So its official I think I am going crazy !! This is more of a journal entry. I can't stand it anymore . my husband and I are at eachothers throats . I can literally go from 0 to ripping someones face off in a matter of seconds. I'm so tired of apologizing. I have such a hot temper. I must have cried for over an hour last night , really sobbing to the point that my eye lids are so swollen this morning. I do have alot of reason to be upset . its the holidays and we are broke with 2 children. My mother is in prison my father lives in Texas and my sister now lives in another state. I feel completely alone . My husband doesn't understand my pain . I have amazing children that do not deserve this . I have a 5 year old boy and a 10 year old . My 10 year old just got his first report card , straight A 's !!!! my little guy is doing great too . I spent my evening crying in the bathroom until my little guy slipped a note under the bathroom door that just said mom i love you. He has just learned to spell a couple of words so that was a big deal anyway but just that he did it at that moment made me cry more .But at that point I sucked it up and went in my room to cuddle with him. I am going to try my hardest to take this one day at a time . I have never been a pill person and don't plan on starting now . To each is own. but I want to try to do this without meds. I know all of you understand what this feels like . I know I am different and I absolutely hate it ! Its so hard to explain this to my family when I really don't understand it myself. My husband out of frustration in the middle of an arguement had said whats wrong with you ? you haven't been the same . He felt awful afterwards but whats said is said . Speaking of the husband he just called from work to check up on me and tell me how sorry he is and that he loves me . I hate what I'm doing to my family . MY husband is the hardest working man I have ever met !! He is trying so hard to make ends meet for the holiday and then both kids B-days the first week of january and I'm adding to his stress by falling apart. Thanks for " listening" everyone . like I said this would be more of a journal entry. I will get through this I know I will !! One day at a time .
Hi Amanda ... it is so good to write your feelings down...and try and get them incheck, but perhaps right now you can't do it alone...Have you talked to your Neurologist about all of your feelings? Perhaps some "talk therapy" would help you out...With or without the annie...we all continue to have stress in our lives and need to find a way to deal with it...maybe a professional can help you out...and sweetie...You are NOT Crazy...sometimes we need some help along this journey...and that is ok...
Keeping you in my prayers ...Colleen
Thank you colleen . I actually don't have a neurologist. My pcp just asked me who mine was and I told her that I have only seen my neurosurgeon. I asked her if I should have one ( I think i should )she told me that she would have to review my file first. I'm not one for talking about my feelings. Its so much easier to just dump my problems on all of you . LOL. Its useless to talk to anyone . I mean what are they going to say ? I have always been an anti med person but I am at the point that I have considered trying it . its 12 pm and so far so good . no tears no angry outbursts . the tears come after the anger because i juast feel so bad for being such a bitch to everyone. pardon my language but I am .I was one of the nicest people you would ever meet now i don't even like me .I have never been a drinker but I tell ya if I wasn't on plavix right now , oh my yummy a nice mixed drink just seems like it would be so relaxing . but for now death by chocolate ice cream will have to do . I will be okay. Honestly its this site that has and will continue to help. It takes one to know one . only all of you can understand.
Hi Amanda...I am so sorry I forgot that yesterday we were posting about a neurologist...somedays you would think I had brain surgery...lol...just trying to make you laugh...I do think anti~depressant may be a good thing...don't they say..."anger is depression turned upside down"...
Gotcha in my thoughts...you keep sharing...and keep us posted...Cyber~hugs Colleen
Amanda,
Here's a big on cyber hug and a bunch of healing thoughts your way! Sometimes, what we need more than anything is to just cry, scream, even if no one hears us! God Bless my husband, for when I get like that, he just knows now to check up on me every once in a while, but leaves me alone. Let me cry, let me vent, let me scream let me do whatever it takes to get that frustration off my mind. Many times I have come here and just vented to the forum, to no one in particular, but my BAF family is always there to support me and encourage me and wrap me in love, hugs and prayers.
So I wrap you in love, hugs and prayers and will keep you there!
Linda
Hi Amanda, My name is Amy from Pittsburgh. I would suggest that you do what I did. Get yourself a good Neuro Psychologist who will let you talk, be angry, sad and knows what is going on with you. I have one since September. He is very nice person, said we are different then we use to be because our brains have changed. He turned me over to a regular Pyschologist (no drugs by the way) who is a angel. They will be seeing me on Tuesday for therapy and taking a test to see where I am, they are the ones that will be releasing me to go back to work and drive. If I can be of any other help, please let me know.
Thanks, Amy
amanda we go through emotional times or phases, it will pass. Does the children know what happened to you? And as far as a pill person you cant look at it like that its medicine. Does your husband understand what happened to you? Maybe you need to sit him down and explain to him or let him on this website to LEARN .I'm not a dr but as far as your mom and dad you cant control that but you CAN control your family. When you feel a blow up coming on leave the room or make a code for your husband so he and the kids can leave the room a few minutes. I personally think my husband dont want to admit what happened to me, so i just kindly remind him during talking .Nobody will fully undersdtand us, they think cause were fixed were ok.
You guys are awesome !!! I had tears in my eyes reading all of your responses. yes My kids know . I'm sure my 5 year old really doesn't get it but its funny because if I burn dinner or whatever he'll say its okay mommy its your anuerysm. LOL My older guy is amazing . They were both here with me when it was happening. He refused to go to school because he knew something was wrong but my mother in law came to get him and take him to school. i think i was having a slow leak or something My legs were tingly andmy head hurt from what I'm told . but when a friend came to get me a forced me to go to the hospitol that must have been when it really popped Thats when i screamed and fell to the ground and wasn't responding. No memory of anything. ANYWAY ..... I think my husband gets it but its just that the weight of the world is on his shoulders right now and hes reallystressed out . I'm definetly goingto get through this . Just so you guys know I'm calling my cable company today they have raised my prices forthe internet I'm going to try to talk them down but if not then I'm canceling my service I'm so bummed about that .But thank you sooooo much . you really have helped . I'l check in from time to time on someone elses computer. Good luck to all of you and happy holidays !!!!!!!!!!
awwe sweet lady...please try n understand its not you thats doing this..its your anny, that you did not ask for nor did you pray one night to be stricken with a life threateing, life altering condition. its something we were thrown into..but i can reassure you with Gods help n the support of what sounds to be a loving family...you can get thru this..i dont know how early you r in your recovery process..but from my own experience the 1st yr is like a roller coaster...but you will get off the ride..its your outlook on wether its going to be a scary ride or one full of surprises but you know once its over..its like "WHEWWWW I SURVIVED" im betting your kiddos would trade any gift for having momma n their life, just like your husband...i tell my daughter-22 if it wasnt for the dad times you wouldnt know when you had goodtimes...and even though theyre little..they know more n catch on to more than what we think...as long as your ok believe me they will all be fine..i pray you get better really soon and i know ur trying to do this w/no meds..i swore i would never take anything as i got older but didnt know i was gonna get this curveball thrown my way..anti-anxiety stuff liie ativan or xanax help to take the edge off n u can deal with things more calmly..you dont have to take it forever..just till u feel better..or for me when i didnt feel like crying so much..i hope this helps n remember..Gods gifts are what we are to each other..a momma, wife n survivor...love n prayers michelle n texas
Oh Sweetie..I'm sorry your feeling like your alone..Your not! All this is very hard and no one ever feels the same as they once were but believe it or not what it does do is teach us is a very special way of feeling different emotions that most people don't ever learn..We know more about life, living, bitterness, anger and a whole lot more. The thing is we have to go through all these emotions, there really is no way of getting out of it. It's not a bad idea if you can talk with someone. If you know them or not is really not the point. To be able to sit across from someone that you can just let loose on even if they don't say a word you will still be able to say more of how you feel and what your thinking because you won' t have to worry about if it's your husband and are you going to make him feel bad or if it's your children and they are going to get upset. You don't have that same connection with a professional that you do with your family. Like I said what you would get is another emotion, one of a little relief...You already know that we are all here and we understand..((((hugs)))) Hang in there sweetie...
xxxxxx
Kimberley
i like many others live it EVERYDAY.
you can get on cell phone
Amanda,
If your going crazy then so am I...your not alone! =)
Amanda....I am thankful for you, your family, that you have the strength to come here and share...let out some of the feelings here....and, not on your hubby and children.
There is a spouses group here...I pray you wll invite your hubby to contact / connect with them. Wha little I know, they have been very supportiove of one aother...For all we go through, spouses do, too...in a different manner.
Hugs and Prayers,
Pat