My surgery date is still not set in stone. Most likely the 18th or the 21st. I should know early next week and the waiting is killing me!!! There are times, like today when I take a shower and as I'm washing my hair I think about how will I be able to do this after, how long until I can, will I be able to dry my hair, how tired will I be after, will it even matter, how much pain and for how long, on and on and on. I now should be cooking dinner and I'm paralyzed it seems with fear. I go from crying to rage. I take 2 anxiety meds, try to stay positive and somewhat busy and check in here often. It's hell. My heart breaks for all of you who've been through this and are going through it still. Time to rest a bit and get my act together again now. Just thought I'd share this.
I'm sorry, J Knights. I wish I had a magic wand to help you be less anxious. Are you having surgery in MA? Monday is supposed to be the start of better weather - if you can, taking a walk outside always makes me feel better, especially with my dogs off leash.
Hi - I would make a call first thing on Monday and say this is driving you crazy and you need a date! The doctors must realize the emotional turmoil it puts people in to make them wait and yet here you are going crazy. I thought I read you had a date of the 7th already but obviously something came up. In the meantime, your post brought to mind the lyrics of a song I like that go, "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend" It only makes me think of that song because you seem out of control - not that you are going to do something. Your emotions are off the chart and I feel for you. Forget what you think you should be doing and right now do what you can to try to get to a calmer state. I know that isn't easy and I'm not saying I'm much better at it. I got myself into a state just to have an angiogram but it helps me just by talking about it. I talk to my husband till he gets annoyed, my dog who is forced to listen to me! and even myself out loud (alone of course!). Yell about it too if that helps dissipate the rage. Not too loud though. I've discovered it give me a headache when I've yelled. If possible, try not to speculate on the "what ifs" because you just can't prepare for an outcome that you don't know about. It's entirely possible that you will not have a lot of issues after the surgery. While you may end up doing some things differently it's also possible it will be better. I realize that most people will have issues and I have had my own but you will need to work through them whatever they are and you are stronger than you think. There is a lot of support here and for me it's been great. On the other hand, I have also found that while I am one of those people that wants to know everything it could also be overwhelming when I initially came on this site too much. As you've read undoubtedly many a time, each person is different and that is so, so true. But until that got ingrained in my head I envisioned myself with all sorts of issues because of what a lot of folks are dealing with. I had to take a small break and stop reading so much. Especially when I didn't even know if the person had the same problem as I do. I have had some similarities but certainly not all and I consider myself fortunate for what I do have going on and sad that others have had to deal with so much more. The main thing is you will learn what you need to do to carry on. As with everything, some days will be better than others of course, like today, but people will help you in your recovery and you have already discovered this site and know there are a lot of kind and caring people here. I hope you don't feel I'm scolding you because really I just want put my arms around you and give you a squeeze. Let us know how things are going and when that date is set. Sine Timore! (without fear)
Thank you for your kind encouraging words. Just reading them makes me cry because it hits
every nerve it seems in my body. I'm exhausted physically right now from yesterday's rage
and anxiety or whatever it was. I feel like getting out would be a good distractions but I also
feel like just letting my body rest. Don't know which one I'll do yet??? As you said, tomorrow the
weather will be better. You must be from around NH??? Yes, my surgery will be at Brigham and Women's in MA. I too had to take a break a few weeks ago, too much info too fast and like you said you don't even know if they're case is the same. What is happening with you if you don't mind me asking?
My husband is in a bit of a rut right now too so it's hard on him. One of us has to snap out of it so we can get things that need to be done, done. He tries to reassure me that he's almost there. Patience I guess is what I need to practice.
I don't know much about the BAF website here yet. I know when I post a discussion on my page, I look on my page and see the responses. Then when I pull one up, like yours, I have two options, Reply or Reply to discussion. If I reply to discussion, it goes with all the other responses and I'm really writing just to you so this time I selected just "Reply" and I hope that does it. Now I don't know how to know or where to see if you've responded. Maybe it'll me under messages?? Anyway, thanks for posting and I will be updating because it does really make me feel like I'm not alone in this.
Thanks,
JKnights
Wendy said:
Hi - I would make a call first thing on Monday and say this is driving you crazy and you need a date! The doctors must realize the emotional turmoil it puts people in to make them wait and yet here you are going crazy. I thought I read you had a date of the 7th already but obviously something came up. In the meantime, your post brought to mind the lyrics of a song I like that go, "I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend" It only makes me think of that song because you seem out of control - not that you are going to do something. Your emotions are off the chart and I feel for you. Forget what you think you should be doing and right now do what you can to try to get to a calmer state. I know that isn't easy and I'm not saying I'm much better at it. I got myself into a state just to have an angiogram but it helps me just by talking about it. I talk to my husband till he gets annoyed, my dog who is forced to listen to me! and even myself out loud (alone of course!). Yell about it too if that helps dissipate the rage. Not too loud though. I've discovered it give me a headache when I've yelled. If possible, try not to speculate on the "what ifs" because you just can't prepare for an outcome that you don't know about. It's entirely possible that you will not have a lot of issues after the surgery. While you may end up doing some things differently it's also possible it will be better. I realize that most people will have issues and I have had my own but you will need to work through them whatever they are and you are stronger than you think. There is a lot of support here and for me it's been great. On the other hand, I have also found that while I am one of those people that wants to know everything it could also be overwhelming when I initially came on this site too much. As you've read undoubtedly many a time, each person is different and that is so, so true. But until that got ingrained in my head I envisioned myself with all sorts of issues because of what a lot of folks are dealing with. I had to take a small break and stop reading so much. Especially when I didn't even know if the person had the same problem as I do. I have had some similarities but certainly not all and I consider myself fortunate for what I do have going on and sad that others have had to deal with so much more. The main thing is you will learn what you need to do to carry on. As with everything, some days will be better than others of course, like today, but people will help you in your recovery and you have already discovered this site and know there are a lot of kind and caring people here. I hope you don't feel I'm scolding you because really I just want put my arms around you and give you a squeeze. Let us know how things are going and when that date is set. Sine Timore! (without fear)
Thanks, I know there is no magic wand. It's just out of my control and like most things and most other people, we don't react to that very well. Yes, my surgery is in MA. Getting out will help I'm sure, don't know if it'll be today, like I told Wendy, I'm physically exhausted from all the emotions of yesterday. I never know if pushing myself is better, taking a mental approach or listening to my body. Thanks for your response,
JKnights
Sherri Long said:
I'm sorry, J Knights. I wish I had a magic wand to help you be less anxious. Are you having surgery in MA? Monday is supposed to be the start of better weather - if you can, taking a walk outside always makes me feel better, especially with my dogs off leash.
I was just thinking of you wondering how you are doing today. I've been feeling a little anxious lately myself and I'm not sure where that's coming from either. Comes and goes out of the blue and I'm not sure what makes it pop up but it's not a good feeling that's for sure. I had a ruptured aneurysm that was coiled this past February and was in the neuro ICU for around 3 weeks and then a rehab hospital for around another 3 weeks. I say around because I don't remember the neuro ICU and lost track of time at the rehab hospital. I have been home since the end of March. I just had more coils added a couple of weeks ago because the first ones compacted so more recovery but not like the first time! I am very fortunate that I didn't have a lot of issues. I didn't have to re-learn things like a lot of people but one thing that is taking time is my short term memory is not too good. I've since discovered long term isn't up to speed either but that's kind of here and there and eventually I seem to come up with what I'm thinking of. I had physical, speech and occupational therapy at the rehab hospital and continued that at home and even though it seemed kind of silly at the time to me I really needed it and it did really help. The other thing that's taking over is I ramble about almost anything. As you can see by my posts, I talk, talk, talk. Driving my husband crazy and a few other people too. I try to get it under control but here I'm doing it again!
I'm in CT but that's not so far away from NH! Crazy, windy, cold today but sunny and I bet it would feel good to go for a short walk if you can. It will help you regroup to get your thoughts together and get ready for the week ahead. I use Sunday's as my "me" day. Try some new beauty products, give myself a pedicure and things like that. Or if I'm feeling the anger, nothing feels better than cleaning my house. I'm not a crazy cleaner but you can't think about what's bothering you too much while you're vacuuming and being a little physical gets the energy out. I'm glad you are feeling less anxiety today. This is going to sound a little zen but out of bad things, good things come. Sometimes it's not so obvious but it will happen. And when the rage starts to come, say to yourself (or out loud if it helps), F*** the aneurysm!!! You will surprise yourself and be strong when you need to be. Keep in touch!
Thanks so much for writing! It really is amazing that I can come here and find that everything I'm feeling is normal for this not so normal subject. Who else could understand right? The difference between us is that you're experiencing all of these emotions after your procedure. I am so sorry that you've been through such a tough time. I can't imagine how horrible and frightening that must have been for you and your family. I don't think you should even begin to beat yourself up about your speed of your recovery. You're an inspiration!! Everything you suggest is helpful and I can relate. Cleaning is what I would normally do when I'm upset but this is so different that thinking about touching anything feels like I would rather break it or throw it than use it clean and be careful. Does that make sense? I hope it doesn't sound crazy because that's when I really feel most out of control and doing something constructive doesn't seen like something I can do. It seems to make more sense to go be alone in my room and try to calm down. If I feed into the anger/rage, it's not good. I'm hoping like you said earlier that I should at least get a definite date for the surgery. I was supposed to know by the end of friday but never got a call. I really thought Sarah, the nurse scheduling the appointment, would get back to me. She seems very dedicated and is doing everything she can but you can only be stretched so far I guess. One minute I feel so taken care of by them and then from the tone of her voice last time I spoke to her and now not calling when she said she would I don't. I know I'm sensitive by nature and can jump to conclusions but this is so important that I don't think I'm overreacting. I'm anxious to see if she calls Monday early and what she'll say. I want to call as soon as I wake up but I feel like I'll be bothering them. Not how I should feel, at least that's what the doctor and Sarah keep telling me, call us anytime if you have any questions they say. That's probably what's making this weekend so difficult. There's no way to reach them!
My husband is being great, he even went out to get me an iced coffee and cooked dinner tonight. I don't know how I'd be doing this without him. I'm thinking your husband is just happy to have you there not remembering things than what could have happened.
It is supposed to be warmer weather in a few days so going out will help I'm sure. I usually go to the gym and feel refreshed but haven't been since Tuesday. I can't believe how many days can go by lately and it doesn't seem possible so much time has gone by. It almost seems like it should be dragging but instead I'm probably so preoccupied that it isn't. Again, does that make sense?
Well, I'm going to finish watching the Patriots game and get through the rest of today.
Take care,
JKnights
Wendy said:
I was just thinking of you wondering how you are doing today. I've been feeling a little anxious lately myself and I'm not sure where that's coming from either. Comes and goes out of the blue and I'm not sure what makes it pop up but it's not a good feeling that's for sure. I had a ruptured aneurysm that was coiled this past February and was in the neuro ICU for around 3 weeks and then a rehab hospital for around another 3 weeks. I say around because I don't remember the neuro ICU and lost track of time at the rehab hospital. I have been home since the end of March. I just had more coils added a couple of weeks ago because the first ones compacted so more recovery but not like the first time! I am very fortunate that I didn't have a lot of issues. I didn't have to re-learn things like a lot of people but one thing that is taking time is my short term memory is not too good. I've since discovered long term isn't up to speed either but that's kind of here and there and eventually I seem to come up with what I'm thinking of. I had physical, speech and occupational therapy at the rehab hospital and continued that at home and even though it seemed kind of silly at the time to me I really needed it and it did really help. The other thing that's taking over is I ramble about almost anything. As you can see by my posts, I talk, talk, talk. Driving my husband crazy and a few other people too. I try to get it under control but here I'm doing it again!
I'm in CT but that's not so far away from NH! Crazy, windy, cold today but sunny and I bet it would feel good to go for a short walk if you can. It will help you regroup to get your thoughts together and get ready for the week ahead. I use Sunday's as my "me" day. Try some new beauty products, give myself a pedicure and things like that. Or if I'm feeling the anger, nothing feels better than cleaning my house. I'm not a crazy cleaner but you can't think about what's bothering you too much while you're vacuuming and being a little physical gets the energy out. I'm glad you are feeling less anxiety today. This is going to sound a little zen but out of bad things, good things come. Sometimes it's not so obvious but it will happen. And when the rage starts to come, say to yourself (or out loud if it helps), F*** the aneurysm!!! You will surprise yourself and be strong when you need to be. Keep in touch!
Oh, and Wendy, one more thing...I don't think you're rambling at all! As you can see, I write long posts too!
Wendy said:
I was just thinking of you wondering how you are doing today. I've been feeling a little anxious lately myself and I'm not sure where that's coming from either. Comes and goes out of the blue and I'm not sure what makes it pop up but it's not a good feeling that's for sure. I had a ruptured aneurysm that was coiled this past February and was in the neuro ICU for around 3 weeks and then a rehab hospital for around another 3 weeks. I say around because I don't remember the neuro ICU and lost track of time at the rehab hospital. I have been home since the end of March. I just had more coils added a couple of weeks ago because the first ones compacted so more recovery but not like the first time! I am very fortunate that I didn't have a lot of issues. I didn't have to re-learn things like a lot of people but one thing that is taking time is my short term memory is not too good. I've since discovered long term isn't up to speed either but that's kind of here and there and eventually I seem to come up with what I'm thinking of. I had physical, speech and occupational therapy at the rehab hospital and continued that at home and even though it seemed kind of silly at the time to me I really needed it and it did really help. The other thing that's taking over is I ramble about almost anything. As you can see by my posts, I talk, talk, talk. Driving my husband crazy and a few other people too. I try to get it under control but here I'm doing it again!
I'm in CT but that's not so far away from NH! Crazy, windy, cold today but sunny and I bet it would feel good to go for a short walk if you can. It will help you regroup to get your thoughts together and get ready for the week ahead. I use Sunday's as my "me" day. Try some new beauty products, give myself a pedicure and things like that. Or if I'm feeling the anger, nothing feels better than cleaning my house. I'm not a crazy cleaner but you can't think about what's bothering you too much while you're vacuuming and being a little physical gets the energy out. I'm glad you are feeling less anxiety today. This is going to sound a little zen but out of bad things, good things come. Sometimes it's not so obvious but it will happen. And when the rage starts to come, say to yourself (or out loud if it helps), F*** the aneurysm!!! You will surprise yourself and be strong when you need to be. Keep in touch!