When I first came here, everyone was talking about their “new normal”. Heck, even my Neurosurgeon said it at our last appointment. I let her know I didn’t like the term. On the 75 minute drive or more home I had to think why I didn’t like something that’s everywhere. It comes down to this- I don’t aspire to be normal. Heck I don’t even know what “normal” is.
If you live in one area of the country, normal can be very different than in another. Not to mention in different countries. Heck the English like their beer warm or so I’m told. That’s just not normal…to me. And here in the South, people think red wine should be served at 70 degrees or more because the bottle says “serve at room temperature”. I choose cellar room temps because I like my wine cold.
So we came up with something I like. We call it the “new revised me”.
I see it like the Cliff Notes version of my life - the gist of it all is still there, just some of the little things are left out. Maybe not a big deal to others but for me it’s a daily adjustment.
So the Revised Me got the news that my brain has done all it can do in the healing department. The open neck is still there but I don’t have to worry because my cells created a new path under it, effectively shutting that cave down! I’m pretty excited about it. Having a 1mm opening in a ruptured for over a year is a pita to say the least.
I found the word I’ve been struggling for since I ruptured and became scared that I couldn’t “see, feel” my thoughts. My brain can be and usually is a black abyss. The word is visualize! Happy dance:). I used to visualize everything. I finally got my wonderful Doc to understand when I asked her if she went through the acts of surgery in her head before she went into someone, seeing all the work that needed to be done, seeing things that might go awry. And yes of course she does! She visualizes herself doing the work before she starts on each and every patient. I am her enigma! Well at least one of them anyways. I feel honored that my arteries and brain are so different that she wouldn’t let a student touch it not normal - just saying
I became so excited last month when I actually visualized something! Don’t ask me what it was, I think something to do with a horse’s leg. Couldn’t tell you if it was animal or wood. I don’t know why it popped into my brain but it did! If it can do it once, it can do it again. And since it did pop in my head, I’ve been itching to carve.
I’ve been practicing looking at my parents woods. I stare at a certain tree or sets of trees and try to keep that picture in my brain. Then I close my eyes and try to see it. One day I know I will be able to see it. Just a little more something and it will click. Immediately prior to that visualization there was a feeling in my brain that I liken to standing in the surf when the tide is going out. There’s a suction under your feet. You feel like your losing your balance and then POP the sand fills in under you again. There’s no other feeling like it and that’s what my brain felt like.
Well the revised me is a talker and a rambler and this is just what I’ve done! Thank you to everyone for being here! Thanks to the awesome people who’ve supported me while I’ve been on sabbatical