I'm not sure where to post this

[DickD]

Kim,

I’ve followed what you’ve been saying for a couple of days and trying to work out what I might say that might help a little. I’m a bloke, so I feel it’s difficult for me to suggest things, and I don’t have any direct comparable experience.

I do like @ModSupport Merl’s comments on another thread about his line of thinking when he was going through a similarly tough time as your husband.

@ModSupport

I told my wife, if she wanted me to leave, I understood and I would go. In my view: This was my battle, my load, not her’s. She didn’t sign up for all of this. I didn’t think it was fair on her to have to deal with me, to feel obligated. I was removing any sense of obligation. That was my intent. Now, how I put that across in my ‘fogged mind state’ was destructive, almost matter-of-fact like ie ‘I’ll just pack my bags then…’ She was annoyed with me, not because of what I said, but the way I’d put it across.

I also love the fact that while it’s as tough a situation as it can get, really, you’re still trying to hang in there. I was reading it very much like Kellie that the optimism that is clear in your posts back in January and earlier had worn off completely, so it’s great to hear that you’re still hanging on but it does sound much more difficult. You do sound very worn down.

So what can I say that I hope might help?

@Tenged

I spoke with 2 individual therapists and based on my experience of the abuses, they also feel like he’d benefit from some individual counseling to start.

This is the bit that struck me. While I’m sure it is right, I guess the thought I’ve had is to work towards this rather than insisting that it’s done in what is clearly “the right order”. I’m no expert in these things so I might be talking rubbish but for some people, the realisation that something else needs to be done only comes from trying the thing they want to do (and realising that’s not the way). My son’s primary school teacher made exactly this point about my son age 7: “You can’t tell him X won’t work. He has to discover it for himself.” And as parents we already knew that he was awful at listening to advice! So that was very informative to us.

My thought, therefore, is to take the imperfect route and do some work together, be patient about it (and I think we can all see how painful this is, so I’m not sure who would have the patience required, if I’m honest) and maybe that’ll lead him, a bit slower than you’d like, to get there.

It’s a fantastic thing that you’re holding on. It’s clearly hard. It also sounds good that you’re having some counselling support yourself.

Hoping the best,

Richard