My aneurysm ruptured just after my 21st birthday. I had NO idea I had an aneurysm. It caused me to have a seizure, a stroke and a subarachnoid hemorrhage. They coiled it, and I was home just over 2 weeks later, but had about 3 months of pain and recovery. Numbness all over my body, massive headaches, my left eye was turned all the way out sideways. 6 short months later, looking at me now, you would have NO idea what I went through (and I am very thankful for how I have recovered). Still dealing with scans/follow ups/specialists, things aren't perfect on the inside yet. While it was all happening friends and family were concerned (as expected), but now as I am getting into my normal routine of work and school, things seem to have been forgotten, sometimes I think back on it all and feel some anxiety come over me. Its almost as if it was all in my head, or wasn't very serious at all. No one talks about it, no one seems interested in talking about it, no one acknowledges it.
I feel like now that I am feeling healthy and normal again, its just hitting me. All that happened, how scary it is, how I could have died or had serious injuries. Maybe I am just now able to reflect on what happened because there was too much going on at the time, yet everyone else was able to experience and cope with it while it was happening. Im not really sure, has anyone else felt this way? Am I making a bigger deal out of what happened than I should be? I would like to move forward, but I feel this was a huge part of my life and I dont feel its right to just let it go and act like it never happened.
Unfortunately where I live there are no support groups or any types of awareness walks for me to get involved in. Feeling sort of alone.
We are your support! It’s hard for those that didn’t experience these things to fully understand all the emotions, the physical pains, the endurance of it all. Yes, you probably have not had the time or wherewithal to process everything but now it’s all flooding back. And everyone around you just went along for the ride and has their own lives to deal with. That’s where this site comes in really handy! Let it all out here, pour out your story, your ups and downs, all of it. Just putting it out there feels good. It lowers your stress level and your frustration diminishes. It’s not perfect, but it’s better than being alone. I don’t have a local support group to physically attend either, and that’s hard. But this site helps. It reminds me I’m not alone, my feelings are valid, and my experiences are very real. I agree that after a time, when you may seem better on the outside, people “forget” your ordeal. They simply can’t or don’t understand. You can explain it, but it still may not sink in. Some things simply must be experienced to be understood. Please come here often, and just tell it like it is for you. Because whether it was like that for someone else or not, it was real for you. And for the record, what you went through was nothing short of a miracle (your recovery I mean). You could have died, much less had lasting effects. Some here have. We all have a different experience, and for each of us it was hard. But we all can feel each others pain and agree that it’s an awful diagnosis, and it’s altogether impossible to put into words emotionally most days. What you feel is normal, and you are NOT alone.
Hi Jennifer...if it helps I so understand what you are saying...that is why I stay here and give back...because the aneurysm and the ordeal is apart of me...and now I live life...but it is ok to mention it...and talk about one's feelings...Time Heals Jennifer, but this experience will always be a part of YOU are and who you become...Gotcha in my thoughts ~ Colleen
hi Jennifer! i cannot explain-it happened, i have no memory of it but we are all devastated but life goes on as if nothing happened. Nothing is the same and will never be the same. i feel as tho im in a parallel universe but the portal is lost if this makes any sense. but i do know this - i'm very thankful for you all here or i would feel completely alone.God bless you all!
Hey Jennifer. I’m new to this site too and like you, I’m excited to find people who’ve shared similar experiences and might understand how peculiar I feel. Yes! I too (3 years after the event) am still trying to take in how close I came to death. I feel like our families experienced such a horrible scare they’re uncomfortable discussing it with us later. You, like myself, probably have few if any memory of the whole thing. My aneurysm ruptured, I collapsed, was hospitalized for days with induced coma until stable enough for the surgery to clip my aneurysm. Complications kept me hospitalized and medicated for 2 months. All the education our families received from medical staff, we slept through!
You are not making a big deal, it WAS a big deal. Those who loved you through it don’t want to talk about it with you because it reminds them how terrified they were of losing you!
I’m glad for both of us we’ve found a place to vent and learn from each other.
Take care dear! Rita
I don't think you are making it a much bigger deal, it is a very huge deal and affects everyone and everything in your life. People who have never had brain surgery just don't understand all that it entails. Only someone who has been there can understand what you are going through. I thank God for leading me to this site and a couple more where I found comfort in just knowing others were sharing my experiences as well. I still feel like (8 months post-op) it's never going to end. I feel just soooooo confused as to what I should be doing and, even more, am I feeling what I'm supposed to? I've never felt so hopeless about so many issues at one time! I'm grateful I'm a survivor in so many ways, but yet still feel ungrateful because nothing much is familiar to me or makes sense some days. Had I not had my surgery it was a "death sentence" but what I ended up with still seems like a death sentence in a way: the part of my I've always knows died during the surgery. I want the "ME" I knew, back!!!! Do we ever get to return to the people we were, or just have to learn to deal with this other stranger I came home with.
Do you get overwhelmed with even the most mundane activities or issues. My ability to deal with things as they come along has suffered greatly and I wonder if I will ever be able to make a decision and know it's the right one.
I can't sleep much any more and wander the house all night doing crazy things and wonder if I've lost my mind or it is still recovering from surgery and I won't remember any of it until my family asks "why were you painting at 4:30 a.m. and what is it you were painting? lol most times I don't even remember doing any of that. People and places still look really foreign and unreal to me. Would love to hear from any of you that are having issues too and whether you think you will be able to work through them.
Thank God for all of you here! I was at the end of my rope -- sat and tried to think of why I really needed/wanted to get through another day like this!
Let me know if you ever find that portal! I keep saying "I know I'm in the Twilight Zone and something creepy is happening". But I understand your thought, I live in one world and everyone else lives in another where things make sense, things aren't disconnected and you don't fall constantly from being dizzy; where days you don't have a massive migraine are a reason for throwing a party! lol I just wanna find my way back home.
I am starting to feel the same way. I of course am blaming myself for wanting attention. I had a 12mm that was clipped on June 19th and ruptured during surgery causing stroke. I had so much attention and so many people caring and concerned and all that attention is gone now. I liked being spoiled. I haven't had a break down yet but some days I feel it coming. Anti seizure meds and they all have an anti depressant in them. I should be the happiest person on earth. I find it comforting to find this site and others. I can't get my 14 yr old to talk about it other than he says it was awful and stressful and I have no idea. Lately he seems like he wants to forget and not talk or acknowledge that it happened and I have a few deficits. I spend more time here than on facebook. Wish I was near you and as i say that - I'm not sure where you are located. Anywhere near Michigan?
I have just started back to work and stuggling with my duties, learning new stuff that should be easier than wh at I did for 12 years before this. I have to do it or I feel like it I have lost.
Hi Jennifer,
I feel the same.
My rupture was on february,2009, first coiled and one year later I get the PED stent.
I was really lucky I fully recovery myself and I came back to a normal life.
Everyday I still feel the same, in my understanding the other (normal ) people cannot understand our feeling… Because they did not survive…that’s life.
Take your time the recovery is quite a bIg and intensive job and take care of you.
Giovanni
I have had the same feelings, similar problems too. This website is very supportive and helpful. You are not alone, I think your family and friends are waiting to hear your feelings and more than willing to listen.
I am in the same boat and feeling like I am reaching my breaking point with work and family. Well some family, mostly work. I cant multi-task like i used to and I am sick and tired of feeling tired. My attention is all gone as well :( My rupture was in July. I am also confused, why me, why am I so annoyed at everything, Arg :(. They act sometimes like it never happened. Hang in there, we are all in this together!
You are so lucky that you are survived and fully recovered. Do you know that this is so unusuall at 21 years old? My stepdaughter was 22, when this happened to her, but she is not so lucky, almost 2 years later, she is still recovering, she just started to speak a little bit. She still should go thru the surgery on one of her arm, she can not walk. I think you should not forget what happened to you and you can help others to understand what you was feeling and come through. To actual survivors and to their relatives and caregivers. We all looking for answers how to deal and help this people. Your experience is very important and valuable for us. It should be a huge part of your life.
To be confused is absolutely normal. I think all of us survivors are going through this. I have and had my emotional roller coasters but we should never forget how lucky we are to be still here. I was as fortunate as you that I don't have any deficits and recovering well so far. You are so young! and I thought I was so young having an aneurysm and I am 39. :-) You still have your whole life to live! You need to move forward but you should never forget how fortunate you were. It is a huge part of your life. But don't let that stop you to live your life!
Many of us feel the same. To often if some people think you may not be here tomorrow they are so loving and when we do survive, & feel better then they go back to their old self-centered ways. This can be true with any type of health issue.
Also if the health issue is not a visible external condition some people do not understand and what they don't see they don't concern themselves with. In aneurysm treatments the longterm problems just are not understood unless they are severe and debilitating.
People here are supportive and understand fully what we are experiencing. They have walked in our shoes at some point also.
Keep your chin up and know that good things will happen in your life. You are young and have so much time ahead to focus on yourself and what is and should be important. Don't waste time on those that don't care. You will only make yourself less healthy. Smile and move on. We can't make people feel differently if its not there longterm. Jeanne
I don’t have a local support group to physically attend either, and that’s hard. But this site helps. It reminds me I’m not alone, my feelings are valid, and my experiences are very real. I agree that after a time, when you may seem better on the outside, people “forget” your ordeal. They simply can’t or don’t understand. You can explain it, but it still may not sink in. Some things simply must be experienced to be understood. Please come here often, and just tell it like it is for you. Because whether it was like that for someone else or not, it was real for you. And for the record, what you went through was nothing short of a miracle (your recovery I mean). You could have died, much less had lasting effects. Some here have. We all have a different experience, and for each of us it was hard. But we all can feel each others pain and agree that it’s an awful diagnosis, and it’s altogether impossible to put into words emotionally most days. What you feel is normal, and you are NOT alone.