Thank you for responses and now caregiver problems

Hi, Jeannine here. I haven't checked here for over a week I think. Most days I have been not well and in bed.

I want to thank each and every one of you for responding to my discussion entitled "TOO MANY EMOTIONS...HELP. It is amazing how much better I felt after reading them. I could identify and learn more from each of your stories. I really needed support and for someone to understand.

I hope to be able to respond to each of you, just be patient with me, there are a lot of responses.

Now, I have a new problem with my caregiver which is my husband and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. First of all, I should tell you when we found out about my aneurysms in August, it was a life changing moment. I don't have to go over what happens between that time and the time of surgery and then recovery, most of you have been there.

That news brought us closer together than ever. The thought of losing me, of facing possible death affected us in a way we never imagined possible. The incredible heartfelt, honest, and loving conversations and actions got us both through this. I have never before in my whole life felt closer to anyone at that time. I actually didn't feel alone. I had my husband and he would be right there with me.

Fast forward to recovery phase. As far as keeping the house up, the shopping, making dinner, laundry, and vacuuming he has been great. He says he's running the house now. haha. He brings me food, drink, ice packs, meds, and anything else I need when I can't get out of bed.

I'm improving greatly with the exception of last week. I think I tried to do too much.

So yesterday morning I asked him a question and he blew up at me. I'd been telling him to slow down, to try to relax too, that everything doesn't have to been done right now, the Christmas shopping I can do mostly on line, and that I could see in his face the tension and anxiety getting worse and worse. Dealing with the emotions of a person recovering from brain surgery are all over the place and difficult for the caregiver to handle as well.

A few minutes after my question, I was told, rather yelled at about everything that apparently had been building up for some time. He reamed me upside and down and I just stood there in shock. The worst part was that he can't take me anymore, he can't handle doing everything, and referring to my bipolar, said I'm done dealing with that as well. I want my life back, I can't take this anxiety anymore. says I think I'm always right, I'm never satisfied with anything...more of the same. When it was ended we went our separate ways and I was certain all that meant he was going to leave me. I can find someone else to take care of me.

We went to a Christmas dinner last night after this and it was all I could do to get through it. Then reality hit. I gave him his presents and he didn't even say thank you. I was then and am now crushed, terrified, and don't know what to do. I think, unless he was just venting????what a way to vent and say awful hurtful things, he will be leaving me.

I love this man so much I cannot imagine living without him. I do not or will not start a new life alone again. He is everything to me. I know it would not take long for me to not be here either. People die from a broken heart all the time. And mine will be broken, it's already starting, I can feel it.

Again, I hope this is appropriate. I'm sure I'm not the only one this has happened too and will not be the last. I'm wondering how you handled it or did it have a positive outcome. Thank you once again.

Jeannine

Jeannine, it might be a good idea for your husband to see a counselor. Caregivers experience a rollercoaster of emotions that can be just as difficult as the emotional overload that patients experience. Everything from survivor guilt, to resentment, to fear, grief, you name it.

Don't anticipate the broken heart situation. It is way too soon to go there. If your husband is willing, ask him to join our Caregiver Support Community (there is a link in the communities list), where he can have a safe outlet to express difficult feelings.

You can definitely have a positive outcome. It sounds like your husband needs some emotional space, and perhaps you do, too. Don't rehash what just happened too much. Just try to move forward. Try to think of it this way: He wasn't yelling at you. He was yelling at unfairness of the universe, and you just happened to be the audience. Deep down, he knows this outburst was unfair to you.

Jeannine, I’m really glad you see how hard it is for our caregivers. When I came back from the hospital, my partner was hyper vigilant about everything, even me going potty lol! As the months have gone by, not so vigilant, but the fears of that time and the months following are being expressed. Communication is the key to everything! Sometimes, well, a lot of times, we sit together just holding hands. We will be together twenty years in February. Just being with each other is good.

I also try very hard to do what I can without overdoing. My job as a SW is over, my job as a providing partner has increased. Does this make sense? It means for me to do what I can to alleviate fears and concerns. To make sure my partner feels loved, but most of all heard. Any little thing to help. Even just changing out to a new roll of toilet paper. I hope you and your husband can communicate, listen to him, let him talk without interrupting, ask him what you can do. Maybe it’s to make sure you take your Bipolar medicine as prescribed. I know everything is hard for you right now, it will get better. Patience, love and understanding is what makes a relationship great! Treat him like he is your best friend. I think it was harder for my partner then for me. Now a year out and two coils later, the difficulties level may be the same but the issues might not all be the same.

My partner has hooked up with the Caregivers Support Group on Facebook. It’s good, because I don’t get on Facebook. I hope he can give it a try. If he does, let him have his space. He needs to vent both the good and the bad.

Also try to get out of bed each day, no matter how much it hurts. This will help stop you sliding into the depressive phase and it will help assure your husband you are willing to be a fighter for both of you.

Dear Jeannine, first a huge hug to you. I remember a similar point during my healing. My husband is super attentive and my best friend. He has always been there to support me. But as my sister said, 'we just didn't know what to expect with your surgery and healing'. Even I thought that in the standard 6 weeks I would be good as new and back to normal. So when 6 weeks came and went and then another and another, I noticed that my husband was looking a bit more frazzled. He was always patient and now I was noticing more eye rolls and exasperated sighs. In response to a simple question one day he blew up. I responded in anger. We were both dealing with emotions we hadn't dealt with. We finally talked and realized it all stemmed from fear; fear of this never ending, fear of everything. I won't bore you with all the details but don't give up hope. This is all new territory for you both. Seek counseling...with someone who is familiar with this type of thing. It will help to be able to talk it through.

Hi Jeannine - As I read your post it was almost like I wrote it and made me sad. My husband was so, so good and supportive in the beginning that I told him I fell in love with him all over again and it was true. Now, 10 months later, he has been mean when he replies to me, mocks me and in general seems to be overreacting to just about everything I do and say and even things I'm not doing but thinks I should be. He even mocked me when I said I wanted to get counseling because I've been feeling depressed. He threw that back in my face at a later time and it really made me feel terrible. I've also been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately too. Unfortunately, in return I've been terrible myself to him. Because he's been this way I've taken to making remarks back and calling him some not so nice names. I can't blame him for my behavior entirely but lately I've been feeling very angry which started before all this came up. It kind of crept up on me and pretty much everything is pissing me off so when my husband started with the remarks I just couldn't deal with it. We have been together a long time and have always overcome our difficulties which have been amazingly few over the years. I feel as you do and love him so, so much. He hasn't been doing as much as your husband around the house and thankfully my recovery has been pretty good so I'm doing a lot more myself so I'm not sure why he is so angry. At least I assume it's anger. I'm hoping I can find a good counselor. I need to get out of my funk and feel like I will be falling into a deeper hole if I don't. Last night was the first time we didn't ring in the new year together. He went to bed mad at me and I was up with the dog watching TV. So, I'm going to start my 2015 reinvention. Not for him but for me and I think it will help us both. If not, then I'll deal with that later but for now, counselling for me and definitely not reacting to him the same way. I think losing that filter on my mouth hasn't been a good thing but I know at least realizing that is a step forward. Sorry for the rambling about my own problems! Please try to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel about him. I know I haven't been good about telling my husband how much I appreciate all he is doing lately and although now it's less than before maybe it's taken it's toll on him and maybe the same is happening with you. I wish you the best with this but know that I totally understand the despair you feel and how hard it is to deal with it while trying to deal with your own recovery. We are told to concentrate on recovery and to take care of ourselves and so we end up not paying attention to the people we love and then that causes another problem. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you!