Hi! I just wanted to see if any of you have lost any friends since you were sick all the time before your aneurysm was detected or after your aneurysm surgery? I have lost a lot of friends because they all thought I was making up my headaches and not feeling well! Even before my aneurysm was found and I was very sick for over a year and going to the doctors to find out what was wrong with me - they kept saying I was making it up or I was exaggerating. I knew I was not making it up because I had so many things happening and then when I finally went to my Neurologist with a list of what had been happening to me and saying....please help me find what is making all these things happen...he found the aneurysm. So it was like a relief that I finally knew what was causing all these symptoms and I was having the "warning leaks" that my aneurysm was about to burst. It is sad to say I felt relief that I knew what it was but it was like I wanted to be able to tell these so called friends...see, I told you I was not making it up. Then I had one friend that called....not to see how my 1st surgery went...or how I was doing...but did I want to go to a bar to have dinner and drinks with her and I was like...are you crazy - I just had brain surgery and I need to have a little bit of recovery time! I was so upset that she never called before my surgery or after but she got mad when I said no I would not go to dinner and have drinks with her! We are not friends anymore. Then a long time friend got mad because I can't see at night to drive and she was in town and I could not get there because I could not drive that far at night and she got mad and said I was using that as an excuse and I was like...I am not.....I barely drive at night unless it is to a close by grocery store or Walgreens.
It just makes me so sad that I had all these friends and now I don't have them anymore but I am not the same person! I can't go and do a lot of the things I could do and they don't get it and so now we never talk. I got tired of always trying to defend myself and say....look it up...this is really true and happening to me. I can't do some of these things we used to do so you guys can come see me or I can go out during the day close by my house (but not right after I have brain surgery).
I don't know, it is just so upsetting because they don't get it and I am not trying to sound like...oh, poor me....I just feel so sad and lonely because they have no idea how this impacts your life and how I get headaches all the time and I still have my migraines I have always had and I can't see at night because the aneurysm is right behind my right eye and messed up my vision so I like to do things in the daylight. They just don't get it and think I am making up excuses but I am not. Now they are gone. My friends just got mad that I would not go do the things we used to do but they didn't make an effort to do the things I could do. So, I just feel sad and lonely. But I know I am truly blessed that my leaking aneurysm was caught before it burst and that I had two brain surgeries to have my aneurysm coiled. I am truly blessed and I thank God every day!
Courtney, it’s very difficult to deal with life changes that can redefine who our friends are. Have you any support group near you that you can interact with, perhaps a therapist, minister, someone you can just talk to? You will get support here, but sometimes it helps to have a face to face talk with someone.
Courtney that is just so terrible your friends do not understand but I think unfortunately it’s one of those things that are common when you have an “invisible” injury. It’s hard enough to deal with and understand all the changes yourself. When I had my second coiling my brother in law said he was going to stop by my house a couple days after to visit and says, “I mean you’re gonna be able to talk and everything by then right?” Well I said don’t visit. Not in that way but wtf? I cant say how I’ll feel but I felt he was dismissing the seriousness of it all and made me realize that it was his fear that was making him uneasy. He didn’t know how to deal with it. Your friends probably don’t know how to deal with it either so they go back to what was because they are more comfortable that way not realizing how hurtful it could be to you. Fear is a terrible thing. You ARE blessed your aneurysm was treated and you are on your recovery journey. It will slowly get better and you will discover some new friends along the way. Come to this site often as you need. There are many kind and caring people here to listen to you and help any way they can.
Thank you very much Moltroub. Yes, I have people that I can talk to but they don't get it. So I was just wondering if anyone on the site was having the same issue with their friends. It just gets to me once in awhile because I had these friends for years and now they are gone. I don't think about it every day but I do miss them. Thank you Moltroub!
Moltroub said:
Courtney, it's very difficult to deal with life changes that can redefine who our friends are. Have you any support group near you that you can interact with, perhaps a therapist, minister, someone you can just talk to? You will get support here, but sometimes it helps to have a face to face talk with someone.
Hi Wendy, thank you for your e-mail. I know what you mean but it isn't fear with them. They made it perfectly clear that "oh, now besides you having migraines all the time, now you have aneurysm headaches....oh, ok!". And for my second coiling they never called to see if I even made it through my surgery or if I was okay so I know with them....they just think I am faking my headaches and things like that. So I understand what you mean and I do have some friends that had the fear and we figured it out and talked and all that but most of my friends are gone. Then my family says...don't focus on the negative...just get better. So I never get to talk about what happened. Nobody understands and I had to change my line of work and find new work and now my friends are gone and it is just lonely sometimes. I don't get upset every day...just sometimes. Thank you very much Wendy. I really appreciate it!
Wendy said:
Courtney that is just so terrible your friends do not understand but I think unfortunately it's one of those things that are common when you have an "invisible" injury. It's hard enough to deal with and understand all the changes yourself. When I had my second coiling my brother in law said he was going to stop by my house a couple days after to visit and says, "I mean you're gonna be able to talk and everything by then right?" Well I said don't visit. Not in that way but wtf? I cant say how I'll feel but I felt he was dismissing the seriousness of it all and made me realize that it was his fear that was making him uneasy. He didn't know how to deal with it. Your friends probably don't know how to deal with it either so they go back to what was because they are more comfortable that way not realizing how hurtful it could be to you. Fear is a terrible thing. You ARE blessed your aneurysm was treated and you are on your recovery journey. It will slowly get better and you will discover some new friends along the way. Come to this site often as you need. There are many kind and caring people here to listen to you and help any way they can.
Courtney you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I know you will be determined in your recovery and will make a lot of friends along the way. I understand not having anyone to talk to about it. I’ve tried to explain my situation and no sooner do I start then I’ll be interrupted with, “yeah but when I had such and such…” to turn the conversation to them. So perhaps it’s a jealousy thing with your friends which probably sounds weird but happens too and speaking of families, I haven’t heard from most of my family to even just say hello let alone ask how I’m doing. When I told my mother a lot of people were calling me a miracle girl she said, “well someone had to. There is always someone that survives”. Yea, thanks mom. I have to laugh about it now but I admit it hurt. I’m going to have to find new work too. I’d be interested in how you decided what direction to go in. Well enough about me. Just know you are in my thoughts!
For me, I can literally count the friends I have on one hand. And there are people here on site that feel like they have always been a part of my life. Associates are a different matter. My friends are still scared almost one year out from my rupture. But they understand my limitations, like driving, sound, lights. Well you get what I mean… I don’t hear from associates. When I see them, they don’t know how to act. I believe it scares them too. It’s almost like having cancer when it was considered taboo to discuss and everyone would act like it was contagious. It helps to know what “friend” is for you. It helps to know how you want to expend your energy. I don’t have a never ending supply of energy any more, so I am learning to use it wisely.
It’s so nice to know it’s just not my friends and family. I think calling it invisible is perfect. We look the same on the outside, but are forever changed on the inside. We are all very blessed indeed.
I am so sorry Courtney, I read a great quote which I cannot find or recall the author but it went like this- we never lose friends really- they weren't our friends to begin with, just aquantences, hoping things get better, tc xoxo
Aww Courtney..as I was reading your story mine pretty much was the same as you. I was sick for a long time and I went to the doctors numerous times, the ER, etc. I was working and so sick I could not beleive it and doctors and said sinus, migraine, flu. I was beside myself because I knew something was very wrong. Unfortunately mine burst and was leaking when a ER doc thought he saw something. Thank the Lord. So yes everyone thought I was full of it, it was not a good feeling. Also, during thistime I really did find out who my friends were and it sure wasnt my family. Really no one. I am a single mom and at the time my kids were 14,11 and 9. They are the ones who helped me through this. Held me when I cried for hours, helped me shower, everything. I want to give you the advice they gave me. Dont let this issue or the people who arent here make you a statistic. Show them what your made of... I did! Courtney, not everyone is a friend and those who are , keep them close!
That is so true. Eventually you look the same but you are a different person inside. Its tough for people to get that!
brenda currence said:
It's so nice to know it's just not my friends and family. I think calling it invisible is perfect. We look the same on the outside, but are forever changed on the inside. We are all very blessed indeed.