Feel like screaming!

General personal-stories
1

Did you ever just feel like standing in the middle of nowhere and screaming your head off to get someone to listen to you? Why is it that only people who have experienced annies understand what is going on? Why do doctors have to brush you off like you're imagining things happening? Why am feeling so lonely in this daily fight for my life??? I shouldn't complain my annie was found and fixed right? So what I have a small annie that is ticking every single day in my head, I shouldn't complain right? It's not like my annie ruptured like some of the stories I have read so I shouldn't complain right? Sometimes I feel like I have no right to feel the way I do becuase I don't even have a scar to prove I even had surgery. ArrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhWhy do I want to scream, ok everyone shut the hell up and for one minute listen to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rant over, thanks for letting me get that out.

Linda

2

i hear ur rant n raves but what is it you want them to hear hunny? its hard to find a dr to feel what ur feeling because they deal w/other people n the same condition…maybe theycan give u something for anxiety so ur not dwelling on the 2nd anny day in n dayout…i hope ur able to find some relief…also a good scream or cry doesnt hurt anyone to get those frustrations out…God bless n mucho hugs coming ur way

3

Rant Away sweetie...!

It takes time to heal...and understand your "new normal"...

Cyber ~ hugs your way...Colleen

4

Thanks Jim, that really makes me feel good knowing that you can live with an annie. I am hoping that I can someday get to your point where I don't think about it anymore!!!

Best wishes,

Linda

5

Michelle, I just want them to hear me and not pretend like I'm imaging things going on in my head. I just was feeling down this morning and felt like screaming. I do have my times of crying and screaming to get it all out! Thanks for listening to my rants.

God bless you and thank you for the mucho hugs... and right back to you!!

Linda

6

Thanks Colleen!!!! Sometimes I just need to let loose. This morning was one of those times!

Cyber hugs right back atcha!!

Linda

7

Sometimes I think this should be barant.org! Go for it you’re entitled. My surgery was clipping for an unruptured aneurysm and I have felt like I didn’t “belong” here but you know what? We are both still survivors and even if it doesn’t show on the inside we will NEVER be the same as before. And proud of it too! Of course because I had clipping I have a kick ass scar to show for it. The right after surgery photo is on my profile page. Scary stuff. :slight_smile:

8

Hey Linda,

It's ok to feel that way at times, we all have those days and even weeks.

Let me tell you a little story. I have had 4 operations in 9 months plus horrible reactions to antibiotics, my 3rd operation was to remove my skull bone on half my forehead and coming down the side of my face next to my eye.

2 weeks ago was my 4 operation to give me back a skull bone. I happen to be put in a room after I came out of icu with a 28 year old girl that had a rupture in May. This girl has two very young children ages 1 & 4. She got an infection after her clipping and ended up having a part of her skull removed, she was so bitter about it. We talked about both of our experiences and the question she always asked me was why I am not so angry and bitter. My reply was what's the pointe! This horrible thing has happened to us for some reason that NO ONE can explain. What's the pointe to live being so angry and bitter it's just going to make life that much harder. I told her it's ok to have bad days and it's even ok to have a whole week where your feeling angry but DON'T let it take over your life. Look at yourself everyday first thing in the morning and tell youself that it's ok, it's going to alright, smile and walk away from the mirror.

I looked at myself every morning and told myself that I am cute even if I do have a ditch in my head. Yesterday I looked at myself and said "you are the most beautiful person in the world today"!

Have your bad days, allow yourself to feel like you want to scream. Don't let this take you (Linda) over. Be stronger then that!

Many thoughts and *hugs*

Kimberley

9

Hi Linda: I know what you mean about the watch and wait crap. There’s no guarantee those little buggers won’t blow and yet we’re told to forget about it. I thought I was fine with the whole thing until my 6month check. The doc offering me surgery, leaving it up to me and telling me the reality is he can’t guarantee it won’t rupture…really brought it all back again. I’m trying to settle down again but it’s taking a while. I haven’t even had coils so I REALLY don’t feel I have a right to complain. I’m going to get another opinion but cannot get my docs office to even call me back. I need a referral to get 2nd opinion. EEEK. I want to try to put this away and behind me and I never want to think about it again. I know that’s not realistic and certainly not for most on this site. I do feel fortunate every day that I don’t have it as bad as many here but that doesn’t completely relieve me of the stress. I guess we have to go through the stages of dealing with it to get to a better place. I wish you luck and vent all you want, this is the place to do it!!!

10

thank you, desperately!!!! i'm in a situation that , even to "the real world" seems surreal..... i'm recently separated from my husband, who knew about my "SITUATION" before we married..... now, am in debt up to the heavens, am alone, have no family, and the only friend i have----TRUE friend, is moving out of state. cannot get a dr., as i'm below 150% poverty level, no help from the state, as new laws passed, IF I DO NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN, I'M INELIGIBLE" FOR ANY HELP. I'M PETRIFIED to meet new people, need a dr, as the cocktail i was on in a different state, from a pain specialist, no one will help, and this is almost 5 months going on. yes,----- i'll scream with you!!!! i've written congress, and senate, and the vice president, as he , too, has had a brain anyeurysm---- his wife is a dr., when do we get the help and care we need????? my memory is shot, and i am borderline at the ppoint of not leaving my house.

9 moves in 5/5 years, and part of the reason i haven't logged in the past week , is pure , sheer , fear.

of what you guys may think, of what i have to deal with, with no financial resources, no family or friends, and i'm scared------ and THAT is something i am ABSOLUTELY not used to.

before all of this, i traveled cross country, both on harley's and hitch hiking, i've been bull riding, 3 x's, worked my entire life, and now, am broke, cannot afford clothes, food, and medical----- if anyone knows of where to get help, i'm wide open, as soon---- i may be totally without anything, or anyone.

it's not a pity party, 'm just statinfg the facts---and they are not pretty.

i thank God for all of you that have a mate/family, that actually knows and understands what you are going through, like i said, i was/am petrified of all of this......

thanks for listening, and hope /pray you're all having a WAAAAAY better time than i have, since my surgery.....

even though i don't know all of your names, my thoughts and positive believing is with every one of you

mary-anne

11

Mary-Anne I understand how stressful it can be. I also am in debt up to my eyeballs and I lost my insurance 2 months post-op. I was able to get my 3 month check up but have not been back since due to lack of finances, I also am not state qualified for help, and am starting to get very nervous about not having been properly checked up on or being on meds. I have started showing symptoms again and know I need to get in but have no way possible to get the help I need. If you are able to get the referral Mayo Clinic may be able to take you on. That's the route I am trying to go, I have a patient number from Mayo Clinic but can't be seen without the referral. It can be very frustrating.

I myself am new to this site and wish I would have known about it when my journey started but am glad to have found it now, and hope to make alot of friendships with others who can understand what I am going through and what I have been through.

Please don't hesitate to get on here if you need someone to talk to, you don't have to be alone through all of this we are here for you, that's what this place is for.

~Cheri

12

it isn't helping, so far.......due to memory loss, nd many other thigs, life just BITES!!!!!!

in my entire life, i've been through alot------- but NOTHING measures to where i am now....as i've said, found this site, then , due to dear , and a whole lot of other things--- VERY hard to explain, ----i've never , in my life,---- thought about ending my own life-----don't believein it, plus------have the guardian angel i was given, my dog, rocco, and he , as well as everything i believe in, keeps me going, yet i just , right now , got hit with another obstacle========== am MORE THAN WILLING TO TRAID LIVES NOW........ really need hel, and please. i've already seen people, and the people who have seen my life----- they tell me, '" IF I WASN'T HERE, IWOULD NOT BELIEVE IT"

so, anything, and everything------ i need help,

$$$$, and emotional, and i'll give my #, if this is allowed, a comforting voice, and a immediate help is appreciated

always,

mary-anne

13

read your last line over, i’m not mean at all but maybe you need to be quiet and get things in order. You need to accept what is and move on, go back to your life and be happy. I was told i had mine since birth, well you aint born with one but a weak artery that leads to it and i had it for 40 yrs before it ruptured. I am sitting here thinking about the time spent thinking about it and thats time put to no use we want to move on.

14

Hi Linda,
I think to my annie - and to my PED as well - each single day !
As far as you know I come back to’ my previous life at all, hard work, gym , running, emotion , etc.
I think the annie and the PED Are part of my life, there is not any possibility to switch over.

15

thank you both, as i live all the experiences---- laurie, on the one hand, am very sorry you were born with this, it's a tragedy, to say the least. giovanni, i also appreciate your comment, as you seemed to have been in sort of the same boat i was/ am. one thing i give BOTH of you, is you have a support system, in and around you, that i do not. no one can EVER live in our shoes, although, i learned a long time ago ---- TRY!!!!!! i do not take anything said on this sight too personally, but--- i have a serious question----- how many of "us" out here, have no one to really understand , and / or know , what it is to be us???? i've said before, for all of you that have a really good family / friend support system, i'm thankful that you do. each and every one of us is different, yet a common bond---- i sit in a very weird place, no family, no real contacts/ and cannot afford to even pay dr bills, which are racking up really fast. i'm not so much complaining, as . i thought this was a place where i could say what is going on, mentally, physically, emotionally, i pray for each name i see in this website, and yes, i need help, and am struggling through the process, even 5 years ago, or so, there was /and still is, VERY little info regarding the brain------and problems when it is invaded, by surgery, or anything. did not mean ANY disrespect, i am in need of help, to survive. i'm 47 years old, and the system wants to FIND A BOX for me to fit in----- i'm too young to be old, and, according to may laws passed, if i do not have a child living with me, i DO NOT QUALIFY " for some benenfits....

i'm very, very thankful to all of you who have friends and family who can/will deal with what you are going through, or have gone through-------BUT----- not all of us have been so fortunate, or blessed.

every one of you is in my thoughts and prayers, so

signing off for now.

mary-anne

16

thank you both, as i live all the experiences---- laurie, on the one hand, am very sorry you were born with this, it's a tragedy, to say the least. giovanni, i also appreciate your comment, as you seemed to have been in sort of the same boat i was/ am. one thing i give BOTH of you, is you have a support system, in and around you, that i do not. no one can EVER live in our shoes, although, i learned a long time ago ---- TRY!!!!!! i do not take anything said on this sight too personally, but--- i have a serious question----- how many of "us" out here, have no one to really understand , and / or know , what it is to be us???? i've said before, for all of you that have a really good family / friend support system, i'm thankful that you do. each and every one of us is different, yet a common bond---- i sit in a very weird place, no family, no real contacts/ and cannot afford to even pay dr bills, which are racking up really fast. i'm not so much complaining, as . i thought this was a place where i could say what is going on, mentally, physically, emotionally, i pray for each name i see in this website, and yes, i need help, and am struggling through the process, even 5 years ago, or so, there was /and still is, VERY little info regarding the brain------and problems when it is invaded, by surgery, or anything. did not mean ANY disrespect, i am in need of help, to survive. i'm 47 years old, and the system wants to FIND A BOX for me to fit in----- i'm too young to be old, and, according to may laws passed, if i do not have a child living with me, i DO NOT QUALIFY " for some benenfits....

i'm very, very thankful to all of you who have friends and family who can/will deal with what you are going through, or have gone through-------BUT----- not all of us have been so fortunate, or blessed. but, all are in my prayers

17

Kimberley,

I’m so glad I read your post. I feel the same way you do - not bitter or angry about my “condition” but sometimes the struggles of everyday life make me forget the good things in my life. Thank you for reminding me again that yes, we should allow ourselves to feel miserable if we want to but that it should NEVER dictate how we live our lives. God bless!

18

Hi Linda,



I hope you read my post “it’s a secret”. This another reason why I PRETEND I am fully back to normal. I hate the rejection, to be accused of imagining things if even the people who should listen to you such as your doctor do not. I laughed when you said you don’t have a scar to show you underwent something major in your brain. Would it help them maybe if we were physically incapacitated before they start listening to us? I have a friend who had her gall bladder removed and made everyone know it. All the sympathy she got just because she now has a scar and she stayed in hospital for a night and is healing well. I suppose mine is nothing - hey, I only stayed 3 nights, a major organ - my brain - got disturbed a bit, had a few minor strokes, ongoing issues, aspirin for the rest of my life but all I have is a dot of a scar hidden in that part of the body that is not meant to be shown off. So how dare we feel bad or sick?!? I do not want sympathy but it helps a lot to have someone listen and understand how I feel. Anyway, all I can advise is do not give in to the negativity that you might meet during your journey. You do not owe anyone anything. If you want to vent away and it helps, do not let anyone stop you from doing so. God bless!

19

Chris,

I have not read your post, but am going to now. You get it!!!!!!!!! I can see just by your response to my ranting. You do get it!!

Thank you, what more can I say. May God bless you in your journey!

Linda

20

Thomas,

You are so right and thank you for understanding and letting me rant away. It's so comforting knowing that there are people who get it.... who get what we are going thru as we continue through our survival.

And I do like the name barant.org!!!! LOL

Best wishes,

Linda