Hi all, I sort of need a shoulder right now and you're the only ones I think can give me words of wisdom. I think I'm headed towards a divorce. My hubby and I never used to fight before the aneurysm and now it seems we fight atleast 3-4x a week depending on how long we're near each other. I know he's tired of this new me...hell, so am I. But there's nothing I can do about it. Well, that's a lie. I'm sure there is something I can do about the indecision, being overwhelmed, not wanting to drink, or be a part of life as before, or being unable to do as much physical stuff but I'm a bit lost of what to do. I feel immense guilt for being financially dependent on him and he'll say that doesn't bother him at all. But if he's angry and we start shouting, he'll yell that he works 10-14 hour days to support us and I can't do anything. Which only makes me feel worse but instead I shout back mean things while my insides think 'what the hell is going on'. Bleh, I don't know what I'm asking you guys really. Just had to come somewhere where someone might understand more than I do.
You can stop this train wreck if you want to. Do you have enough control to stop shouting mean things back? Do you love this man who is working 10-12 hours a day?
I haven’t yet had my aneurysm coiled so I cannot speak to post surgery, but I am in a similar situation. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome aka Reflex Dystrophy. Since I cannot do much because I need crutches to walk and I am in constant pain, my husband is doing everything. I hate it, but for many years our situation was reversed. In the early 90’s my h had severe neck pain. He slept in our basement on a recliner. I took care of the house, the trash, the yard, the children, etc. I was overworked and exhausted, but we managed to get through it without unkind words.
Marriage is not 50/50, it is often one party giving 100% while the other gives what is possible. This morning I woke up with a bad headache, because my husband left the microwave plugged in( I am electrically sensitive and our old microwave has high emf readings) when I told him he got out of bed to get me an ice pack and offered to get me a headache pill. This could easily have been a blame blow out, me blaming him for leaving the microwave plugged in and him blaming me for disturbing his sleep, but it wasn’t because we recognize what each of us is going through. And my husband knows what I did
for years without complaint. I also thank him every day for what he does.
I think you feel horrible as the non-doer, but it doesn’t fix anything to do an angry dump on your husband, the person who is pulling the weight. What you both need is lots of kindness. (Is there any way your families could help out for a while to take the burden off both of you?)
Based on what you wrote I think you know this already, but it may be that you have lost your ability to control yourself. I understand, because when the CRPS pain is so bad I get incredibly enraged, mostly at the medical profession for not helping me with pain control.
I know other forum members will come to help and hope they have suggestions and answers for you.
Campanile, thank you for taking the time to share your words. They are truly helpful and reminded me of something. Early in healing the therapist noticed I would be triggered by someone's facial expressions or body language. I was looking for the 'unspoken true feelings' which of course is only asking for trouble. So she made me have a conversation with my eyes closed. It helped...more so because I thought it was hilarious to be talking with my eyes closed.
You helped me recognize that we don't fight as much as I'm believing. Most of the time it's a dance of give and take. I think when either of us has taken on too much the balance is skewed and we explode. Before surgery if he ranted and raved I could brush it off, smirk, saying something funny or just walk away. I can't seem to do that much after surgery. The cut off switch between my brain and mouth must be rusted over.
Thanks again though. I'll keep working at it. Mostly at trying to keep myself from believing that he would be better off without me. :)
Campanile said:
You can stop this train wreck if you want to. Do you have enough control to stop shouting mean things back? Do you love this man who is working 10-12 hours a day?
I haven't yet had my aneurysm coiled so I cannot speak to post surgery, but I am in a similar situation. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome aka Reflex Dystrophy. Since I cannot do much because I need crutches to walk and I am in constant pain, my husband is doing everything. I hate it, but for many years our situation was reversed. In the early 90's my h had severe neck pain. He slept in our basement on a recliner. I took care of the house, the trash, the yard, the children, etc. I was overworked and exhausted, but we managed to get through it without unkind words.
Marriage is not 50/50, it is often one party giving 100% while the other gives what is possible. This morning I woke up with a bad headache, because my husband left the microwave plugged in( I am electrically sensitive and our old microwave has high emf readings) when I told him he got out of bed to get me an ice pack and offered to get me a headache pill. This could easily have been a blame blow out, me blaming him for leaving the microwave plugged in and him blaming me for disturbing his sleep, but it wasn't because we recognize what each of us is going through. And my husband knows what I did
for years without complaint. I also thank him every day for what he does.
I think you feel horrible as the non-doer, but it doesn't fix anything to do an angry dump on your husband, the person who is pulling the weight. What you both need is lots of kindness. (Is there any way your families could help out for a while to take the burden off both of you?)
Based on what you wrote I think you know this already, but it may be that you have lost your ability to control yourself. I understand, because when the CRPS pain is so bad I get incredibly enraged, mostly at the medical profession for not helping me with pain control.
I know other forum members will come to help and hope they have suggestions and answers for you.
Can you both go to couples' counseling, harleylena? A neutral third party can help you both communicate without anger. You have both been through a traumatic experience, you are both under strain, and at times this is expressing itself as anger against each other, when it is really just anger at the situation, which is perfectly natural. I do not think this means the end of your marriage, but I do think you need a counselor to help get you back on track so that you avoid hurting each other. I hope you can get this counseling and will emerge stronger.
And please. stop the thinking "he would be better off without me." That is not true and is not helpful, hon. You need each other.
Thank you DancerMom and Edwardo. Your words helped greatly. Edwardo, you're right...it seems as if there's an overload switch that once tripped is difficult to reset. I start stuttering or twisting sentences around. I think what we've started to bump up against is a combination of things we've discussed elsewhere on this site. I look 'back to normal' to my family. So they'll come to me with normal stuff like work complaints or school planning which is fine. I can handle those well. But when there are too many questions thrown at me too fast my brain starts to get a bit clogged. I start getting angry at myself for not being able to keep up which only adds to the clog. Meanwhile my hubby keeps asking questions. I start getting angrier. But most times I can catch myself and walk away. My sisters have reminded him to look for the telltale signs and ease up. There's another part of this that takes some getting used to on my part. The acceptance that I cannot do what I used to do. Although I can do many things, it's not what I used to do and in most cases not what I want to do. There's an internal struggle that happens. But little by little I'm learning acceptance. Not without a mental tantrum though. LOL Thanks again for taking the time to offer guidance.
Harly...you write so well...have you thought of putting your blogs / discussions as your base for a book?
Do you live in a major metro area? I recommend seeing a stroke recovery specialist. They may refer you to a therapist or a med recommendation. Your reactions are physical, more than emotional. I don’t recommend going through a neurosurgeon; a neurologist who specializes in recovery is your best bet. In the meantime, close your eyes when you talk to the hubs for now, and pretend you’re an actress with a soft, kind voice, LOL,
Patio and Edwardo thanks for such kind words (psst - you rock!). Sarge, thanks for the suggestions. Truly appreciated.