Second Life

General
1

I am 33 years old and had a ruptured aneurysm, SAH 6 months ago. Everything happened fast. One minute I was trying out a makeup tutorial, and before I knew it I was outside the operating room waiting for my surgery. It felt fast although it was a 15-hour agony. Before the rupture, I did not know much about brain aneurysms, have heard of it yes but did not know how serious it was. Everybody who talked to me before (and even after) the surgery were telling me how lucky I was that I even made it to the hospital, and that I got the aneurysm quite early (pertaining to my age).

While waiting outside the operating room, I thought about death. I asked myself, "if I had died then, would I have been satisfied/content with the life I have lived" and the answer to that question was no. I was not happy with the life that I had before the aneurysm. Now I am trying to make changes because I wanted my second life to be one that I can say I'd be satisfied with should something happen.

I was wondering if anyone else here had those kinds of thoughts and if they are valid thoughts because they have brought back a lot of feelings that I thought I had dealt with already (regarding things that had happened in the past) and because of that realization/question, I have realized that I have not actually dealt with some emotions, rather just set them aside. That, is somehow making me feel angry or sad.

Let me know your thoughts. Thanks.

2

Penelope, I think you are doing some important work re-evaluating and prioritizing for your second life. Such work is difficult and can bring up difficult emotions, but will ultimately be rewarding. Wishing you a beautiful second life!

3

I had my SAH on the 22nd December 2013 and woke up in hospital.... don't really remember anything of it but had an overwhelming desire / sensation to do something a little more meaningful with my life..... not sure what, still trying to figure it all out.

Definitely want to travel more, see a lot more of the world, want to scuba dive more, I'm a technical diver and instructor and have just been given the all clear to go diving again...!!! ;-)

Thinking about writing a book, possibly about diving, but don't really know.

I certainly have an overwhelming feeling that life isn't fulfilled yet and that's perhaps why I'm still here... Someone was certainly looking down on me that day and I really can't fathom why I was given a 2nd chance.... but now I don't want to waste it.... going to grab life and do all I can. ;-)

4

I don’t know if we are going through the same sort of feelings regarding our past lives and wanting to make right with them but I do know that going to counseling has helped me a lot in terms of coming to peace with things so that I can try and enjoy my second life. If you are not into to counseling, try writing out your feelings in a journal. I actually do both and it has helped me a lot. I hope you have a peaceful and happy journey this second time around!!

5

Hi Penelope my name is Arturo and I understand these feelings completely. I was only 22 when this unfortunate event happened and I actually went about a day and a half without my ruptured aneurysm being tested and about half a day without it being diagnosed. I don’t remember anything immediately pre surgery or anything post surgery, once again immediately after. I too have struggled with the question of how do we almost “earn” this second chance and not squander it. My case wasn’t easy for the surgeons as the aneurysm was near the brain stem and they really didn’t want to touch it, that really makes me think about what would have happened had I passed. As I said I was only 22 and am 25 now but what I’ve found is that those questions really have no concrete answers. The best thing I’ve done is to try and help others at the rehab hospital I was in by being an example of a fast and healthy recovery. I’ve gone back to school and am now a year away from completing my degree in economics at the University of California San Diego. I’ve tried to earn my life back by not letting this event ruin my plans. I was two weeks away from starting at this university as a transfer student. This has been the single most humbling experience of my life but I refuse to let this experience rule my life. We were dammed by having it occur to us at a young age but at the same time blessed by having the chance to recover, not too many people get that chance, because of the youth factor. The three year anniversary of the aneurysm is coming up and I don’t know what to so. How do you celebrate the day you almost died? I’m not sure if to just take it as a normal day or to do something fun and exciting to help build other memories. It wasn’t luck that we survived and it wasn’t luck that we’re recovering. Why me will only get us going in circles and that’s an easy way to squander a second opportunity. I think the best way to make best use of this second opportunity is to not let this aneurysm win, don’t let it take your life your dreams and your goals. Are they harder now than before? Probably, but that doesn’t mean that they are impossible to achieve. By surviving this it means that you are a fighter and won’t take things as they come. If your body could know that by having you survive then it’s time your mind and heart knew that as well. Anyways best of luck and feelfree shoshoot me a message any time.

Sincerely,

Arturo Gonzalez

6

Btw my bad for any bad grammar or misspellings I am typing on my phone.

7

Hi Penelope...I think part of this journey...is understanding why we lived and is there this bigger purpose...it isn't easy...I am blessed that I donot look back...I feel that everything happens for a reason...and I may not do big and wonderful things, but I live my life "one day at a time" embracing the bad with the good...perhaps this is my 2nd life...because I used to always live with "what if's"...and they get you know where...Be good to you...~ Thoughts out to you ~ Colleen

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Hi Penelope,

My name is Paula and I'm new to this site. I am happy to hear that you are doing well and survived. My aneurysm was discovered when I was 19 and having severe migraines. Thankfully they finally found mine and it did not rupture. However, it was unique based on the size and where it is located. Mine is wrapped, therefore I still have it and can still rupture. Anyway, your thoughts regarding your life are not uncommon. You learn to take one day at a time and appreciate the little things, especially those who are there for you. Just remember that you can't change the past but can make changes going forward since you've been given a second chance at life. Regarding everyone telling you how lucky you are, that is true. However when you are the one laying in the hospital bed, waiting outside the operating room, going thru all the tests, recovering from surgery you truly do not feel so lucky. As you start your recovery, slowly you will see that you are lucky, but sometimes it is hard not to be bitter and wonder...why me. These feelings will eventually go away with time. Just get thru each day and work towards what you want your life to like not that you have a second chance. Paula

9

Depression & introspection are very common after any life-threatening medical event, but add the fact that your injury was to the brain, the seat of all your emotions and thinking, and it almost seems to me to be expected. Do take it seriously; perhaps consider taking anti-depressants for a while (or if you were already on them, like I was, increase the dose or try a different drug).

I had the same questions as you, for the first time while signing my DNR papers before surgery. Then and now, I didn't have any regrets about how I'd lived my life. But I was deeply resentful for all the expectations of me and for opportunities I felt had been denied me. That's what's changed since - most of the time I satisfy myself first! Before my aneurysms I was not happy, I was driven. Those events literally forced me to slow down and reevaluate everything. It's been the most liberating experience of my life. Anything I don't feel like doing gets seriously questioned. For a simple example, my house isn't as clean as it used to be, because I hate housework. I realized that there was no inherent value in a completely spotless house, and I don't wanna!! That doesn't mean it's disgusting, just that it's not such a burden on me anymore.

Hope that helps!

10

Good Morning, Penelope

My aneurysms rupture and SAH happened 8 years ago, when I was 61 years old. My life was also "saved." I knew that God was definitely in control, using the gifts and graces of the hospital staff personnel, ambulance drivers and EMTs, nurses and surgeons; also the prayers offered for me by so many beautiful people. I know that my life is supposed to make a difference because of the miracle given to me and my life being spared.

I went through a tough time of anger and deep sadness. These emotions are natural after an SAH and aneurysm rupture. Know that these emotions will become less as you and your brain heal. Allow yourself time to heal and don't be too hard on yourself. Eat healthy foods, read uplifting books and get exercise appropriate for your healing time/level.

If you are a person of faith, talk with God. He will reveal to you the plans He has for you as you seek to live the life that will make a difference. I will pray that God will richly bless you as you seek your answers.

God Bless You,

Paulette

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Hi Penelope
I had my SAH and surgery 2 years ago. The emotional aftermath was intense. I too was told how luck I was and I am grateful that I got help in time. One of the speech therapist told me that I was different now .
For some reason that seemed to help. He said I had to learn about my new self and take it slow. He was right. Hope this helps - hang in there! Cindy

12

Dear Penelope, these feelings are normal, especially being so early in your recovery-6 months. Yes, you’re young, and we survivors, have all asked these questions, with our 2nd life. Which God on his Glory, has provided for us. Yes, I am also blessed, I am survivor of a ruptured aneurysm, 2 years ago, that required, emergency surgery. I spent 4 months in the hospital. Two months in Toronto Western a Hospital, the place that saved my life, with God’s Grace, two months in Toronto Rehab Hospital, and six months at Scarborough Centennial Hospital outpatient physiotherapy. I am very grateful for Life! And to my blessings,my husband, and kids, relatives, and friends. But very happy to have found this BAF site, the “survivors rock” and are there for you, on any given day. Pay it forward, Penelope. My thoughts, and prayers, are with your loved ones, and you.

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Very well said Arturo. :).

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My wife was 63 when her aneurysm ruptured. She didn't feel exactly what you did about purpose in life, but for a time she did say and even wrote that she felt like crumpled goods. There was over a month missing from her memory, and she had to learn to do everything again, even sit up. Before she had a purposeful life serving God and others, and after she regained ability she resumed living purposefully. The question you have probably has more than one level. On the specifics of day-to-day living for yourself as an individual, probably only you can discover the answer. However, ultimately it is a question of fulfilling the purpose the Creator intended. I would suggest you read the biblical book of Ecclesiastes which was written by King Solomon. He addresses that very issue of purpose in life. You might find his conclusions useful.

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Arturo, love this reply. I can feel your passion for life through your words. And I am most impressed that you typed this ON A PHONE! :)

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Hi Penelope, my aneurysm was caught before rupture and clipped 11 months ago. Before finding out about the aneurysm I also wondered if I would be content in leaving this life as is. And I was disappointed to see that I was not satisfied with how I was living it. I was thrilled to see I was given a second chance. But I did not expect that, while I had forgotten time right before or after surgery, that I would recall fresh details from over 18 years ago. Stupid, hurtful, embarrassing moments seemed fresh in my memory. Why couldn't I have lost those? Ha! I wallowed for a few days angry at myself for reverting back to things I thought had been purged. Think of it as an opportunity to cleanse and release. It's time to make your life what you want it to be. Enjoy your second chance! I talk/write too much so I'll stop here and maybe blog about it on my page. Thanks for your share.

17

Hi Penelope
I agree with all the comments people are sharing with you. You are truly blessed.
I have an unruptured brain aneurysm. When I was first told of my condition (age 47) I began what I now recognize as the phases of mourning. I was numb at first then as I adjusted I was sad and scared. Then I became bitter with thoughts of what I could lose. The reality is I also have been given a second chance. Thats when peace and clarity came about as a result of realizing that "I’m still here. "That I am lucky enough to wake up near my kids and husband. That I am still able to do so much especially love,laugh and truly enjoy my family and friends. So I have began to cut out those things in my life that are not bearing fruit. I think I live more in the moment. I hope are testimonies help to strengthen your journey.
I am really glad you got this second chance and that you are aware of it. May God continue to grant you favor, healing and peace.
Sincerely
Lydia

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Kmk it’s been two years since mine ruptured. On the way to the opperation I said a prayer n said god if it’s my time I’m ready, but if not I would love to see my girl get out of the navy get married n have a grand ba

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One year ago, 9-4-13, I survived a ruptured grade IV brain aneurysm. No headaches, no warning! My 70 year old husband of only 5 months decided to stop by the house between handyman jobs and found me unconscious in my recliner. The Las Vegas ER doctor said they “couldn’t help me” and gave me only a 3% chance of surviving the trip to the nearest trauma center. My family chose my previous employer, a hospital 10 miles away. The doctor there gave me a 10% chance of surviving the coiling. I spent 8 days in an induced coma and 20+ days in ICU. Everyone in the ICU was great to me and all my family who flew in for support. I realized I could have been standing before my Creator to give an accounting of my life. Was I ready to face Him?? Miraculously, I suffered NO paralysis or other disability. Thankful but curious why God spared me I soon found out. I was discharged just a couple months before my RN daughter was to have surgery to remove her brain tumor (same location as my rupture). My Neurologist had recommended immediate family (sisters and kids) have MRAs done. That’s how they found a small brain tumor that was growing at an alarming rate. God allowed me to be there for her as she was for me. Her surgery in April was successful and she’s back at work (Oakland Children’s Hospital PICU) and busy raising her four daughters. 2nd chance at life... give testimony and encouragement to all who will listen. God will never leave us nor forsake us. I'm submitting my story to Guideposts and other magazines. Blessings and peace.

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Penelope, I'm glad you've brought up this particular issue and I'm glad so many people here have responded positively to your question and shared that they, too, have had trouble dealing with emotions afterwards. I'll add my voice. I bet it is more common than not for a near-death survivor to examine her or his life and compare the old life to this "new" one; wonder about their survival when so many do not survive; and re-examine old, once-resolved issues.

I, too, was surprised by how much anger I had, even for years after my recovery. It took a combination of self-reflection (in fits and starts, so to speak) and tinkering with medication for this aspect of recovery to come about. My neurologist had been at a loss for how to help me with the labile emotions. Finally, three years after my SAH, he prescribed Nuedexta. At that time, Nuedexta was used to treat pseudo-bulbar affect (I really hadn't had symptoms of pseudo-bulbar, per se, but he thought to give it a try even so). These days, Nuedexta is also being used to treat some symptoms of Parkinson's and ALS. It's a new-old medicine, a combination of dextromethorphine "cough medicine" and quinidine (quinidine helps slow the rate of metabolism of the dextromethorphine, as I understand it). I feel that Nuedexta truly gave me my life back. I have been able to stay comfortable in my own skin, stay in my marriage, and mother my two boys (now teenagers) in a healthy way. Had I stayed so angry, so labile… I just don't know.

The other medication change that helped me tremendously was getting off the beta blocker prescribed early-on in recovery to help lower my blood pressure. My BP hadn't been tremendously high, only 140/90ish… a long story, really, but once I found a different way to manage my blood pressure and got off the beta blocker -- 4.5 years into recovery-- my energy came roaring back, and I was so surprised. I'd thought that my low energy was simply a leftover of the SAH and that I'd just need to accept it. I see that you feel sad, Penelope, and sometimes sadness is a manifestation of low energy (and/or depression, of course).

I'm certainly not trying to imply that beta blockers are evil… this is just my experience.

All that said, often feelings of anger and sadness are very justifiable emotions and need to be processed in due time. I now think that much of my post-recovery anger came from how I was treated by the paramedics and ER staff. They had all assumed I had overdosed (intentionally or otherwise). Again, long story, but the only snippet in my memory of the paramedics is a feeling of intense frustration with how slow-pokey they were being. Then in the ER, apparently I was being yelled at by the triage team: "What did you take? WHAT did you take?" Of course, I was in and out of consciousness, confused, and non-verbal. I know they all have a very tough job, and they see it all and are trained to react a certain way out of necessity, but I think that the brain hangs on to stuff like this until we do some self work to release it. And that takes time. Hugs to you, Penelope!

Kathy

(I'm 48 now. I had a ruptured basilar aneurysm at age 42. Repaired by coiling.)