I don’t belong to any other support sites. Spirituality is one of the most important things that have taken me through this. People who have never been “this close to death” don’t have any idea how our lives have changed. We can’t even explain it.
Exactly. I’m so happy you said that because it’s hard to explain. I just have a personal question, were you married or in a relationship when this happened to you? If so , how did your relationship change? I only ask because my husband misses the old me and is hopeful a glimpse of that person will return. I know for me I struggle with confidence I’m not sure if you went through that. I go to therapy every two weeks which has been helping when I feel sad and don’t want to be like that around my family.
I am married. My husband has been great. I’m sure he misses the old me but that person is gone now. Sometimes I think he gets frustrated if I’ve forgotten things. That’s the short term memory loss that still hasn’t recovered. I also get tired very easily so it’s hard if we’re out at a gathering of family or friends and all of a sudden I tell him that I have to go home. That’s what is also frustrating for him especially when he’s having a good time. I used to take a “time-out” and go to another room or outside- anywhere that I can have total silence until my brain recovers from too much talking. In the past few months I haven’t been doing that. I need to remind myself that I have to return to my coping skills. It’s not fair to him to have to leave wherever we are because of my issues. Do you find that you get tired? Are you doing anything special to try and cope with your issues?
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I don’t come to the support site often and in my email i must have missed your reply. I go to therapy twice a month to help me cope and just talk about my feelings. I get tired a lot, but usually I try to push through it because I know my husband is counting on me. He believes in me, but like you I know he misses the old me. I was thinking about going to a nueropsychologist, but i’m not sure yet. I try to stay positive daily, but some days it’s really hard. Thank you for all your advice and sharing your story with me. It has helped me to have this exchange with you.
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Good Evening,
I haven’t been on here for some time now. I’m not coping with the death of my husband to well. I have a lot of friends, family and support it’s just not the same thing as having him here with me every day. I miss him more than anyone can understand. Everyone keeps saying it gets easier with time well not for me it’s getting harder. I think I was in total shock. To have someone who was on the outside healthy as can be to have this happen is unfathomable. Out of all the people I know he was the last one anyone would have thought would pass away. He was an old sole and gave whatever he had to anyone. He helped everyone always. He didn’t have much money, it was the thoughts and wisdom and knowledge he gave out.
He was always doing something for someone else. We had a close relationship, no children.
This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. At 57 years old I never imagined being alone. I planned on being with him forever. I drink a lot and he would say to me why am I wasting my time on you your going to die from your drinking. Never imagined he would one night have 2 ruptured brain aneurysm and live 23 days only to pass away.
I’m not dealing with this well maybe someone can help me through the grieving process. I’m much of a religious person and I am having a very hard time imagining never seeing him again. Everyone has their own beliefs just I think when your dead your dead. No one has come back to say hi, not that I know of.
Please any advise would be helpful.
Thank you,
Tracy Spring
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Everyone grieves differently Tracy. Some need to hang on to their grief, some deny it, some just stay angry. But everyone needs to work through it whether or not they have religious beliefs of death. We had a wonderful neighbor whose wife of around 50 years passed quite suddenly due to a blood clot last year. Slowly he began doing more chores as he’s able. He fell through a commercial roof inspecting it. So his wife did the vacuuming, mopping etc., she did all the cooking too. At first he just let things go and he would eat microwave food. He didn’t much care for food friends brought over those first couple of months. Then he started to go get a meal at a diner and bring it back home to eat. He’d get mad whenever anyone called or came over. But now he’s cleaning the house and taking some pride in it. He’s talking to others and when we talk, he still misses his wife. Last week he said it was hard without her but he imagines it will stay hard until it’s his time. He just thought he would go before her.
There isn’t a magic wand we can wave to help us through our grief. We just take one day at a time, one hour a day. For me, I like to recall funny moments. We can have all the friends in the world but if they haven’t dealt with loss, they have no skill sets to offer. Please touch base with a grief counselor, they will be able to offer you ways to help. They aren’t your friend, so if you need to give them what for, it’s okay. They won’t get tired of the tears like some folks do. Most importantly, they won’t tell you to “just get over it”.
I can tell you that alcohol will only make things worse, not better. It’s a depressant. I’ve seen many members of my family turn to alcohol on both sides. My brother died from drinking 20 years ago this year. All I’ve seen it do is give an excuse for hiding from our feelings. When my brother decided to get help, they found he was already in Stage 4 esophageal cancer. It sucked. Please take Tony’s advice and slow down. Sorry to be on the bandstand about alcohol.