Today I have my pre-op testing. No, I'm not the best driver and am only driving 40 minutes from the nearby city where I'm going. My daughter (17) was slated to come with me as a co-pilot. Last night, she started to explain how she's excited about a Forensic Lab that her class is doing... and asked me, if she had to come with me. :-(
While I understand that she doesn't really 'get it', it still really hurt. Obviously, we've all always been there for our kids. She knows this... Currently, I'm feeling like a commodity; someone to have provided for her, but not someone to whom she should give back.
She is a bright girl and does well in school and is almost OCD about school and her grades; however, wouldn't this be a time to accompany Mom to her pre-op instructions/testing?
She is very aware of the seriousness (coil surgery), but for some reason she doesn't seem to be taking/treating it very seriously.
Is she a brat or am I being overly sensitive. Please. I want your honest opinions!!!!
PS Other than you guys, my daughters are the only two who know about this so they're the only ones who could accompany me.
Hi Sunrise, it doesn’t sound like she is a brat. Do you have a close friend or family member who can go with you? Maybe she is having a hard time dealing with your diagnosis, sometimes people deal in different ways. She is only 17 and while she may seem very mature she still is very young. My son was 16 when I had my rupture and is a very mature kid but I had to remind myself that he wasn’t an adult yet. What area are you? Do you think there is a fellow aneurysm patient who you could buddy up with and who could help to be your shoulder to lean on? I would do that for somebody. Good luck with your pre-op testing. When is your surgery?
At this moment, I'm still feeling more 'brat'. She knows that it's a difficult drive and her co-piloting skills are important. Besides, we planned this visit a week ago. She should be responsible and follow through. (just my opinion). :-)
Nah, it's pre-op testing. I'm good to go... if I find it! lol Coil surgery is the 26th. I imagine she plans to come to that!
Yes, it's an age where there is no mortality in their mind so I imagine that she doesn't really 'see' the seriousness of it. However, she committed to being the co-pilot for a serious appointment and my expectation is that she should have followed through.
Hi Sunrise...I wasn't able to have children and I am blessed with a wonderful husband who goes to all appointments with me...my parents have 4 daughters who help them so much...because we want to help ... and guilt was how we were raised...
Perhaps you should ask your daughter if she is having a hard time dealing with you diagnosis...you know Kids are Kids...we can't expect them to step in to the role of spouse, partner, etc., there are times that they must live their life...I don't think she is a brat...I just feel that most people don't understand what we are going through with our brains...and they want it to just go away...
I guess I really didn't give you any answers, but I am wishing all works out...maybe a friend or another relative (sibling, etc.,) can accompany you...~ Thoughts out to you ... Colleen
Thanks for the insight. When you were raised with guilt :-), was that a good thing or bad thing? you said that you're all there for your parents... so it worked?!? lol
Well said about expecting kids to step in to the role of spouse... very well said. Being divorced for 12 years, there could be some hard-core truth to that. Truth that I needed to hear.. thanks. It's hard not to do that though.
Believe it or not, my ex husband has been pretty supportive, but he isn't in a position to come today. As far as friends, all of my friends are from work. As close as they are (and as confidential as I'd like to believe they are)... telling work friends about a brain aneurysm/brain surgery is not something that I'd want 'shared'!! :-)
I don't think she's having a hard time with my diagnosis. I just think they've always seen me healthy/there for them so, for them, it's me exaggerating something.
You know, to be honest though... my mother had a heart attack when I was 18 (one year older than my daughter)... I was there for her. She didn't need to ask me to be there either... I educated myself, advocated for her with nurses/doctors, and worried. It's strange...
It sounds like you need to have a friend that you can share this information with, so that someone can help with some the appointments. If I lived close enough I would be more than happy to help. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl and I am sure that this is all very overwhelming to her. She may not understand the seriousness of this or she may understand it and may not want to face it head on. My oldest son is still struggling with how serious all of it is with me. He has a real hard time talking about it. I had some friends from church that helped get me to some of my appointments because it was hard for my kids to go with me and they are adults. I also go to a lot of my appointments alone now. But the ones that I know will be tough some one usually goes with me. I hope that this one isn't too tough on you. The drive to appointments where you aren't quite sure where you are can be stressful. Sunrise, you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Hahahaha...You are so right...the "guilt" worked...the only thing is it has made me and my other sister's very nervous people...and type A people...perfectionist...nothing wrong with it...but very OCD...uh~oh your daughter OCD about school work...
Ok another approach...expectations...don't expect...tell her ... "your mom needs you..."...and I have a feeling she will be like "oh my God Yes mom"... My husband forever tells me this, don't expect Colleen everyone to be like you...ask...or tell...let us know how things work out...
You've got what sounds like a very bright 'lil girl on your hands, one who is sure to be a terrific adult with awesome interests going on and it sure sounds like you two have a very wonderful and close relationship --you are a lucky lady, indeed (which equals you to be a great Mom)! and I'm certain your daughter knows the seriousness of the situation you're in....however she is a kid still, and you being her mom, you're the backbone and yes, her 'provider' ....and right now I know you're feeling a tad on the needy side of the fence (as well you should--don't get me wrong) ! but I think that if you can get a freind to go with you to the pre-op instruction (and i'm sure it will be in writing as well), then maybe ...right now...that might be the direction to go..(?) I wish I lived closer as I'd be happy to accompany you ! is it the drive thats bothering you or is it the pre-op part of the journey--i'm getting the impression that its the 40 mile drive maybe thats got you abit out of sorts ? Wishing you well Sunrise, (PS and all 17year olds seem a little bratty anyways...I mean--don't they?!)
Hello Sunrise, i think you're feeling lonely in all this, so you're being too sensitive. Your daughters surely love you. If you really need them, express it, they probably don't know how scared you feel.
I have 2 adult sons in there 20's but i never asked them for help, never wanted to burden them. They offer help, if i need it. I suppose i'm too strong for my own good. I never want them to worry about me. They love me and care about me. You need to really communicate your feelings, don't be afraid to do that, you might be surprised.
I am a non-parent...have been around so many nieces/nephews...numerous friends kids...I can only imagine...there is a normal, healthy teenager busy w/school/her goals/fun times...and, hey can bury emotional connections/concerns...more so...because you have always been healthy, always look great...etc...and no changes are visible... so they cannot be real! My personal opinion...you are being overly sensitive...and because you have elected to not tell others...some who may also be sensitive when they learn they were not told... and may have been more than willing to be by your side...for closeness and as an advocate...I'd highly recommend a mature one in your pre-op meeting...even if your daughter had been, will be, with you...
Pat you're so right about the sensitivity of others who might be hurt by not being clued in -- you're absolutely on the money there. I know that everyone-from my closet friends and co-workers to the mailman even, knew about my plight in 2006 , and the outpouring was truly inspiring for both myself and my family. I had a prayer chain going like no other, how special is that !
Some parents might be offended by this comment but science is science no matter how we believe we or their children are exceptions to the rule. It is a medical fact that young adults do not have a fully developed brain until they reach the age of about 25. Consequently, many if not most young adults do not fully comprehend the ramifications of their decisions upon others. As I look back on my life prior to age 25, I buy in to this concept. So, Sunrise, I don't believe she's being brat, but maybe the expectations of her to respond in a certain way may be to optimistic. I hope all goes well with your surgery and God Bless!
Hi Nikki,
Thanks for your thoughts…
That’s exactly it, I was made to feel like a burden!!
When my parents needed help, it didn’t feel like a burden, I was happy to do it… It made me feel good to be able to help them!
Thanks.
Thanks Colleen!! You’re right… I should just say when I need her… She’d be there!
This morning she came down to talk. I need to do that, but I’m still feeling betrayed. Maybe I’m the brat!!