My mom had a subarachnoid hemorrhage in 1965 when she was 25, five years before I was born. She'd mentioned it to me once, the same way she might have asked me to pass the salt. I did not even know what it meant to have survived one.
Looking back I'd always known something was wrong. The behavior was crazy making. I felt like I was the mom- and she was the child, and it was not until almost three years ago now, after almost 40 years of being in the dark, that her brain injury was finally revealed. Putting the pieces together, I finally have some answers to the most haunting of incidents where she might completely blank out on things we'd discussed in great length, and have no memory of. Times when she would disappear- thinking she had updated us (her kids ) that she'd booked a trip months ago to visit some family. She's say " Oh, I thought I told you" or not ever being able to recall details about a story she might be telling and have her trail off in the midst of it realizing her audience was not following her. It was just subtle enough for the outside world not to take too much notice - but for those of us who lived with the day to day it was rather distressing at times. I'm wanting to share my experience with someone who can relate? I wonder if there is anyone else out there who has been raised by a parent who suffered an aneurism who could tell me what they noticed about them.. before and after. Thank you!
Hope you find some support. I didn’t realize until you wrote it down the behavioral side effects are much like those of women who suffered electric shock therapy. It is always a guessing game for a child. I’m so sorry you had to parent a parent.
How difficult to experience these things as a child without knowing the whys or wherefores, Monica. I imagine you must have very mixed emotions about your childhood. I hope understanding leads to healing for you.
My kids 13 and 19 have a mom who went thru a ruptured annie 3 years ago and they would say she is quite different. Besides her physical disabilities (mostly eye sight and dizziness/balance), she screams a lot less, is more passive, and sleeps a lot. In some ways she's more at peace and in others she is living just a small part of her former self. It's all vey strange. What is sad is that my oldest son said to me he doesn't remember Mom before the injury. To me that's a shame.
My father had a ruptured aneurysm and watching him try to accomplish simple tasks broke my heart. He went into severe depression because he could no longer work, drive, run his power saw (he loved to make things). One day I walked in on him crying because he couldn’t screw on a light switch cover. At that time the medical community didn’t deal with the psychological and emotional impact of brain surgery. My dad committed suicide because he didn’t think he would ever get better. Thirty years later I accidently discovered that I had an aneurysm, but I was the lucky one. They found it and I had coils and a stent and today I am healthy and normal… well – I’m alive and have had no side effects. I want to believe that if my dad had gotten the help he needed, he might be alive today. But who knows. Who knows the mental suffering, and the frustration of not being able to do what you use to do. I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sure it was confusing and painful. But as you said, knowing that there was a reason for her "behavior" explains a lot.
That’s a sad story. My mom passed away from her’s at 52. I have nothing to compare but just wanted to comment that I feel really bad for you or anyone that has to go through that with a parent.
I did not have a parent who had an aneurysm, but my paternal grandfather died of what has been described as a "cerebral hemorraghe. That was over 70 years ago - so it could easily have been an SAH. I had a large aneurysm which was clipped before it could rupture, though it did rupture on the operating room table. My daughter had herself checked out with an MRI, which showed nothing that looked like an aneurysm. Good question, Monica.
I know the feeling. My mom had an aneurysm in 1969, when I was five yo. At the time my sisters were 7, 3 and 1.5 yo. We were visiting family in Canada when it happened. One day I had my mom and then she was gone. She remained hospitalized in Canada for a year. My older sister and I came back home and lived with my dad, my two little sisters stayed with my aunt and uncle in Canada. She was hospitalized during my first year of school (Kindergarten). I didn't get to visit her often and when I did her head would be bandaged heavily and she wouldn't remember me. My mom's experience had profound effects on my life.
Your description of your mom's behavior and the haunting experiences are certainly mirrored by my own experiences. I blanked out most of the year my mom was hospitalized, I think I felt abandoned by everyone. After that year, my mom came home with a scar from ear to ear and a "dent" in her forehead where bone had to be cut out because there'd been an infection post-surgery. In time that dent would be filled in with a prosthetic for the forehead. My mother was forgetful, to say the least and would often lie-now I think it was easier for her to lie than to deal with the forgetfulness.
Like you, I often felt like the mom. As I take this trip down memory lane, and read what I've written, I realize it sounds a bit a like a sob story, so I've deleted most of it. We all have challenges, my mom's were primarily a result of her aneurysm, as were mine.
Now my mom is 75 yo. and in the throes of dementia. She's still in there, a happy person one minute, and a royal bitch the next. She doesn't remember asking me about the weather three times during a phone conversation. I still love my mom.
I'd be happy to chat with you more about this but hate to "air dirty laundry" in such a public forum.
Your question is curious to me, as I am a mother of two children. I discovered my aneurysm the month of my divorce. So my children were raised by me as a single mother right after my surgery (they were age 11 and 16, respectively). Since I know I am not the same person and have struggled with major depression, cognitive issues, exhaustion, I find myself wondering all the time if my issues will adversely affect my children (now age 17 and 24). When I get home tonight, I will ask my children if they would be willing to talk to you. Your examples are all too familiar!! Good luck to you.
I had a SAH almost 5 years ago. My sons and several other relatives have told me how I’ve changed. I’m almost identical to how you explained your mothers behavior.
What I can tell you is I don’t feel different though I’ve been given examples of my offbeat behavior.
I don’t realize that I’m off kilter. To me I’m “normal”. To everyone else I’m crazy. My family nor I were warned about how my way of thinking may change. My sons have been wonderful about how they "deal"with me.
I would say your mom probably didn’t even realize she was saying and/or doing strange things.
Sorry to hear what you went through! My aneurysm hemorrhaged last year and it has affected my whole family - my boys who were 10 and 13 at the time , my husband, sister and parents. I got “lucky” in that I am mostly fine except for some vision loss and I forget some things. I go to work and can take care of the kids. But emotionally I can’t “shrug off” the fear and thoughts of how much worse it could have been. I walk a fine line of explaining things to my kids, but not telling them TOO much. It was traumatizing for them to have me away and to see me bandaged. They pick up on my anxiety. But - they also do NOT take me for granted as teens often do. We are really best friends and I hope we always will be
This is such an interesting discussion. I am a SAH survivor, 2 years and have two children (5 & 7 years). I am now curious how my abilities or lack of!! Are going to challenge us in the future. I see it with my work and with my clients now. Although I have accepted my “new normal” it has it’s challenges daily. I’ll be following the feed on this discussion. Thanks for posting.
My mom recently passed away from one. Neither she or me knew of her condtion. But the last few years yes I noticed she was more spacey and yes she was different . But I didn’t think anything of it. Thought it was old age. She didn’t have an
Have any symptoms of the day it burst. Which is why she never made it to the hospital. But I can only imagine how frustrated she must of felt not knowing why she couldn’t remember what she said last week. Not know
I realize in reading all these replies how grateful I am to have found this forum. I'm going to take a stab at a collective answer: I think for any of us: what gets revealed gets healed. Meaning, it was the not knowing that was so distressing as a child. Not having the information that could help me understand that mom was impacted in a way that makes her forgetful and strange at times. I just felt very alone and confused and unequipped to deal with the mood swings- the giggling silly extreme to the weeping and confusion. Kids just want to be allowed to be kids... but sometimes life hands us things that either refine our character or that deeply hurt and will continue to "show up" until they are offered some oxygen, much like a wound. It needs air to heal. Yes, my mom lied a lot too- kept secrets. She never could keep track of them though, and now I realize it was her way of coping, or trying to cover the bases, hedge her bets to cover herself from the shame she must have felt when people reacted to her inability to recall or retrieve a word or whatever Here I am at 44 finally loving my mom for exactly who she is - and the education on the subject has made all of the difference. To those parents who have suffered - you are not to blame, no one is- it's more about educating the family and offering support as well to the families of survivors - because going through it feels a lot like someone came in and stole your mom or dad... who is this stranger now? It's an experience that has also taught me that all I have with my mom is the present moment. I'll never forget that one day we went out to lunch after going for some testing when this was all revealed she asked me: What must it have been like to grow up with me like this... boy did we both have a good cry as I told her. Then we went out to the car and she said "Thanks so much for telling me about that- even though I'll probably forget tomorrow..." It hit me then.. like, my god, all I have with her is THIS moment... tomorrow she may or may not remember and that's ok because it does not matter... what matters is this moment, right here, right now.
Not knowing she had one I got fluster with her and got annoyed easily . Now I look back I wish I was more patient. But the doctor did tell me if she lived she would of had more disability mentally. I also found out she was leaking for a long time but that night it burst. I didn’t know someone could live with a leak. Hope i sort of andwered
Hey monica, thats how I am after mine!! My uncle passed from one, but at that time nobody thought to ask any questions. He was 80 and we didn't give it another thought. Have you had an mri? I had my anne at Mayo Clinic and they were starting a study on the connection between family members before I moved. Would be interesting to see what they found out.
My fathered suffered a cerebral aneurysm when I was 4 months old and his brain injury has left him with short-term memory loss, a diminished executive function, and made him confabulation. It’s been 25 years. My mom and I are his caregivers and the “invisible” nature of his disability makes it difficult to find support, resources or talk about our story. I’ve had a hard time locating other children of people with brain injuries - thank you for sharing your story Monica!
