My boyfriend was diagnosed with a brain aneurysm 4 weeks ago. He did not tell me immediately. He became distant and withdrawn and withdrew dorm our relationship. He called on July 4th and told me. He will it tell anyone in his family or friends. He is having headaches and body aches. In one message he will be normal and then the next he is giving up on life. His actions are almost suicidal from the information I have gathered about aneurysm. Is this normal reactions to the diagnoses and how can I comfort him and support when he is pushing me away.
I want to be there for him but just not sure how. Please help.
Hi and Again Welcome...People have all kind of emotionns when finding out they have brain aneurysm's...but I am not sure suicidal is one of them...if you feel he is suicidal find him help..."crisis intervention"...There is Life after Brain Aneurysm...Is he seeing a surgeon? What about support of his family? ~ Gotcha in my Thoughts ~ Colleen
I think your boyfriend doesn’t have all the facts. He is facing a very scary diagnosis but he shouldn’t hide this from his family. And I agree with Colleen he may need some help with crisis intervention. I can understand a few days of letting the diagnosis sink in but 4 weeks is a long time to hold it all in. The facts are since he is still here and has been diagnosed with an aneurysm prior to a rupture his prognosis is good that he will be able to live with it and I would imagine that it will be treatable. A very high percentage of them are treatable. Has he met with a surgeon yet? The both of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
hi v! so sorry you're having to deal with this-would he be willing to go to counseling? I would contact the social services department at the hospital they will have social workers there trained in helping. My hospital in Philadelphia has a support group also. Would he be willing to join us here for starters? This would be a great place to guide you thru these tough times. I would guess he is pushing you away because he loves you and wants to protect you-this is so scary to be diagnosed- so education and support is very important. If you could get him to join here I know we could help- I am not a BAF employee, just a 4yr survivor of a SAH so I only know what I've learned reading and chatting with others. I can't begin to imagine what goes thru a persons mind once they are diagnosed- I was an emergency type and beat the odds. How you give support is to just keep trying-being on here tells me you are a very caring person and I applaud you for doing so. Keep trying- if he doesn't accept your help theres not too much you can do other than the intervention idea of Colleens-which is also a great avenue to explore--is there another family member that he looks up to that could help you with the intervention? Communication with others is key. You will probably need help-either from family or a professional. Let us know if its going good or bad, thoughts and prayers to you both and your families~ there is life after aneurysm diagnosis- we are 3,000 strong just on this site!
Hi V. My name is Gwen and I too am recently diagnosed (6/24/13). When I was first diagnosed I was too frightened to discuss my feelings with anyone. I did not understand how serious my situation was. So I blew it off until I started to do some research. Then I was too scared to discuss this with anyone. I was protecting my friends and family and I was not too sure that they could handle my feelings of despair and hopelessness. I had to wait and test the waters by telling first one of my best friends. My feelings scared this friend so much that they did not call or contact me for almost one week. I felt that no one would or could understand. Be there for your boyfriend in whatever capacity he is willing to let you be right now. Encourage him to talk to you. Let him know that you can handle it whatever his feelings may be and sometimes our feelings can be difficult to others to handle. Mention this site to him. I know it has helped me immensely. Also find a therapist or a support group if you are able in your area. I know that Ron mentioned one close to you. Sometimes no one can understand unless you have walked in their shoes. Continue to be there for him. He is truly blessed to have you
Gwen, Thank you so much for your comments. Sharing your story has been a help. May I ask if you had mood swings or feeling of just not caring before you were diagnosed? He has had signs of depression for about 3 months before the actual diagnosis. His personality is completely different than he was a year ago. I pushed him to get checked out and through test they found the aneurysm by accident. We have a long distance relationship (3hours) and I am recovering from major surgery so I have not been able to be there in person. He will not give me specific information. I am in the medical field and have found the best doctors in his area but he will not answer my calls. I believe he is trying to protect me but why tell me if you do not want help. He asked I not tell his parents. I fell like I need to because of his destructive behavior of not sleeping or eating, taking caffeine pills to function, and just running full throttle. Do I violate his trust and contact them to protect him? Thank you again and my prayers are with you.
Ron, thank you so much for your response. He is such a stubborn individual that I am not sure I can get him to join. He will not even talk to me about the diagnosis. He send me text saying how much he appreciates what I have meant to inimitable but he will do this alone. I don’t believe he can. I will continue to support him but I cannot make him pick up the phone or see me. Your response means the world to me. I am a very scared woman who loves him. Please stay in touch…thank you again.
My God , what a predicament for you to be in, not able to be physically 'there' with your boyfriend and with so little information from him regarding his aneurysm really makes this difficult, I'm sure. One thing that I find positive is that your boyfriend must care about himself as he did actually go to the doctor and they did find something amiss (not good they found an annie of course) but it shows that he too must be concerned about his health..so i'm hoping that since he took the first major step in getting a diagnosas, that he might be gathering all his thoughts on this and will then have weighed the treatment options available to him...and have treatment. Has he always been a healthy person? If so, denial is one of the 1st responses I could see happening with him..Do you know any of his friends and or family members well enough to pick up the phone and chat with any of them and find out if they've noticed any changes in his atttiude of late? The old saying of 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink' seems to apply heavily here....Peace to you as you muddle thru this, I hope your friend comes around and gets treatment. Take care, Janet
Thank you all for the support and your responses. I have tried to stay in contact with him everyday even though he does not want it. I located the best neurosurgeons in his town. I offered to help and go with him to a doctors appointments but he has refused. He has chosen to remove me from his life. I am completely lost as what else I can do if he doesn’t want my help. At this time, I just need to back away. Thank you all. My prayers for all of you.
Hi Vicki. To answer your question I was very emotional right before my diagnosis. Uncharacteristicly so. I would cry uncontrollably and then I would be angry with my husband for something that happened almost thirty years ago. The day b efore my diagnosis I remember I went on a rant with my best friend and she mentioned that I did not sound like myself. Something was off. I cannot say that it was the aneurysm that caused this but I am bipolar but it has been under control for many years. Five days before diagnosis I was adjusted by a chiropractor who messed up his adjustment. All I remember was the intense heat in my upper back and neck area. Nothing has been the same since. I really don't know if you should tell his parents about what was told to you. Did he ask you not to say anything? If not I might weigh the pros and cons of telling. You might lose his trust but also what is his relationship with his parents? How will they react to this news. Stress is very bad for folks with aneuysms. Also I am afraid of the caffeine that he is taking. It raises the blood pressure and that also is a danger to people with aneurysms. I would try to talk to him about this website. Try and get him to use it. I am on almost everyday. The help I have received has been invaluable to me. See if you can get through to him which can be difficult because you can't see him. It is easier to tune someone out when you are talking to them on the phone as opposed to speaking to them on the eye-to-eye. Please let us know what is going on with your boyfriend and if you need more suggestions. Last thing if you really feel that he is suicidal due to his behavior tell his parents since you cannot see him right now due to your own health. Take Care and Get Well. God Bless