Not as ready as I thought

Well, have not posted in a long time...and it can't be that I have nothing to

I had the worst day since I had my aneurysm just the other day. I used to scrapbook and card make...a lot. The third bedroom in our home was dedicated to the paper, pens, embellishments, tools, machines and all the other things that go with it. Since my SAH, I have no desire to partake in this hobby any more...none, zero, zip.

I decided it was time to get rid of it all and make this a bedroom again. I got in the door and started moving things around. I found a mother's day card with a gift card inside...I don't remember it being given to me. At that point all was lost. I cried for the entire day and have not been back up there.

I think perhaps the chunk of time that is missing is greater than I thought. I think perhaps I got wrapped up in saying goodbye to the old me (whom I liked a lot). I am still sad about that day and am a little afraid to go back up there again. I cannot explain it...I don't have words for how I felt that day.

Has anyone else had this happen? How did you cope, and did it change the way you thought of yourself?

Platino, I think it's another stage of grief, part of saying goodbye to our old selves. It took me over a year to go back into my art studio and it was hard to get that creative spirit back. I must have went in there dozens of times, only to turn around and leave. For me the prompt was helping a new friend, with her own health issues, by taking her into my studio and making affirmation cards. Then another new friend, who thought she had no creativity, expressed a desire to learn. Through instructing her I gained more confidence, that there is still a part of me left. We make play dates, which keep me motivated. Enlist a family member or friend to go into your room with you and play. Creativity is is good therapy and can be very healing. I encourage you not to give up something that use to give you joy.

Don't be in a hurry to throw away, memories can be good too. In my case the Aneurysm's didn't rupture, just bulged pressing against my optic nerves on the best eye....rats.... before I was an active Birder, involved in my local Audubon chapter and was up at the crack of dawn to watch birds, count the hawks in fall, etc. Now looking through those expensive lovey binoculars is now impossible or so hard its not worth the effort. However I keep them, hopeful things may improve or the joy of birding will return however little that may be. I teach my twin Granddaughters to watch birds and they use the small lightweight binoculars, that brings me joy too. Keep up the spirits.....glad you posted, bet there are many more of us.

I feel the same way, but not from the aneurysm. I just started back walking with a cane after lots of warm, salt water PT. Even though it is wonderful that I have vastly improved, I am not the same. I used to be a fabulous cook, housekeeper, sewer, organizer, etc, but now I have no interest in these pastimes. Instead of donating or giving away everything that I had lost interest in, I decided to only jettison the things in my house I never had any attachment to in the first place. It was an easy way to make a bit of progress and at the same time not toss something I might later miss. For instance, I had a gift closet with tons of wrapping material. It made me physically sick to look at it, but I emptied it, ended up with an empty closet and an under the bed gift wrap container, which has the best, but limited amounts of paper, ribbon, etc. Don’t be too ruthless, eliminate and consolidate.


I read your post and it moved me greatly to the point where I have reread it several times. Honestly, it was difficult for me to respond as it is very poignant to how I am feeling too. I had ruptured aneurysm and SAH 2.5 years ago. For myself, the front lobe and mid brain functions are exactly the same prior to my rupture but the changes to my senses have been impacted from vision, hearing, touch and balance. It impacts everything from vision depth and sound. Even though my front lobe was not impact, chronic vertigo leaves me with brain fog which is controlled by medicine but there are side effects. My friends and family tell me that I am exactly the same person but I know that I am not the old self as I see, hear, and feel (tactile) completely differently. Fortunately, the physicians have seen these changes. (involuntary eye jerks, single side hearing loss)

My daily journal including these posts is how I am coping. Often, I look at older journal entries whether things have changed for the better or worse or remained the same. If I find a patten that works, I stick to it. I also got a cute dog that looks like a fox. She keeps me company and provides support.

I sincerely hope that you find peace and comfort. You sound like a creative person. I hope that you find a new adventures and hobbies that will make you feel great and creatively satisfied.

Best Regards,

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Wow these are great post. I’m not the one that had the aneurysm. My husband had an anyuriism clipped a couple of days ago 9/13/16). Prior to this surgery, a few months ago, he had a heart attack and a stroke, he was different coming back after that, and still has not gained everything back. The type of stroke he had affects speech, understanding, and emotions. When they did the ct scan they found the Aneurysm and told him to wait two months, recover from the stoke, have the aneurysm clipped, he lost a lot of time and came back different and had to learn a lot of stuff over for example, how to tell time, now I’m afraid I’ll never get him back .

Hi Platino,

I read your story and the others listed and I am so sorry but I agree with everyone that you should keep the room and your crafts because slowly - you and your new dog could go in there and just look at a couple things and then slowly you may want to fool around and try to create something and slowly get back into it! I know it is very difficult as are the stories above. I know exactly what you mean because it hit me in a different way. I was a high functioning Business Analyst for over 15 years. I rushed back from surgery so I would not lose my job (went back way too soon). Got laid off the day I got back. Then I finally got an interview for a Business Analyst job that I knew would be so easy to get. I knew how to do everything they said the job entailed...not to be cocky....but I had been an Analyst for so long! I passed the interviews and then at the end they gave me a test that I had done years before that I breezed through. This time I was in that room for hours and I realized....what the hell are they was conceptual thinking and things I could make decisions on in a snap but taking the test I had to keep re-reading the question over and over because I just did not understand! I would skip to another question and it would happen again that I just didn't know what they were saying or I would forget the first part of the paragraph! I remember it was a Friday afternoon and I was in there for HOURS until they said we need to go because they want to get out - it's Friday night! I remember walking out and saying by and trying so hard not to cry til I was alone in the car. Then I just burst out in tears and realized that I no longer had the brain functionality that I had always had. I could no longer do my job. It was such a weird, horrible experience and when I explain it to people not like us - they just look at me like....okay, what is the rest of the story......they don't get it. I lost my job, my years of work experience and had to figure out how to get a job without telling people about my brain. It was horrible. That was years ago and sometimes my mind still goes back to that day and feeling but I have to stop it so I go do something else. I had to reinvent myself but now having trouble doing that work and don't know if they will even consider me for disability. It is very difficult but definitely don't throw away your creative room! There is no pressure on you. Just go up there once in awhile and sit with you dog and look around and maybe you will want to make something little one day to see how it goes! But no rush!! Best wishes to you and everyone else on this thread!!

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words! I have taken up adult colouring and find it brings me some peace and quiet. I have so many hobbies it is kind of crazy! Crochet, knitting, tatting, sewing, bead work, leather work etc…but my left hand no longer works like it used to, so a lot of these hobbies are out of my reach…

I am also very good at giving advice to others…I have told others to embrace the new you, and embrace the journey you are on…but do I do it? Not so much. Now is the time to look at my own advice and follow it. That room is only a room and the things in it are only paper, I should not be afraid. The new me knows how important these things were to the old me, and I have to try and have a little empathy for myself…

I am also going to try and be here more often…you guys are great!!

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