Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts. They were really helpful. Although I experience a lot of anger and sadness at times, I have never questioned why this has happened to me, but instead was thankful that it did. Before the aneurysm I neglected myself, emotionally especially. I let other people abuse me physically, verbally and emotionally over the years and I felt that I just had to settle with whatever others gave me and not demand for what I thought I deserved. Because of that reflection outside the operating room, I realized that I do not want to live like that anymore. I realized too that this time, I will be the first priority. The aneurysm actually changed my life in a good way, but then all the resentment, hatred, anger and pains from the past all came back.
I am really thankful for all of you who support me in my journey and hope to be able to give hope to others as well in the future.
Penelope, Congratulations on being in the survivors club! I know exactly how you feel. I have went back to school and attained my Bachelor's Degree, have joined clubs that help local Traumatic Brain Injury patients, donated to the BAFound and also Kosairs, set my sights on the Bible and God, and also have bowled multiple 300's since the ruptured aneurysm. I am a full time employee at a Health Care organization and show up almost every day even though my head hurts from the craniotomy (I have finally gotten a Radio Frequency Lesioning/Ablation to help those). I have gotten a lap band and lost 40+ lbs so far also.
On the dark side of me, I have feelings of angst, depression, remorse, and regret. My father passed away when I was 15 from a brain tumor and I cannot get that off of my mind. Also, I have been to a psychiatrist and psychologist and am on medication to assist my brain with coping. I also feel like I am going to die all the time and I am sure that is from almost dying from the ruptured aneurysm.
What I have done to help me is to go back to a psychologist to get some assistance with everything. I have also tried to exercise regularly because that will make you feel so much better! Talk to your family and friends about this because they need to understand where you are at in recovery and how they can help.
Penelope- this was a great post and so are all the comments. I had an aneurysm and SAH last year, out of the blue. I know I’m “lucky” I survived but the experience does really make you think hard about life and what changes we should make. I wish I knew people who lived local to me who’ve been through this experience, because it would be so nice to meet and discuss these things in person sometimes. Does anyone ever try to organize in-person gatherings??
I agree with you John, GOD has a purpose for us all and I knew before it happen. And I really know now. It happen to me on Oct 16, 2012, The doctor said you are BLESSED, because i never seen anyone survive with what you had. I am and I was Blessed with a second chance. I just can't began to tell you how I felt and how I feel now. It will be 2 yrs this Oct 16, 2014. Penelope, I just started to really realize just what has happen to me. I plan on finding out why GOD has spared me and I have been on this journey since 10-16-12. I am praying for everyone, with much LOVE and heartfelt THANKS!!!
Penelope, I definitely understand your feelings. I survived a ruptured SAH in January of 2006. I was 33 years old. I have struggled off and on with feelings of depression., regret, loss. I almost constantly referred to “the OLD me”, the one that could remember anything and everything. Now the “new” me. Short term memory is awful. I stress easily. I’m defensive. I never feel like I get everything done. The only advice that I can give is one day at a time. Somethings might be difficult foe me, by I am thankful for my survival. Thankful my children didn’t have to go thru that loss. I wish you well, wish you peace and welcome to the survivors club!!
I totally understand your feeling and I am going to assume that many of ruptured brain aneurysm survivors contemplate their life after such near death experience. I went thru what you are going thru. One thing I realized after my surgery was while I am not a drama queen, I used to be able to tolerate majority of my friends drama but now they've realized as much as I try, I don't wanna hear it. As I got a second chance to live, I wanted to do many things but one thing I needed to do right away was eliminate unneccessary stress as much as possible. All the stress is not gone but after my experience, I see life very differently.
My SAH happened spontaneously as well, at age 31. I don’t remember much of anything for the following 3 or 4 weeks, but I do know they told my husband the location of the the rupture was in the “worst possible place” for both me and for the neurosurgeon’s team. Things worked out better than I think most were expecting and I’ve made a mostly full recovery. There are still times when it feels like it all happened to “somebody else”. I’m not sure that will ever change given the lack of memories… Or if I just haven’t fully “dealt” with the event (it’s been over 3 years).
When I returned home, I had a 3 year old and a 3 month old waiting for me. I was (and still am) a stay at home mom; being there for the kids took on a whole new meaning. My priorities in life shifted and I focused all of what little energy I had into caring for them. Enjoying my kids became a bigger deal to me than say, making sure the rug got vacuumed or whatever. I really felt a need for them to understand that I was still “here” (as a note - THEY weren’t that concerned being as “young” as they were, but “I” was concerned about it). For awhile, I really was focused on how many “events” in their lives I almost missed being a part of and wanted to make sure to be “involved” now, since I could. (I felt like I was before, but … not as much? I don’t know, it’s hard to describe.)
These days, my priorities are definitely “different” than what they were 3.5 years ago. Some of that is definitely due to the aneurysm but some is just general maturing. In general, I’m grateful that I’m still here and I appreciate all the milestones I HAVE been able to witness since that time. I try to make the best of each day and appreciate things as they are. I do however wonder about the “future” for myself (once the kids are grown enough to stop being a stay at home mom). I’m certainly not the same person and my path in life before the aneurysm no longer necessarily “fits” me… But I figure, I have years to work that part out yet. For me, it’s one day at a time!
I think all of us here has likely pondered the 'why me--why did I make it' scenario...you're not alone on this. If you think looking backward will help you get thru the forward part of life, go for it. If not, smile and carry on. Glad you're here with us !
Hi Penelope ,
I can so relate to what you are saying about the quality of life before Aneurysm. I lived a life full of commitments , job , family, extended family, friends school, etc. I was getting through that haze I called life, which I thought was how we do life.
It was not until I experience this tragedy that I really look back I saw what I missed and was missing. I have learned and still learning truly there is a purpose in life. I don’t have to take things so serious, I learn how to let go more. Truly except those things I cannot change. I learned to look at me and see me for real…my weakness and my strengths and appreciate both are part of me. I laugh more, enjoy quite moments and great talks with real friends. I made friendship with people I would not have meet if I did not experience this illness. Yes… I can say I would love to have the privilege to choose my steps in my journey… But without doubt my second chance has truly help me to love life …for real. Thanks soo much for sharing. Please keep posting. God bless !!!
