When it's over

Hello all,

It's been many months since I've posted here. Since my diagnosis of 2 ba's in late 2010 I've had two crainiotomies, the last in late January this year. Since then my emotional state has been absolutely crazy. Mostly I'm terribly depressed, sad, anxious etc. I quit my job after returning from my second FMLA because my employer didn't save my job and my new one put me in a physically and emotionally dangerous place. I'm trying to make the changes I know I need to but every day feel more and more that I should have died on the table this last time. NOBODY PANIC! I'm not suicidal, I just don't see much reason to live if this is the way it's going to be. I drove away the few friends I had because all I could talk about was being ill, afraid, alone etc. I have one family member and that's about it. I try to connect with others but feel like an alien who left her home and can't get back to her own world. I seem to drive everyone away still, largely I think because I'm still suspended in time. Someone suggested to me that it sounded like I have post traumatic stress disorder from the last two years -- always waiting for the next horrible thing to happen. I'm a therapist myself but don't know if that's possible. Since the last surgery I've been diagnosed with a few other medical problems, some not so serious, other sort of serious. I had my first mammogram and it came back all funky. It turns out I'm fine but I fully expected to be told I have breast cancer. That's how I look at life now - waiting for the next disaster because truly, in the last 15-20 years my life truly has been one disaster after the next, leaving me just enough time to breathe before the next hurricane hits. All I want to know is has anyone else experienced such intense negative emotions so long after a crainiotomy? It's been 5 months since the last and 1 1/2 years since the first. If anyone can relate please help me out. Thank you. --Jennifer K.

Hi Jennifer shortly after my coiling November of 2010...at which I had so many complications and problems and almost died...like you...I had so many emotions...I was even angry when I first was able to go home from Hospital...when I had my first f/u with Neurologist ... I found I had "PTSD"...very common amongst us Brain Aneurysm Survivors...btwn some meds at the time...lots of exercise and a very supportive husband I was able to work through alot of it...but Doctor had told me if I didn't have a support system...he would recommend Talk Therapy...

Please talk to your Doctor and tell him/her everything you told us...and that you just want help to "move on..."... and if not to "move on"...putting your fears in a place that they don't rule your life and you can starting living each day...You have my prayers...~ Colleen

Jennifer you need lots of ((((hugs))))

I am so very sorry to hear that your feeling this way :-(

I wish that there was something I could do..I have fought to not have the feelings that you have now..My first surgery was in 2010 and continued for sometime..I have had 5 in total plus a massive amount of complications..It's the complications that almost killed me... I tell myself several times a day that no matter what disaster is around the corner I have to face it and beat it...My disasters have been many and non stop for the last few years...There has to be a cloud with a silver lining around one of those corners or we wouldn't be here today..Right?

Please find something that is going to make you feel good about YOU!!..I have started so many projects the last two years that are not finished and that's because I am looking for that one that is going to make me feel special to myself..I will find it and I pray that you do too...

Take care of yourself Jennifer... (((((hugs))))))

Kimberley

Hi Jennifer,

To me, what you are going through is normal. To some extent, I didn't go through depression but like you, I was very anxious. I've had 3 major surgeries and truth be told, passing by a hospital used to give me some panic attack. When I have to go to the hospital, I always expect the worst. I had ruptured brain aneurysm in 2008 and that being my third surgery, I felt like good news have passed me by. I felt every time I go to a doctor, it was gonna be bad news. Having headache could simply disintegrated me, if I had allowed myself. What is interesting is, with all these thoughts going through my mind, I was so happy to be alive. I felt I can do it all. I started noticing things that usually, I wouldn't notice, etc. Thank God, my friends and family who some how, found some interesting way to push me away from that thoughts.

What you are going through is normal, especially having major surgeries not so far apart. I am sure there are many times you wish you don't have such thoughts but at times, you can't do it on your own. You need somebody to listen and help guide you away from such thoughts. Don't think you've pushed away your friends. You are going through something, unfortunately, they can't help. You need a strong emotional supporter, maybe a therapist.

Lots and lots of hugs for you, Jennifer