Thank you 
It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie, but as you know, it takes true determination to move from the quicksand, we sometimes feel like we’re in.
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Absolutely! Sometimes I think my career choice was just my Higher Power’s way of providing me the skills I needed to recover. I used to be a strong believer against that line of thought but my career choice may have changed that as well. I rarely feel depressed, my brain just isn’t wired that way for the most part. The only time I questioned life in general was when I was dealing with DM flare up’s and wondering why I survived a rupture just to have the DM thrown at me. Interestingly, my thoughts went to a story about my MIL when BH was young, had done something that shouldn’t have been done. MIL threw up her hands and said “How much more do you think I can take?” My brain replied to that and said “ Well, about as much as I can throw at you.” So in essence I pulled up my boot straps and got on with dealing what came my way, but I started laughing and thanking Mama Marvie the whole time. Marvie was also an incredibly strong, determined woman who survived a radical double mastectomy, developed cellulitis due to her radiation treatments, developed heart issues and succumbed in her 60’s. But in the too short of time that she was alive and in my life, I have a good bit of funny stories with her in the center of them all. I’ll share one if I may, the first house BH and I purchased had a very odd shaped pool, octagon, that was 5’ deep, maybe 24’ across. no shallow areas once off the steps. Mama Marvie walked across it many times one hot Summer day. She forgot that when they took her breasts, they took a massive amount of muscle. Once a very good swimmer, she decide to swim across the pool underwater, got halfway across and started flailing her arms. BH was hollering to beat the band for her to stand up. I dove in and got her up. BH hollered for her to let me go (I’m only 5’ 1 ½”) once she did, BH hollered again “Mama, why didn’t you just stand up?” She replied “why didn’t you jump in to save me?” And out the pool she walked.
Good Morning,
Let me just say, I can relate to the “How much more can I take” as I had said in earlier posts, I was diagnosed with CRPS, 6 months before the rupture, and told I would have it for the rest of my life, that’s when the “Why Me”, what did I do to deserve this, and then the rupture, and now I’m saying , “How much more do you think I can handle”? The oldvsaying, “God only gives you what you can handle” kept coming into mind, feeling discourage now, I’m not the same, people don’t understand, why can’t you just get over it and be normal, all these things running through my head. It wasn’t until I lost everything, right down to a place to live, that determination set in. Im going to fight back now, get up, dust yourself off, and fight, not just once, but over and over again. Some days, like today, I feel like I’m living under this, LARGE, DARK GRAY CLOUD, and lightening keeps striking me, knocking me down.
Examples:
I got my results back from my the 4 MRI’s on my wrists and hands. Several fractures, torn ligaments, erosive bones, cysts, advanced Osteoarthritis, and Rheumatoid arthritis, and apparently there’s an issue with my bone marrow.
I’ve been having this terrible stabbing pain in my chest for about 2 and a half weeks now, went to urgent care, they said I had a fractured rib, that’s what I thought it was as well. Each morning from that day, the pain got a little worse, so yesterday, I decided to go to emergency. Chest x-ray showed fractured rib as well, and as the doctor was explaing, he kept saying, so your pain is on the left, finally I said why do you keep asking about the left side, well our x-ray shows a fracture on the right, what??? So on to CT, and more blood work. Final result, no fractured ribs, but several fractures on my spine, nodules in my lungs, small mass in my liver (which I already knew about), and pleurisy, (which I probably got from a bad episode of Covid) WTF (excuse my language) it’s all so crazy.
My cloud, my dark gray cloud… I’m not giving up damn it, I’m not, I’ll fight you until the end.
I’m exhaused
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Dang girl! Pleurisy in itself will exhaust you much less everything else. I’d be saying WTF as well and not apologizing for it. 
. You followed the rules and didn’t use profanity in my damaged brain so all is good. I hated having pleurisy, I had to stay in a recliner and not do anything, couldn’t even go outside. But in all honesty, the rupture was far worse pain and restrictions wise. Had a wonderful RN that would take me to a waiting room so I could see outside, once they gave up trying to make me stay in the bed. I really wanted to go outside but they dug their feet in on that. Too may IVs I guess and the monitor I had to be hooked up to was quite a load. When there were some RN students, a lovely young woman would follow along with a hot cup of perfect tea and Flora would let me drink it whilst looking outside. For me, it’s always been the simple things that make me feel good. I hope you can find some pleasure in the simple things.
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Hey there, I’m not sure about any of all of this anymore. I think the pleurisy is something I might have had with Covid, maybe that’s what they saw. I received a call from a placed called, Care Assure yesterday, Apparently, the nodules in my lungs are a serious thing. I have one that’s 7mm, a couple that are 3mm, and a couple that are 2mm, a couple of them are between the lung and protective tissue, similar to the brain. “What is going on here”!
The bummer is, I still hurt, like I’m being stabbed from the inside out.
So, I remembered my sister having nodules in her lungs. I ended up calling her, she has yellow fever, that’s what her nodules were. I’m from the Central Valley, but I’ve been here in Southern California for 25 years now, but back-and-forth to the Central Valley over the years. Yellow fever is most common in the central valley, but also common in the area that I am in which would be Riverside County, there’s a map online that you can look at, showing locations of registered people, once you have valley fever, you have to register with a disease center, and you also have to go to UC Davis for some kind of program. These are the things that my sister had to do , so maybe that’s what I have. She said a lot of people have it, and don’t even know they have it, until it gets to the stage where I’m at right now, the pain, and she described her pain exactly as the pain I’m having. She had to stay in the hospital for seven days and they gave her morphine .
I’m so confused
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Thanks for the yellow fever heads up! Nasty little blood sucking creatures. One of my nieces lives in Temecula so I’ll be sure to text her and her family. I couldn’t find the map but there sure are a lot of clinics that give the yellow fever vaccination! I did see where San Diego, Riverside and San Bernardino Counties were mentioned so I’ll tell two of my cousins the same. I imagine there’s going to be a bit of testing in your future. We never had to worry about Yellow Fever when I lived in So.Cal. back in the ‘70’s, Bubonic plague in Diamond Bar would keep all the horse shows from there every year or two it seemed. I remember one Sunday, our Vet showed up and helped to de flea the horses, our 2 dogs and 2 barn cats. I thought he’d come for the teriyaki skirt steak😂
Hang in there!
I’m so sorry, Valley Fever not yellow fever, so so sorry
That’s why you couldn’t find the map, try looking for it again, under Valley Fever. Also, I am not positive at this point, it’s just a good possibility. I will keep you updated.
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It seems everyone needs to move to Northern Cal, or Imperial County. I went to college at Chico State, back when the population of the city and university were the same 
. I miss Swenson’s hot fudge sundaes and the Gas House pizzas on whole wheat crust. I also miss Gus’s in Loma Linda who had the best taquitos, burritos and corned beef sandwiches and I miss Del Taco where my best friend and I would order two green burritos and fries. NC doesn’t have good Mexican food, restaurants will quickly stop authentic food to go to what the population thinks Mexican food should be, it’s very sad. I hope you get some good results!
I love that you were from this area, If you don’t mind me asking where do you live now? I am thinking somewhere that doesn’t have Del tacos lol.
I love hot fudge sundaes I’m not familiar with Swanson‘s and Del taco green salsa all the way I order the soft chicken tacos with green sauce. It’s always a special order. And thank you, it always knocks me down for a couple of days until I absorb it and then I get back up dust myself off and I’m ready to go.
I do want to share that, my son is getting married in about three weeks, in Columbia, Missouri and I’ll be flying out in a couple weeks. He sent me a video last night – I wonder if I can share it on here, I might try. He wants me to do an out of the ordinary, mother, son dance., it will start out out normal, and then turns into some hip-hop stuff. I’m so t excited about it, I can’t tell you. I’m a dancer, not professionally, I love to dance, but with the stupid pain I didn’t think I could do it, but I’m gonna try the old mind over matter, and put my big girl panties on and give it a shot! I got to do this, I’ve got to do it, for him and for myself.
Below is the link
I live in the foothills area of North Carolina, we moved a few months ago from Catawba County to Lincoln County. I’ve been in NC since the late ‘80’s and am still not liking the high humidity and dew point with temps in the 90’s. If you’ve ever read a book where the author writes “the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife”that’s what they’re talking about, not smog lol.
I have drugs, okay a prescription, for weddings. I literally wrote on the bottle “For weddings” 
. When one of our nephews married it was loud with music they like and I don’t. BH calls it sh@t music. Maybe a mix of different metal and heavy metal music with a lot of camera lights going off and I had to be in those family pictures. I lost my words, my tremor went into my other hand. Basically I was a hot mess despite taking about 8-10 Benadryl prior to the actual ceremony where they were taking some of the family photos. I had an appointment the following week with my Neurologist and he gave me a prescription as I wasn’t over the effects of the wedding. His brother was married a few months later and I did great. His new wife and her Dad did a similar dance as you and your son will do, I loved it! The photographer they used had a different bulb in their cameras that didn’t bother me as did another friend’s daughter at her wedding. I wished I had asked them what they use. She and her Dad did a similar dance and it was great seeing them cut a rug! I had developed two left feet after my rupture but saw Dr. Martin (I’ve had what we call a Vet Crush on him for almost 30 years) getting bushwhacked by a woman who was quite inebriated so I asked to cut in. We danced well enough other people gave us room, that hasn’t happened in many years.
Missouri is a beautiful State. Hopefully their fall colors will be in their peak, ours are usually around the third week of October. Missouri, like NC, has a lot of deciduous trees with some conifers thrown in, so a bit opposite of California. I do hope you enjoy the wedding. If you have troubles with bright light and loud noise you might want to talk to your Neurologist about getting something. And please post the video of you two dancing!
Just found that I didn’t send this, Geeze…
Oh my goodness, you jogged a memory for me .I didn’t even think about the lights and the confusion of the wedding. My younger son got married in October, 2 years ago, and a lot of things went wrong there for me, I had to leave very early. That was when I was taking all the mind altering medications. I’m hoping this one is much better.
The new Neurologist NP I see now since the other relocated has me taking Ativan for when I get overwhelmed. I wasn’t at my best a few days ago and he asked if I was taking it, I literally said no, it’s for emergencies like weddings . He is a wonderful young man whom I’m really impressed with, he suggested I take it when I start having difficulties and not just for “emergencies”. Maybe your doctor can prescribe something like that for you. It doesn’t mess with my ability to process, just calms me down a bit. He prescribed it when I was dealing with all the tradespeople who were working on our new house. Our handyman would remind me to take it:joy:
Ativan, I explain it as, bringing me down a notch. I’ve been taking it for a long time, but on an, as needed basis, for panic attacks. When my heart palpitates, my throat starts feeling like I swallowed a fur ball, and I start coughing uncontrollably, I know it well.
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@JoeF Good Morning! Just thought I’d check in with you. How are you and your son doing?
Thanks for reaching out. I have not been on here much; I see this as more of a survivors’ group and I’m in deep mourning, which is something else.
This has been a hell that I could never imagine. I lost my wife and our daughter and son lost their mother. Each of us had a huge part of us ripped away and it has been hard to support them when I am barely hanging on. But, we are supporting each other as best we can and that has made this awful event easier.
It’s been 4.5 weeks since her rupture. Parts of this are very hard to accept. For example, had I known what was going to happen, I wish that I could have taken her home from the emergency department, laid her in her bed, then stroked her hair, kissed her and told her that I loved her while she died in my arms. I think that would have been a much more dignified and humane way for her to pass into heaven than what actually did happen.
The ICU experience seemed to just drag out her inevitable passing in a cold, undignified and unnecessary manner. A final indignity on top of many others over the years. Why? I’m still angry about that, not at any one person, I guess, but the universe, maybe.
Oh well, enough venting. One step at a time. Thanks for caring for each other.
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Joe,
I’m so sorry for your horrible loss. But remember, while those last hours of her life will be forever etched on your mind, for her, it was probably the briefest of times when compared to the years of loving memories you built together. Her legacy isn’t in the last days she spent in a hospital. It’s in your children, the home you built together, and the objects she valued that you collected throughout the years. It’s in the holidays - Christmases, Thanksgivings, and Birthdays. Maybe even more in the quiet nights spent watching TV, quiet mornings over coffee, and crazy mornings running in all directions. It’s in memories of shared smiles, laughter, and simple touches. Her greatest heartache wouldn’t be because of the last moments of her life, it would be the knowledge of your pain. Try not to stay stuck in those darkest last hours … find joy in the days and years you were graced with her while she lived. I can’t claim to know how you feel, but I know how I would feel if my fate had been your wife’s, and if my husband had written the words you’ve written. It would break my heart. So mourn as we all must, but try to find joy and purpose again. It’s the greatest way to set her free and honor her memory.
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Thank you Joe for the update. We are a support group which covers everything from incidental finds to those with a family member who didn’t pull through after a rupture. You and your children are definitely in our group.
I have my suspicions on why ICU staff seems to be cold - unfortunately in my 26 days in it, I saw many patients not make it. In my experience having to deal with death more than most, those of us with jobs that have death thrown in the face have to learn to deal with it or we can go into a deep depression and some just give up that career choice. The seemingly coldness is most likely the staff’s coping mechanism. It doesn’t help families that have to deal with the terrible loss at all. I remember responding to an ER one time with a detective for a very young mother and her 7 week old baby. The doctor was trying to explain that they needed to stop life support and she was using language that only medical professionals would understand. The grandmother left her 21 year old daughter there alone with the detective, me and the ER doctor during all this. I had to explain to the young mom what the doctor was trying to say. The mom asked me to stay with her and we all walked back to the room. The detective couldn’t go in because she couldn’t deal with it. I refused to allow such a young mother to be alone, even if I was a stranger. The staff did allow the mother to hold her baby after removing most everything. I sang a little song “I see the love of God in you. The light of Christ comes shining through. And I am blessed to be with you. O holy child of God.” A little boy who was born positive to HIV many decades ago taught it to me.
Although we all know death is inevitable once we are born, it makes it no easier on those who have to deal with the loss.
Many people who join our support group who’ve had someone they’ve lost will come on for a bit and then move on. They, like a neighbor I had, get angry that we survived and their loved one didn’t. I can’t answer the question my neighbor posed to me shortly after I got out of ICU when she asked why I survived and her mother didn’t. I just know she was very angry at me for surviving and lashed out at me. Her mother had died during tumultuous times in the ‘60’s from an officer beating her with a billy club. Apparently her mother had an aneurysm and it was ruptured along with other bleeding due to the beating.
So for me, we need to honor those who didn’t make it and their families. I will always hold fast to that belief. Some day, I hope you can come on and tell us some wonderful stories about Sheri.
Regards,
Moltroub
Judi & Moltroub, thanks for your thoughts.
I can see that I need to clear up some things; my poor communication skills is something that my wife and I dealt with constantly. Unfortunately, I might make things worse, but here goes…
My daughter, son and me have discussed this a lot: their Mom, my wife, is in paradise now and has eternal happiness and she would and does want all of her loved ones to be happy as well. I do celebrate that her pain is over, that she can play with her dogs, giggle, laugh, dance and be her happy self. For that, I am thrilled. Sometimes, there is a dark thought that crosses my mind but I am trying to remind myself of her giggles and laughter and how she can now do that forever. I know that when we cross over, that the first arms around us will be hers. That is very comforting.
As far as the ICU being cold: the nurses, doctors, chaplains and all of the other people were very warm, actually. It was the process, not the people. She was hooked up to dozens of tubes, wires and whatnot, surrounded by something called a BairHug to keep her warm and her bed was somewhat elevated. The whole thing just made it hard to get really close to her; I had trouble bending over enough to kiss her. The staff actually bent a few rules a little to accommodate us and even brought in a bunch of snacks and drinks for us, which I don’t think we touched. So, I can’t complain about the people. There was one other process that I still have not talked about that really bothered us, but that might be for a different time.
To summarize: I am thrilled that she is in Heaven and is eternally happy. The hospital staff was great and they all had jobs to do and we all tried to work with the systems the way they were. I wish I could have gotten closer to her but the life support systems make that challenging. Given the circumstances, there are going to be limits and I know that now. Her positive energy is still with us and for that I am very thankful.
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You made everything clear Joe, thank you! I had to look up a Bair hugger, I didn’t have one, but I sure had a lot of gizmos attached to me and BH could only hold my fingers because of the IV’s and what not in my hands. We all get the 30 degree elevation in NSICU as it’s supposed to help and it does. Just having the touch of fingers was a comfort to me as I’m sure whatever touch you could give to Sheri comforted her. The RNs eventually dropped the rail on one side that BH was standing at, some days they’d find a chair for BH to sit. I became very insistent that a chair be brought back to my room before BH arrived. Seems chairs and pillows were a shortage due to the high demands.
I think @Judi did a really good reply. I also see more of Sheri when you share little bits and it really gives me a clear picture of a very strong, loving woman.