has anyone dealt with an angry spouse? It will have been 4 years in November since my sah. He was very supportive in the past but now he is just tired of me and my pain and symptoms. He has gone so far as to tell me I have ruined his life. I have thought about leaving but I know I can't. I forget things all the time and could actually burn the house down. We also have 5 kids and I do not want to leave them. If I left I would not be able to take them with me as I could not afford them or be able to handle the stress of kids by myself. So I feel trapped. Its not enough that I am in constant pain but now with him being so angry about me it is really getting difficult! Has anyone else gone through this?
I haven’t gone through this yet, but it is a topic of many posts on Neurotalk. For almost 2 years my husband has had to do everything, because I have been disabled by Reflex Sympathetic Dystophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Fortunately, our children are grown, so our situation is less complicated, however, I am not so blind that I cannot see my husband is tired of it, but so am I. I did not ask to be disabled and then need brain surgery. Life can be miserably unfair.
Do you belong to a religious group? I ask, because, you need family counseling to get through this, along with other help they might provide. Sometimes talking things out with some additional home support can turn things around. I took care of my parents for years before they died and it was burdensome, until I experienced the benefits of support when my mother received in home palliative care during her last months.
Don’t hesitate to call any religious group to see what they offer, because most are nonsectarian when it comes to helping others. Also, call your local high school, because students need to complete community service requirements-some will help with household chores, shop, even do yard work. My younger daughter purchased and brought groceries to a disabled lady for a year.
Please tell us about your pain. Maybe someone here will have an idea to help you.
I have stabbing in my head. That is off and on. Gabapetin has taken a lot of that away although it still does occur. I also have neck and back pain. My neck/shoulder never hurt before my sah. The muscles on the top of my shoulders are constantly tight. If I lift both of my arms over my head it feels like I am squeezing my head off off. That is how tight they are. Apparently at the age of 40 I have arthritis in my back. It constantly hurts. It was just the middle of my back but now my lower back is hurting and I still have to go in to have that xrayed. He has totally alienating my side of the family. It is to the point where I do not want to see them just because of the backlash (a week of him screaming and yelling about how they have not helped since my annie exploded.) I am not very fond of his family. In his mothers eyes her son can do no wrong and I am brown so I am not worth anything. Counseling- he does not believe in it! When I took a pysch class for school omg I would tell him what the subject of the week was and what I learned and he would go off about how psychiatrist are full off it. My oldest does a lot to help out he is 23. He gets yelled at for a lot of my mistakes that I now create. My next oldest is just turned 16 and he also does a lot to help out. I am very thankful for both of them. Then I have a 3 under the age of 13. I am not sure what heading I was approved for disability but I have severe memory loss, severe depression, severe migraines, and more. Disability deemed me unfit to take care of myself so all my disability checks come in my hubbies name. My husband and I have been together for over 26 years and frankly I am not sure if I want to live the rest of my life ( who knows how long that will be) with someone so angry and has the nerve to tell me I ruined their life.
Hubby and I went through something similar about a year ago. I even went back to read some of my old blog posts to remind myself that yep that's an ugly uncomfortable stage. I reacted in anger the first time he said 'it's always your head'. I'd never fought with him before and this time I shouted and could have literally chewed his head off if it would have fit in my mouth (smirk). I think it shocked us both. I know you mention that he's not in for the therapy but that's what helped. My hubby didn't go with me but I learned to deal with things better. I had neck/shoulder tightness that would make my head feel like it was in a vice (but I didn't have arthritis). Physical therapy and subsequent muscle relaxing exercises helped that. The psych therapy helped alot because hell this is a major blow and one we need to learn to work with. You can't control how your hubby feels. And you can't make him go to anyone to talk it through. But unfortunately it's probably the thing that would help most. Are you able to sit one on one and just be alone together? Sorry I'm rambling now!
Two things that helped me, aqua therapy in warm salt water and a jade disc infared heating mat. I just re-started the Aqua therapy, with immediate results. The jade mat (pricey) saved me from repeated cortisone shots in my hip. In addition I also take low dose naltrexone which IMO is a miracle protocol-it gets the body to heal itself-I was bedridden, in agonizing pain and now I can walk unassisted.
I am sorry to hear about your husband’s family, it is painful to read. My mother was ostracised by my father’s Irish family, because she was an Italian divorcee with 2 kids, so I have insight into how you are treated and how you feel. I wish I had a magic formula that would help with this, but there is none, you cannot change this, you can only change your reaction to it.
Since you are disabled you must be eligible for home assistance. Take whatever you can get. Ask your younger kids to help out, too. That old adage “Many Hands Make Light Work” is true. I bought a doctor’s stool so I could drag myself around the kitchen when I was on crutches. This way I could do some easy and quick kitchen activities. Even with the stool it was very hard-pain is debilitating.
The reason I mentioned a religious org is because it may be less threatening to sit down with a priest or a minister, rather than a therapist. Your husband needs to be supported and at the same time reminded that you did not ask for this nor did you do anything to make this happen to you.
I am not sure if we are able to sit one on one together. He just called me a bitch and I have no idea why. I just woke up from a nap. He is having a lot of problems at work ( a new job). I seem to be the one he takes it out on. At this point I just feel so trap and no where to go..... Thank you for your response.
VJ
harlylena said:
Hubby and I went through something similar about a year ago. I even went back to read some of my old blog posts to remind myself that yep that's an ugly uncomfortable stage. I reacted in anger the first time he said 'it's always your head'. I'd never fought with him before and this time I shouted and could have literally chewed his head off if it would have fit in my mouth (smirk). I think it shocked us both. I know you mention that he's not in for the therapy but that's what helped. My hubby didn't go with me but I learned to deal with things better. I had neck/shoulder tightness that would make my head feel like it was in a vice (but I didn't have arthritis). Physical therapy and subsequent muscle relaxing exercises helped that. The psych therapy helped alot because hell this is a major blow and one we need to learn to work with. You can't control how your hubby feels. And you can't make him go to anyone to talk it through. But unfortunately it's probably the thing that would help most. Are you able to sit one on one and just be alone together? Sorry I'm rambling now!
I am trying to lose weight so I have been doing exercises in the pool. I have gained so much sense I lack energy to do anything. I have also been trying to only eat salad for breakfast and lunch then a small dinner. For my back I have an appt. to get an x ray of my lower back and I am waiting on the phys therapy to call me for it. I went to phys therapy for my neck and it did nothing. Botox however relaxed my neck and shoulders for about I think 2 months. Now I am just waiting on my next set of shots. I am not sure if I will get them on my Thursday appt. Its is almost 1 month past the time I was suppose to get my 2nd set. My dr is having issues about getting in my botox. long story. As for psycho therapy YES I probably need that but I am afraid they may lock me away in the loony bin. I have severe depression and at times I do think of ending my sad life. I do not want to be committed as that just gives him the ability to say I am unfit and take my kids. I am just a big HOT MESS atm.
Thank you for your reply.
VJ Campanile said:
VJ,
Two things that helped me, aqua therapy in warm salt water and a jade disc infared heating mat. I just re-started the Aqua therapy, with immediate results. The jade mat (pricey) saved me from repeated cortisone shots in my hip. In addition I also take low dose naltrexone which IMO is a miracle protocol-it gets the body to heal itself-I was bedridden, in agonizing pain and now I can walk unassisted.
I am sorry to hear about your husband's family, it is painful to read. My mother was ostracised by my father's Irish family, because she was an Italian divorcee with 2 kids, so I have insight into how you are treated and how you feel. I wish I had a magic formula that would help with this, but there is none, you cannot change this, you can only change your reaction to it.
Since you are disabled you must be eligible for home assistance. Take whatever you can get. Ask your younger kids to help out, too. That old adage "Many Hands Make Light Work" is true. I bought a doctor's stool so I could drag myself around the kitchen when I was on crutches. This way I could do some easy and quick kitchen activities. Even with the stool it was very hard-pain is debilitating.
The reason I mentioned a religious org is because it may be less threatening to sit down with a priest or a minister, rather than a therapist. Your husband needs to be supported and at the same time reminded that you did not ask for this nor did you do anything to make this happen to you.