Hoping for a little advice again. My mum who is 65 has made brilliant progress so far after a burst aneurysm.This happened 10 weeks ago. She is able to walk, talk and do some everyday tasks by herself . However this feeling of hopelessness and sadness wont seem to leave her. She can hold conversations but then within a few minutes has forgotten everything and continually bursts into tears. She says she wants to come home but the rehabiltation team say she is not ready yet. Has anybody any words of advice or wisdom so I can help settle mum. I am there everyday and I sometimes feel helpless and pained that I cant help my mum.
I'm no expert on this; I only know how I handle those same feelings after my own rupture.
A serious trauma has affected your mum. A lot of the sadness and hopelessness is part of grieving for the "normal" person who isn't quite there anymore. Even though she may look, act, and sound very much the same as before, there is a sense of not really BEING the same, and that is a difficult concept to handle. Also, she had 65 years of being a certain way, and now she has to quickly adapt to being someone who has some differences that she doesn't have 65 years of experience being.
I myself had great therapists and psychologists, but it took my health insurance carrier 3 years to refer to me to a team of traumatic brain injury specialists who helped me work through this grief, anger, frustration and sadness for my loss. They focused on helping me build new coping skills quickly - which wasn't really the focus of my original neuropsychologist. Had my original therapists helped me process the grief, frustration and PTSD, I think I could have been here years ago. Those TBI specialists are a great asset and I wish all aneurysm survivors were referred to them.
If you want to share an inspiring story with her - and to help you understand the trauma that she is going through, I recommend reading My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor, PhD. It's a combination of comforting and horrifying about what this is truly like.
Please tell your Mum to take each minute at a time. First, she is here!!! Second, she is progressing, next, we are here supporting her the entire way!!! We have been there too. Each of us in different ways have been there. She is not alone. We are crying with her too in support. Our tears are tears of support!! Okay? I am 54 years old, my burst aneurysms happened on March 18, 2013, I was 52 years old. It was very difficult to learn to walk and talk again. Remembering is difficult too. Does she have any numbness in either hands? If she can write have her journel. It really helped me remember things. Kind of like the movie "50 First Dates". Don't laugh it really helped LOL!!!! My husband is so happy that I did remember him but I would forget things over and over again. Please again, tell her she is not alone!!! I hope this helps, we love you all, Kim
Have you tried prayer? Involving your mother, of course. I was Baptized, Confirmed and received First Communion and Anointing of the Sick three days prior to my surgery. In other words, I was ready. Your mother may not be Catholic, but all denominations offer some sort of help. A visit from a clergyman might be very helpful to your mum. I will pray for her, and I know others will. It was a great comfort to me to learn that a friend had Mass intentions for me in the Philippines. When I was in the hospital, my wife prayed to St. Jude for my recovery. This was about fifteen years ago, and I was 58 when I had my surgery. God bless you, and save you.
I, too had gone to a therapist for over three years. She was not trained in TBI; however, she did help me deal with many unresolved issues and helped me see and accept the new "Me". You do go through the same steps as in grief; however, it is for yourself you grieve. I needed to let go of the old and accept and learn to love the new me. Not always an easy endeavor when you find you are so different. I was 52, and an executive when I had the aneurysm. The new woman was so different. My grandsons were further along in speech and math than I was and they were toddlers! Now that is a rude awaken
If I had any advice to give, it would be this. Your mom should concentrate on one day at a time, and one new challenge at a time. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say to myself-okay, brain, we are going to see what you can do. I felt like I was talking to a racing car, challenging it to go faster and further each day. I would not, nor do I now, accept that with determination, I could not do things I wish to do. Yes, I also had to accept that some things may never be done again, like walking up a curb independently. However, with a cane and a lending arm from someone, I can do that. I learned from a friend, that I am not 'disabled' only 'differently abled'. I am a unique being endowed with a multitude of things that can be accomplished, if I so chose. Work hard, but give yourself time to rest as well. Getting over a traumatic event such as what occurred to her is hard work and seemingly does not have an end in sight.
If anything, you quickly learn that in a blink of an eye, life can change and even end. That is true for us all. So, I have learned that each moment is precious and not to be wasted. Your mother is alive. Yes, different, but alive and from what you describe able to do many things. Have her focus on that and keep building toward a new tomorrow.
Hi Mel, it sounds like you are doing all the right things and being a lovely daughter to your mum.
It took me a good 12 months after my ruptured aneurysms and coiling to really process my emotions and get my head around it all. The worst times were at night when the scariest emotions would surface and nobody else was around to talk sense to me in my overtired upset world. It does improve hugely but it is a life changing experience and one that tests your thoughts on your own mortality. It’s also tough for the family, sometimes tougher, so give yourself a pat on the back and hang on in there. Your mum really needs your love and reassurance at the moment. All the best, Kim x
I had my bleed 12 years ago in November, like your mum I went through waves of despair and sadness and I have to say still do from time to time but as time went on and I started to regain my confidence I started to think how lucky I was to still be here knowing that a lot of people don’t survive or if do are seriously impaired. I was 44 when I had my bleed and made a very good recovery, two years later I relocated gave up my very stressful business and retrained as a dog groomer which was the best thing I ever did and probably would never had done unless this had happend, I now run a very successful dog grooming parlour. Tell your mum it will get better, you do change in the way you think but it’s all about onfidence remember its the brain that has had the trauma but it’s a wonderful thing. I wish her all the best and I’m here if you or she would like to talk more. Good luck it will get better I promise x Arlene
Well that did not come out right. My sadness is when the kids go home n hubby is back driving tractor trailer. My doc added a depression pill it helps. Keep up the good work. I had 5 of 5 coiled n stinted
I also never knew how many of us survived, until I found this site. Show your mum this she is not alone even when you r not at her side. Plenty of us are hear to talk
Thank you barb your words are so comforting. You have gave me reassurance x
Barb said:
It's still too early for the feeling of hopelessness and sadness to really dissipate. Just be there and love her unconditionally...you cannot fix her hopelessness or sadness. Let her work this out on her own. We all want to fix other's problems because we feel so helpless. She just needs you to be present and a listener, nothing more. She will hopefully come around and if not, she will likely need psychotherapy.
You are a good and loving daughter and that is all she needs!! Spoken from a mom with a coiled aneurysm and has two grown up kids, one being a daughter.
Thank you so much you have really helped me put things in perspective x
Holly Springer said:
Hi Mel,
I agree with everything that Lish relayed to you.
I, too had gone to a therapist for over three years. She was not trained in TBI; however, she did help me deal with many unresolved issues and helped me see and accept the new "Me". You do go through the same steps as in grief; however, it is for yourself you grieve. I needed to let go of the old and accept and learn to love the new me. Not always an easy endeavor when you find you are so different. I was 52, and an executive when I had the aneurysm. The new woman was so different. My grandsons were further along in speech and math than I was and they were toddlers! Now that is a rude awaken
If I had any advice to give, it would be this. Your mom should concentrate on one day at a time, and one new challenge at a time. I would look in the mirror in the morning and say to myself-okay, brain, we are going to see what you can do. I felt like I was talking to a racing car, challenging it to go faster and further each day. I would not, nor do I now, accept that with determination, I could not do things I wish to do. Yes, I also had to accept that some things may never be done again, like walking up a curb independently. However, with a cane and a lending arm from someone, I can do that. I learned from a friend, that I am not 'disabled' only 'differently abled'. I am a unique being endowed with a multitude of things that can be accomplished, if I so chose. Work hard, but give yourself time to rest as well. Getting over a traumatic event such as what occurred to her is hard work and seemingly does not have an end in sight.
If anything, you quickly learn that in a blink of an eye, life can change and even end. That is true for us all. So, I have learned that each moment is precious and not to be wasted. Your mother is alive. Yes, different, but alive and from what you describe able to do many things. Have her focus on that and keep building toward a new tomorrow.
Please tell your Mum to take each minute at a time. First, she is here!!! Second, she is progressing, next, we are here supporting her the entire way!!! We have been there too. Each of us in different ways have been there. She is not alone. We are crying with her too in support. Our tears are tears of support!! Okay? I am 54 years old, my burst aneurysms happened on March 18, 2013, I was 52 years old. It was very difficult to learn to walk and talk again. Remembering is difficult too. Does she have any numbness in either hands? If she can write have her journel. It really helped me remember things. Kind of like the movie "50 First Dates". Don't laugh it really helped LOL!!!! My husband is so happy that I did remember him but I would forget things over and over again. Please again, tell her she is not alone!!! I hope this helps, we love you all, Kim
Thank you so much for your reassuring words Arlene x
Arlene McGann said:
I had my bleed 12 years ago in November, like your mum I went through waves of despair and sadness and I have to say still do from time to time but as time went on and I started to regain my confidence I started to think how lucky I was to still be here knowing that a lot of people don't survive or if do are seriously impaired. I was 44 when I had my bleed and made a very good recovery, two years later I relocated gave up my very stressful business and retrained as a dog groomer which was the best thing I ever did and probably would never had done unless this had happend, I now run a very successful dog grooming parlour. Tell your mum it will get better, you do change in the way you think but it's all about onfidence remember its the brain that has had the trauma but it's a wonderful thing. I wish her all the best and I'm here if you or she would like to talk more. Good luck it will get better I promise x Arlene
It takes awhile to heal. I remember telling the minister’s wife about it…on a trip to the grocery store… I told her I’d lost all faith and, no, I didn’t want to talk to her husband. 10 years later… I now do feel I am blessed… I got a second chance, had wonderful doctors…anyway, my outlook completely reversed. Tell her to put a smile on her face…not easy when you’ve felt you got served a lousy lot in life. But smiling helps…others will smile and not get the worried look that will just make you burst in tears… Besides…crying gives you headaches…
This is pretty common, and you may not change this issue....she is grieving what has happened to her. My husband had his brain bleeding stroke more than 2 years ago, and we both experience those feelings from time to time. It sounds as if your mom is doing pretty well, all things considered. My husband can do very few things by himself. His left side does not work at all. So he dislikes that feeling of dependency and helplessness.
Here's wishing both you and your mom a bright future! We keep trying to look at the blessings and good things, as much as possible!
I too had a massive rupture over five years ago. I lost a very lucrative job and after rehab felt lost, alone and hopeless. I had to find doctors to treat my anxiety, pain and depression. Finally, Delaware started its own BAF group. The support really helped me realize I wasn’t the only one out there with feelings of sadness, fear and pain. We meet and handle things together. You should look for a group meeting.
Hi Mel, I agree with Barb’s comments on letting your Mum go through the healing process, this will take time. Each person recovery and healing journey is different. It’s good that you are there for your Mum and that you are trying to work through this as well being her daughter. Sometime we forget that our love ones has been traumatized by the sudden illness as well, and feel hopeless in caring for us. They also, have to adjust to the “new” Mum or family member affected by the aneurysm. One piece of advice was given to me regarding caring for our love ones facing health challenges, " learn to dance with them", understanding of the situation as it evolves differently each day, will take time, so learn to dance with them as the healing runs it’s course. I am 64 and had an un ruptured aneurysm at age 61, which left me legally blind after getting clipped. Yes, my little perfect world was turned upside down, as a project engineer with a great career, I had to retire early. My level of sadness escalated and major adjustments had to be made my me and family for my physical and emotional well being. I was blessed to have mobility but the loss of vision was super traumatic for me to work through. But I would not and could not give up on living, I had to learn a “new” dance to the old and some new music of life, as well as my family. I am still learning new steps to dance with myself and others, my health issues are still challenging but I am over-coming them by focusing on living to the best of my God given abilities, even though there maybe tears on my pillow on any day triggered by an event. Just “dance” with your Mum as she recover. Finally, seek support from family, close friends or spiritual community, as her daughter, you need encouragement and reassurance that your Mum is going to be fine.
Your Mum has been thru a life changing event. You can expect for a really long time, she will be dealing with the overwhelming anxiety of "I almost died"....as a daily, all day long, issue. No matter how old you are, it is an absolutely terrifying thing and it takes a lot of time to get past the thoughts creeping into your mind every day whenever it wants to. For me right now, it is anti-depressants that help me to forget (and live) and not have anxiety that leaves me crying like a baby. The other thing that helped was having a special "prayer" blanket for when I was by myself. Hopelessness breeds when you are alone and this blanket allowed me to wrap myself up in love and hope and then I ask for God's healing touch.
Truly getting beyond the mountain of feelings will involve praying and distraction.
So get a special blankey for her for when she is by herself and tell her everyday that you love her, that she is beautiful and that she is strong. She also needs to hear that you are strong, just so she doesn't have that to worry about too.
Good luck and my God's healing grace be with you both during this little rough patch.
after 4 1/2 years I still forget things....it is probably part of the aneurym ..mine also burst...she is doing much better than I did....great for her...tell her don't worry..it is an uphill battle....thinking and praying for her
