Feeling really down, and feeling down about feeling down

Hi everyone -

I'm just feeling really down. Surgery was 10 weeks ago today. Just got back from Mexico which was a good but emotionally hard thing for me to do - scared I'd have complications while there. Complications meaning, of course, that I'd die.

I went to yoga today for the first time since all this happened, which again - like Mexico - should feel like a good thing, and I like I should be feeling proud and patting myself on the back, but I just feel depressed right now. It was hard and scary and emotional to go back to yoga, but of course a good step too. Again, I was scared I'd cause problems for my brain, scared I'd do damage.

I don't WANT going on a trip or going to yoga to be anything more than simply going on a trip or going to yoga...I'm probably not making sense. I just hate how things that should be normal now have so much extra and difficult emotion attached....will I die in Mexico...will yoga cause my coiled aneurysm to not heal properly, or my 2 unruptured aneurysms to rupture...etc etc. In both cases, Mexico and yoga, I decided I just HAVE to listen to and trust my doctors, and because I want to LIVE my life, I'm trying to trust them and make choices based on their knowledge and expertise....but that goes so against my anxieties and fears. Yet of course if I let anxiety and fear rule me, I'd be home in bed 24/7, which is not the life I want. I'm sad and scared and hate this. And I guess some childish magical part of me thinks that if I hate it this much there must be a way that it can go away and be made better, which of course it can't be. I haven't "landed" in a comfortable spot emotionally yet. I'm scared but pushing myself - balancing my fears and my trust...

I'm just tired, scared, and basically don't want this to have ever been in my life. I think that moving back into life is stirring the pot, and I'm feeling lonely and depressed. (Inside my head I'm chastising myself for being such a complainer....)

I feel like I should just be grateful - Mexico and yoga after 9-10 weeks (unruptured, coil and stent, 2 not able to be coiled...) - like I'm so fortunate that I have no right to complain, and to a certain extent I don't. But I feel like the freedom I had in life is gone, that things aren't simple anymore, that I'll never be out from under this in some way.

And I guess I worry too that as I am moving on, doing "normal" things, people just look at me and say GREAT look how GREAT she's doing....yoga, mexico, great great great --- when I feel in some ways more emotionally fragile and scared as it continues to sink in, and as I continue to move towards the 6 month follow up angio.....and mexico and yoga were really really hard steps to take.

I don't know - it's late, i'm tired, and I'm feeling guilty for complaining. I'm usually in the cheerleader role, not the needy role.

Thanks for being here.

Jennifer

Hey Jennifer. I think you are normal and that you will be fine. I agree you need to trust the doctors expertise. My big love is cycling. My wife would say obsession! I went for my followup a month after clipping for an unruptured aneurysm and asked the doctor if I had any limitations. I deliberately did not mention riding specifically. He said no and I was on the bike the next day. I have been very interested in Buddhism for a while now. I think it’s very important to be in the moment. Yesterday is gone and I may not see tomorrow but I am here now.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had fears of doing anything that involved movement! LOL Iwas even scared to make love to my husband. My docs told me that there are only 3 things I can’t do.

  1. Smoke Cigs
  2. Bungy Jumping
  3. Cocaine

Amazingly, I gave up all 3. LOL Well, #1 was all I did before so it was just a little difficult. But going places such as concerts, crowded places, places far from home, etc. I would become so paranoid that I was going to die! But amazingly I had these feelings even before my annies. I was diagnosed with panic disorder. So we just have to try to quit thinking of the worst and enjoy the moment. At least we can get out and do things and we are alive today.

Thanks for the encouragement. I will keep pushing through my fears with the goal of not letting this limit me -

I've been doing a lot of mindfulness and yoga for the past few years, and Thomas, very much agree with you about being in and appreciating the moment. Honestly, mindfulness was my best "tool" for getting through lots of the most frightening parts of this. Mindfulness.....and valium! But seriously - I so highly recommend mindfulness. UCLA has free meditaiton downloads at their MARC website (Mindfulness Awareness Research Center).

Have had a bad headache all day (not scary bad, just painful, annoying bad) and so YUCK. Hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. I'm planning to get myself back to yoga again next week! The emotions are crazy....positive, upbeat, self-assured, trading places with scared, depressed, anxious. But under it all, or above it all, I'm grateful to be around and also so grateful to this website and everyone here.

Happy Sunday -

Jennifer

Jennifer, you have every right to feel the way you do and don’t you feel guilty for that. You are going through a very difficult situation and feeling the way you do is probably going to help you sort through things, help you understand and get better. You are NOT complaining you’re scared that’s normal and who wouldn’t be. That’s what this board and all of us is for to help each other get through the difficult times. You’re thought of and loved!

Hi Jennifer...my coiling was done November 30th with complications...I too, have been feeling so anxious and down the past several days...not sure why??? I don't want to...but I just have these moments....I think it isn't that we aren't grateful...but normal to feel this way after going through so much...I too have another annie that is to be watched...trying to forget this one...but it is hard...

I admire you ... for going to Mexico and doing yoga...my outings include hubby and I going to Grocery store, Walmart, Bed Bath and Beyond and lunch at Panera's...oh lots of outside walks...but that is about it...

I hope all these feelings get better...I am a bit resentful towards those who tell me how I should feel right now...

Gotcha in my Thoughts...Colleen

I jennifer I remember reading on new year eve you were leaving for Cabo I was so happy for you. And still am. I had leaked annie and it was coiled about 7 weeks ago. I know that feeling about being scared and I don’t have one they are watching. I am scared because of all the headaches and why they don’t stop. I am back to work and so tired but making the weekends staying in bed extra hours. I think that the doctors will never understand being scared. Aneursysm change our lives in every way. I don’t know if I will ever be the same not sure any of us will. So it all OK to be scared and I think it wonderful that you share with us. I am so grateful I found this site to read and maybe help others. Light and prayers coming your way. kim

Thanks for all of the support. The level of fear and feeling down comes and goes. I think I'm just trying to "land" after all of this trauma/drama. Physically feeling way better (tho still have too many headaches), holidays are over, Mexico is over, kids are back in school, and I'm....I don't know - I think I'm trying to figure out how I'm landing from this whole thing now that lots of external distractions are past. It's a new phase, I guess. I seem to cycle within days - evenings are hardest, and bedtime is the worst - my sleep (which has never been great) is awful. I was determined not to feel depressed, but determination clearly doesn't trump all else! But, I'm doing things, so that's good. I need to just be where I'm at, and not jump into the future (future fears, that is).

Hope all of you are well. I really appreaciate your thoughts and words.

Jennifer

Hi Colleen -

I do go out by myself, but often get scared - the "what if something happens right now" thoughts are really anxiety provoking. I'd rather be with somebody all the time, but that's not realistic. I live very near 2 top hospitals (within 15 minutes of both) so that helps me feel a little more secure when I'm out. The place I take yoga is blocks from one of those hospitals, and both hospitals have medical records on me (not something I'm necessarily proud of!). The first times being alone or going out alone were really hard. Sometimes still is, and I have this feeling of -life goes on, of course - but then again - how can life go on in the same ways when I feel so different????

Thanks for replying. How are you doing? I felt like myself again on a more consistent basis starting at 7 weeks post surgery.