own experiences. Keep in mind he cannot help it but hopefully will improve, my heart goes out to you as I recall myself getting angry for minor things, keeping you in thoughts and prayers tc~

22

check this out Laurie, i hope it helps http://www.bafound.org/caregivers-0

23

hi laurie thanks for your reply, umm what I meant was we can not only not multi task but we cannot even think two things at once, its one thing or the other, and yes you are right, what he did is very wrong hopefully he will see the error in his ways and stop the meanness. its almost like we are 2 yrs old again throwing temper tantrums. Blaming caregiver is very common my nurse friend told me and I googled and found tons of stuff-even non brain patients, I found this-http://www.divinecaroline.com/self/dont-shoot-caregiver , will keep you both in thoughts and prayers, tc

24

Hello Laurie,
Perhaps a call to the neurosurgeons office to let them know what is going on. Perhaps they can suggest a therapist and/or give you some guidance. Even a call to your husband’s regular doctor to see what help is available. Please note that TJ1 is neither a survivor or a professional in this field. Good luck.
Penny

25

Laurie, Tj1 is absolutely correct in guiding you to Community Solutions. Before she died my aunt volunteered there in San Diego, she was from Chula Vista. She helped some of their adult programs get going of which my cousins are very proud and so am I. My aunt was the resource person to talk to for anything SDCo offers. Though DV is a big thing, IT Is Not All They Do. Please go back and get their phone number that tj1 posted. Give them a call, it will not hurt anything. Worse they can do is say no. But they may just be able to help not only your husband but you as well. Call Monday please and let us know what they say.

26

Actually Iwas a professional in the field except mostly retired except for teaching and supervising clerkships. you have no idea where I have been, but continue with your rant anyway. I'm just not sure what I did to deserve it except spend several hours on phone calls for the OP.

Penny said:

Hello Laurie,
Perhaps a call to the neurosurgeons office to let them know what is going on. Perhaps they can suggest a therapist and/or give you some guidance. Even a call to your husband's regular doctor to see what help is available. Please note that TJ1 is neither a survivor or a professional in this field. Good luck.
Penny
27

Thank you ALL for your input!

tj1, your urging to get some support for myself led me to do more searching online. i can't believe it but I actually found a Psychologist that takes my insurance that understands brain injury! She has had one herself, from a tumor being removed. I made an email inquiry and she responded with a detailed letter that made my jaw drop. So I will be setting up an appointment with her. THANK YOU for urging me on!

It was painful to search because it was complicated and had never been fruitful before. I did 2 searches and cross-checked. First I searched with my insurance company. They actually have a specialty area called "Traumatic Brain Injury" now. My husband has an Acquired brain injury but I've noticed that "Traumatic" is often used interchangeably by the public. [The insurance company should know better and just use "Brain Injury" IMO.] Then I did a search for "brain injury therapist" and my city. Then started reading the bios that came up for each therapist in the latter search. None of them seemed like they for sure knew about brain injury until I came to the last one. What a harrowing day that was! This is the kind of fine grain work that I have never found an agency willing to do. Usually they have a list of resources and pull from that. Without your support I would not have undertaken this task as it can be so draining and I am already drained. But it paid off and yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long while! [My husband was also in a good mood for his own reasons.]

So thank you again and I will let you know how it goes.

Laurie

28

GREAT! please keep me in the loop that is WONDERFUL news. No question you are a strong one. You husbands annie already has one victim, it doesn't get more - Right???

29

wtg laurie! I hope and pray the outcome is like night and day, I believe moving forward starts with one step, thanks for the update and let us know whats up if possible, tc!

30

Good advocating for yourself and your husband!

31

Thank you all! I don't think I am that strong a person but I am persistent. I see the therapist tonight. I have felt better just knowing I have someone to talk to.

32

Hope your first session went well, I’m really proud of you Laurie for taking an active part in seeking help. Caregivers have a rough road to hoe sometimes.

33

Penny,

Just so you know, the last time we saw my husband's neurosurgeon was 6 years ago. He's out of the picture. As far as letting my husband's doctor know, I did, several times. I even bought and gave her a book on emotional abuse! She said a few things to my husband but it did not help. She has transferred to another department within Kaiser and now he has a new doctor. We saw an intake social worker at Kaiser and then a psychiatrist, for his depression Rx. Useless! She completely ignored me. No acknowledgement, let alone referral, to special counseling for brain injury. I did ask too. The intake counselor had more on the ball than the psychiatrist, who was a cold blooded little thing. My husband is good at presenting himself as rational and together. He has a friend that he imitates. But he is not rational at home. He is also able to control his emotions at his school program. Of course, no one ever corrects him there. It is like any school program where it's clear what you are there to do. At home he seems to think he is a king and can do whatever he pleases, no matter the consequences.

Laurie


Penny said:

Hello Laurie,
Perhaps a call to the neurosurgeons office to let them know what is going on. Perhaps they can suggest a therapist and/or give you some guidance. Even a call to your husband's regular doctor to see what help is available. Please note that TJ1 is neither a survivor or a professional in this field. Good luck.
Penny
34

Thanks. It went well but like most first sessions did not go far. The therapist was supportive. I gave her one example of talking about something [a few days after the fact] with my husband. She thought his thinking was very childlike and black and white. She wondered why I even try to respond on a rational level. This was hard to explain to her. He is way more capable than a child of arguing his position and twisting a situation. I feel I need to counter these ideas. She pointed out that it probably does no good. Yet I cannot just let them stand. I believe he will think I have agreed with him. "Well, you didn't say anything back," I can hear him saying later. Any thoughts on this, anyone?

Laurie



Moltroub said:

Hope your first session went well, I'm really proud of you Laurie for taking an active part in seeking help. Caregivers have a rough road to hoe sometimes.
35

Laurie, I think in black and white now as well. Although I still am quite intelligent,(psych eval to prove it) I have difficulty processing innuendos and it is extremely frustrating. I used to be really good at it! My partner challenges my thought processing, the words I use, often incorrectly, and questions what the heck I was thinking when I do stupid things. I used to be mostly right and am now finding myself not always right. We joke about it. But it’s very important for me to retrain my brain. Think of his ability to process on a two year old level or a teenager level, sometimes I think teens are like two year olds!

Also does he have a mental health diagnosis? When I worked with families, kids would act out, caregivers would take them to the ER as directed. Guess what? 90% would calm down upon entering the ER. It’s always cooler in an ER. And they would be sent home with the doctor saying leave them alone for awhile.

Your husband does not have the right to bully or intimidate you. Each time he does and gets away with it, the behavior is reinforced. Is he willing to go to therapy with you?

36

slow and easy is the way, u are wise not to expect quick improvements, small gains are huge at this point, hang in there I really believe you are on the right track!~~~

37

Laurie.

I have been working on numerous data on the anatomy / functions of the parts of our brain...

So driven...because they are not openly addressed in the marketing of the minimally invasive procedures...and, the interconnections of those arteries for access of procedure/treatment.

I have shared info on the temporal lobe / hippocampus / limbic system...and have done tremendous research re: the emotions/functions...because I had lost my ability to read/comprehend and everything else imaginable...

So helpful: http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/kinser/Structure1.html The first is: Brain Structures and their Functions...Cerebrum, Cerebellum, Limbic system, Brain Stem... then the glossary...

There are many other sites; this one is easy to read...at least, for me; may help to select questions to your hubby's neurologist/neuro-whatever...to determine which rehab services would be helpful to him.

I, and a few others, have been working on info on the anatomy of the particular artery hosting the aneurysm, a/w/a the access arteries/structures...regardless if the procedure is endovascular or open surgery...Has he been given the neuropsych testing to help determine beneficial treatment?

Over time, I have addressed, attempted to, diff portions; the sphenoid bone starts w/eye sockets to nasal sinuses, to the cavity holding our pituitary of which the area is called sella turcica... our pituitary is supplied/controlled by the hypothalamus in our limbic system re: emotions...which Bryn Mawr brings a part down to: "Amygdala: part of telencephalon, located in the temporal lobe...re: memory, emotion and fear...essentially the brain's warning center...the fight-or-flight response originates w/the amygdala...

just beneath the surface of the front, medial part of the temporal lobe where it causes the bulge on the surface called the uncus... a component of the limbic system..."

Laurie...in the minimally invasive procedure done on me, there was/were numerous dissections of my arteries ...and extravasated contrast dye onto the tissue of the structures...When the lobe tissue dies/decays, it shrinks; the adjacent ventricle (parent of CSF) expands...mine has maintained normal CSF flow, thus far, I have not had to have a shunt implant...This is just a tiny intro to the results of the minimally invasive procedure used on me...I will publish next year...parts are in process...

My apologies for the length of this...I so encourage you to ask your hubby's docs far more questions.

Wishing you and hubby your best results...

Pat