Please help me!

i am so damn miserable and cannot stand myself!!! i'm so angry all the time and can't enjoy my life, my children, anything. i don't know what to do but i'm so afraid i'm damaging my relationship with my young children. i feel as if i need anti-psychotic drugs or something just to get through the day and remain stable. i can't take this anymore!! i just want to run as far as i can and stay away from everyone!!!

Sweetie,

we ALL have been there, just read some of my older post!!!! they were not pretty... :)

It's a sucky ass time, but it really does get better and brighter... But right now for you it SUUUCCKKS....

I feel your pain and frustration... get some raw eggs, take them out side and one by one throw them.... at something so they smash really great... and let all the frustration out with each egg, I know this sounds silly, but I'm here to tell you it WORKS great....

Oh yeah, I did start seeing a counsler too, she helped too...

But get you some EGG therapy...

Kisses

PW

Hi Kathy I knew exactly how you feel and I say knew because although it would of been so much easier to stay indoors and wallow in self pity I knew I had to pull myself together and get on with life for the kids. It is hard I know but it has to be done and eventually you will see that for yourself. And no your not ruining your relationship with them when the time is right you will explain everything to them and they will understand why you did and said anything so don’t worry your children will always love you. Jess.xxx

Ps hope you start to feel better soon.

Hi Kathy,

I am so sorry that you are having such a bad experience. It is certainly understandable that all the demands that you have in addition to trying to recover are simply overwhelming. Is there someone who could relieve you for a 1/2 day just so that you could have some time for yourself?

Ken Stratmann has a fantastic blog on this site that I would like to recommend to you. A letter from your Brain

Please read it. It will be both revealing and sometime humurous.

Take care. I will be praying for you.

Carole

Hi Kathy-I am so very sorry you are having such a hard time! Please know you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I read your profile and saw you were coiled, I am assuming it was done endovacularly. So there are no visible signs like a scar to remind EVERYONE what you have been through. You have been through, and lived through, a traumatic brain injury! Whether or not there are scars, it was and is a major life threatening surgery that you, and your family, have been blessed to have you survive. There are times when my husband and family forget this...but I keep reminding them! I had major surgery (I had the PED) you morons....yada yada yada...remember?! I am lucky they all help and pick up the slack, but my children are older, 25, 21 and 20, two living at home, and they SHOULD be picking up the slack. You seem to have younger children, and I remember what that was like, it is soooo hard, especially when you are ill. You need to remind your husband, that just because there isn't a scar, doesn't mean you didn't undergo major surgery. You need time to heal and time to rest. And quite possibly, meds! Your children will love you no matter what, just explain to them about the boo boo in your head and how it sometimes makes you become someone you don't like, that it hurts and makes you behave differently than you normally would...but, that things will get better and I assure you, they will! It could also be a teaching moment...have them pick up their own toys to help Mommy, have them be responsible for the things they are able to, like keeping their rooms clean, or help you sort laundry. In the end, it will help to make them more independent of you as they get older, thereby lessening the burden you currently seem to be shouldering by yourself. Learn to delegate what you can, what is within their abilities....and most of all, be good to yourself! Ask for help from a friend, a relative, someone....And as for the husband, have him get on here and read what some people go through and he may have a different perspective. Don't forget though, I am certain he was frightened he would be left alone to raise those kids! So he may also be having issues and want everything to be ok, men often want things fixed immediately. That's how they are....this medical issue has brought my husband and I closer, because he saw how close he was to losing me. I hope and pray for the same for you and yours. Keep the lines of communication open when you are not angry and talk when things are calm. Just remember, you are NOT alone, we are all here to listen and help in any way we can! Prayers coming your way, honey.

Cece

Sweet kathy....First and most important your not alone! I saw your post and it stopped me dead in my tracks, I have been there and find myself slip back to that place every so often and I know how scarey it is! I find that I am usually trying to do things my way instead of having the faith and leaving things in Gods hands. Remember we are survivors because of him...for a reason...he has big plans for you Kathy!

And you may also want to think about getting your meds adjusted!

My thoughts and prayers are with you !!!!!!!! =) dee

Hey Kathy,

I have to tell you a little story about a young girl that I have meet that had the worst headache of her life last spring..28 year's old with two small children and had a an aneurysm that busted. She was rushed to hospital where she underwent clipping. Her life was saved but then a few weeks after surgery she developed an infection on her scar which lead to surgery number 2 to remove the bone flap, surgery number 3 is this month to replace the bone flap. She was so bitter and angry about what had happened to her, how it had changed her entire life. Her husband was also angry. Everyone of us asks the question "why Me?" No one know why us. I asked her the same thing that I am about to ask you. Do you feel better by being angry? Is your life easier at this point by being miserable? This is tragic what has happened to you but I promise that laughter, keeping yourself as busy as you can doing whatever you can will make it so that you really don't have time to be angry. I have seen your pics and read your story :0) you have such a nice looking family. As hard as this is for them it's harder for us and honestly there is no way to make them understand. Do what you can, WHEN you can. The bad days that's what we are here for!!!

Go with the attitude that life is hard enough without adding anger, bitterness & missery to it..Laugh at the stupid stuff, listen to lots of upbeat music, dance around your house with your kids. who cares if someone else thinks we are nuts..We are aneurysm survivors!!! Key word being SURVIVORS!!!

We and only we can make us feel better :o)

Most important never forget we are here for eachother during the tough times...Vent when you need to because that is just as important as laughing!!!! ( I have used this forum just for that reason on occasion).

Take care sweetie, your not alone!!

(((hugs)))

Kimberley

Hi Kathy...You need to speak your Neurologist and tell them your symptoms...you may need some meds to help...and/or perhaps something is off...such as your thyroid, etc., which can also cause some of the similar feelings you are having...God Bless...Keeping you in my prayers all will get better...Colleen

Love this story Kimberley...told...really hits home...she is one smart lady...

Kathy, while I didn't go through what you are going through with my annie, I do know how you feel - I went through this while I was undergoing bc cancer treatment starting when my daughter was 11.

You don't need anti-psychotic drugs. You may need something to take the edge off your emotions. I was put on an anti-depressant, which are not anti-psychotic, and also Lorazapem as needed (Atavan) for anxiety. It is true, most people see us and feel that we are "fixed" - little do they know the fatigue and emotional highs and lows. I found that my oncologist did not want to treat my depression and anxiety because those weren't "her drugs", but I had a wonderful GP who did. I started taking Effexor - just know that whatever you take, it may not work and you may have to change meds - it is kind of what works on one person may not another.

I urge you to go to your md to at least ask for Lorazapam - I don't take it regularly, only when I feel anxious. Your children will understand and get through this. Your husband, well, I don't have advice for that.

I do want to ask you - why are you angry? Know that any reason you give is not being selfish - those who have faced death or a any life threatening illness have emotional difficulties. Know that we are here for you - if you want to privately email me - ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. Take one day at a time.

Sherri

Suicide thoughts are an entire different "ballgame"...pleas seek help either through a "suicide hotline" and/or you can Baker act yourself for 72 hours in a hospital to get some immediate physchiatric and medical attention...Please...I am worried...and I am not sure this site is equip for all of your feelings and thoughts...Gotcha close in my heart and prayers...Colleen

I agree with Colleen - you need professional help. About the DV - I myself fled 1 year into my cancer treatment. I left everything behind (except for my daughter, of course) and went into hiding. Best decision I ever made. I didn't have any family support, either. If you want to talk, email me at ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■.

Again, with suicide thoughts, you need help fast. Most states/towns have suicide hot lines. Please call - that is an emergency.

Sherri

thank you, colleen. i could never hurt myself. i fear how my small children would be raised by the black-hearted MIL. she's already her son and daughter up. i'd rather live in misery than allow her to damage my children. it was just a soothing thought to be able to end it all.

someone sent me a funny on facebook that said something like, "dear mother-in-law, i don't need your advice on how to raise my children. i'm married to one of yours and he really needs help."

i printed it to send to her but never did. who needs the additional drama? she'd have a martyr meltdown and i'd be to blame. egad.

sherri - i'm so afraid of how it would affect having full custody of my children. i'd rather keep it to myself to perserve my ability to have my children.

You would be surprised - I don't know of any woman who lost custody after going into hiding. Is there any documentation for DV, such as the police, er visits, etc. I didn't have any - I, too suffered in silence. Really bad for your pchsy, I know. I led a DV group and helped women relocate for years.

Sherri

no, the abuse is inside the home and not physical. i've seen a therapist who said she'd be in court w/me. but now i have too many health problems to even consider starting the whole process again.

i have an appt to apply for disability on the 9th. i'm hoping it will give me a bit of financial independence. i would like to be able to qualify so i can afford someone to help clean house and also to pay someone to help care for me and my kids following knee surgery.

it's so daunting. i can't work and even if i could, i couldn't afford the cost of daycare w/twins.

Dear Kathy,

I agree with Colleen!

It sounds to me that with all the different emotions you have and had that you really need to find to get someone to listen to you if you have to scream at them!!!!

so many prayers your way!!!

Hi Kathy...I must be honest...many of your problems aren't related to the brain aneurysm...it may add to your emotions, etc., ie., someone stole your drugs...Did u call the cops and make out a report? etc., prioritize what is most important...if it is your children...then that should take priority...

I really think you need to get some sort of help in your 3D world...I donot know we are equipped on this site to help so many issues...

I hope you understand I am not lecturing, but I am listening and I want you to get the help you need...You are in my Prayers...Colleen

I agree with Colleens advice....My prayers are with you and your children....