I think a lot of it is that variability in regard to the outcome. My neuro symptoms had been slowly growing over many years. In a way I’d slowly ‘adjusted’ to them. There were signs but nobody identified a bigger issue until there was a major issue. I got headaches, but I thought that was ‘normal’. All of my previous dr’s minimised it, so I ignored it all.
Each surgery has been performed to manage a physiological issue and the operations have managed the issue. BUT the post-surgery side effects/symptoms for me have been chronic bad and each surgery has multiplied and multiplied that load. I often talk of the ‘Broken Bone Theory’, 6-8 weeks and it’s all healed. I think I started to learn my new signs by 6-8weeks, but the management of it all that has taken me years to get on top of (and I still can’t say I’ve mastered it).
Now, in saying all of this I try to ‘weigh up the balance’ ie what are my options? Are there any options? I could have said ‘No’ to the surgeries, but the fact is… I’d be dead. I’m not exactly thrilled by the outcome, but I can still function (OK, semi function ) I can walk and talk (probably too much, seems I keep repeating myself, repeatedly) I try to keep myself motivated doing things around the house/yard (when I can). The way I ‘try’ to look at it all now is ‘Well, things could be worse…’ I could be wheelchair bound and I’m not. I could be mute and Im not. I could have lost my faculties and I haven’t. (Well, not fully )
All those years ago when the medicos told me there was nothing wrong and it was all a figment of my imagination, I fell into a great big, massive hole. At the time the whole world was imploding in on top of me. I pulled myself out of that hole and vowed never to return to the dark side. I know my signs when I’m headed in that direction and make a conscience decision to change direction.
When my neuro journey (And life) started to get REALLY complicated I took some time, went somewhere quiet and weighed it all up. I had 3 choices. My default setting was ‘RUN’ but running from self is a waste of time, as the song says "Everywhere you go, you always take the weather with you…'. ‘Divert’ make it all someone else’s problem, but it’s me that has the problem. OR ‘Deal with it’ that’s the most confronting thing and I hate confrontation. But the reality was, I had no choice. Sure, there was a bit of ‘Why me?’, but when I put all of the incidents together, I thought ‘Why didn’t it show up earlier?’ I knew something was amiss. I had to deal with it.
But I think you’re correct Richard, looking at opportunity vs looking at it as a disaster. Personally, I’ve never been a great 1/2 glass believer, but I do believe in grabbing opportunity. I must admit I often doubt my abilities or renege because I don’t want to take on a role if I can’t perform to a standard.
I don’t think there’s one thing or one reason we keep going. I think we all have our own motivations, our own thing that drives us along. I say this as a few days ago I had a B’day, one I NEVER thought I’d reach. In fact I told the wife years ago it’d be a damn miracle if I even made it to this age (The joke was she would have killed me by now. I surprised she hasn’t ), but here we are.
Merl from the Modsupport Team