Beginning to feel like giving up

I'm going to apologize to anyone reading this right off the bat. I'm down, depressed, still scared, still dealing with symptoms, still looking for answers. I'm tired. Tired of all of this and some days I just don't know how to rise above all this stuff. Jan 12 I see a surgeon (approx 3hrs from here). My surgeon didn't hold out much hope for intervention and said that it was very risky. He sent my images and info to 20 other surgeons and he said, "I'm going to be honest here and tell you, there will be some surgeons that wont touch this with a 10 foot pole. However, it's also very risky to leave it there". Well, within a few days, Dr.Julian Spears office called me and booked an appt and he wanted to see me as soon as possible. I thought great! He must think that he can help me or he wouldnt be wasting my time or his. I was so happy that day. I had some hope. I still feel that way but I'm getting really scared, the closer my appt gets and not knowing what to expect next Wednesday. I don't know, sorry this is so long but I really don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't even know why I wrote this. <shakes head>

I hope everyone is continuing to do well and you've been in my thoughts.

Tina

Please don't give up and never feel like you shouldn't have written something because everyone has their bad days and that is why support is so needed.

I just joined this site last night because I am struggling to deal with my mom being in recovery. I apologize for being nowhere near what you are going through but I now struggle with the fear of something more happening to my mom or someone else, including me.

We are all here for you and I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and think positive!

Sheri

Thank you Sheri for the encouragement. I sometimes feel that I have never needed this much support before. I'm the strong one in the family and here I am feeling like this. It's all very new to me and yes, you're right we do have bad days for sure.

Please dont apologize for your situation being different. As a supporter, you have a lot on your plate as well. I tend to think, maybe even more than the person going through it. Just my opinion though. Did your Mom's aneurysm rupture, or did she have surgery? Both?

Tina

It ruptured. We had no idea she had one. She has had a couple of seizures in her life so my dad thought that's all it was but she was unresponsive so he called 911 right away and she was rushed to the hospital and had surgery the next day. They did a clip on her and it worked so she spent 2 weeks in Neuro ICU then a week on the medical floor and now she is in a rehab center and has been since December 8th.

Definitely been a tough road and we know that it will continue to be but she has progressed so much that it is absolutely amazing. From being on a ventilator and practically in a coma to feeding herself and reading and walking and talking in less than 2 months is pretty incredible but she is just not herself. That is the hardest part to deal with. I am so thankful she is still with us but I miss her tremendously!

Again for you, think positive! If they are unable to do surgery for you, what are your options?

You should never apologize. I have found this site is a great place to vent…9/17/2010 I had a hemmorage and another annie which they clipped. I was at work , airlifted to the hosptial for emergency surgery. I am EXTREMLY blessed, I do not have some of the side affects others have (rehab, headaches etc.) I am walking, talking and working. I am currently not on any kind of pain or seizure med. But, this is a life altering event for ALL involved. I have good days and bad days. I was a very active person before surgery, with a fantastic ability to multi task. When I woke up in the hosptial …GONE!!! I have had a very difficult time adjusting.I have good days and bad days(today is a good one!lol) My partner is having just as difficult time. Not only does she have to deal with the memory issues, crying, anger and frustration; she also is has to greive the loss of that person before surgery. I am not the same and I never will be. She misses me, although she loves me dearly and has done nothing but care and support me, she is angry too…You are allowed to be frustrated and angry. You should not feel guilty at all. When you are feeling upset, come here to this place and vent to us, we understand. Read some of my blogs, I really vent sometimes especially when I am having a bad day. I hope your days get better, anytime you need to just write me…

If they aren't able to do surgery, I don't have any options left. I guess that means that I have to live with this and pray and hope that it doesn't rupture. Given the location and it's surrounding complications, the chance of rupture is pretty high. So I may have the decison to make whether or not to go through with the surgery, which I'm told carries a lot of risk or, leave it. It's 8mm at the moment and according to scans in the last 2 months, it hasn't gotten bigger. The Dr didn't really answer me when I asked if that was a good sign. He just said, the size is stable at the moment but that can also change within 6 months.

I found out about a month ago that I also have a tumor on the pituitary gland. I'm not too worried about that right now but I suppose it may have to be dealt with as well but it's possible that it can be treated with meds and no surgery, so that's hopeful. They've run blood work to see what it's doing and right now and it isn't causing me too much trouble. So it's the least of my worries right now.

If I'm left with a decision to make, I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that. I guess, we'll see. So far, I"ve basically been left with a lot of numbers, percentages etc and none of them sound terrific! So what do you do?? I don't know.

I'm glad that you are thinking positive and holding on to all of the great progress your Mom has been making. I know that you are grateful to still have her with you but I"m sure it's a very normal response to be missing the woman that she was, prior to this devastating event. You also need time to heal Sheri, give yourself the permission to grieve because that's what you're doing.

Hugs and thank you for listening. :-)

Tina

Thank you Georgeann. It goes without saying how sorry I am for you and your partner and what you are going through. I'm going to read some of your blogs and thank you for mentioning them. I'm not very computer savy so navigating through sites is sometimes questionable for me! lol

Thanks again for your support. It's very much appreciated. :-) You have gone through a terrifying experience and I'm very glad that you came through it all and survived. Hugs!

Tina

Thank you Becky. :-)

See, I want to say this but I dont. I sometimes feel and say to myself when I'm not having a good day, "just rupture and get it over with" because having it sitting there and not knowing from day to day what may or may not happen is stressful and it's very hard to live with every day. (The Dr has doubled my anxiety meds since starting me on them). When I get the kind of news that I"ve been receiving it only drives that feeling deeper inside. BUT then, I read what people have gone through with ruptures and I think omg, that is horrible. The fight that all of you have had to fight and then possibly living with dehabilitating affects because of it, I feel so sad to think of what people like you and so many others have gone through. Yet here I am, thinking just rupture and get it over with. I don't get it. Maybe, I want the decision made for me because this just seems impossible for me to do at the moment.

I try to remain positive, I really do. My family often tells me how well Im dealing with all of this and if they were in my shoes they don't think they could deal with it the same way. So I do try and stay strong and positive but it's starting to become too much I think. I"ll get through it, I know I will...at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Thank you Becky for caring enough to respond, it means a great deal to me. :-)

Tina

Tina,

I am truly glad you are comfortable venting your concerns, fears, anxiety. More than pleased that Dr. Spears is open to looking at more option potentials for you....that in itself says a lot.

I had three emergences in 29 days...w/leaks/ruptures; I sought testing/diagnosis immediately following the first one...My aneurysm was small, 6mm, so size, does not always control the stability, and multiple leaks/ ruptures are not always fatal...I do have numerous issues.

Tina, I think it is wonderful that Dr. Spears is taking this step with you; so pray you have family/friend to be with you...to help with questions, answers and hold your hand when needed.

Pat

Hey Tina, I sort of know what you are going through. I too had a brain aneurysm. I was scared to death.

The only thing I can tell ya is you got to put faith into your doctors.

Last feb. I was sitting at my desk and all of a sudden I started to hear my pulse up in my head.....really loud. I walked around for 2 days hoping it would go away, but then I couldn't take it any more. I went to my doctor and she sent me to have an MRI done. Like you I was scared to death. Thats when my aneurysm was found.

Ask your doctors if your aneruysm can be filled with a new thing called Onyx. Instead of using a coil, this onyx stuff is like a really thick liquid that hardens up to fill the aneurysm, like a coil does. The doctor will know your if sytem willaccept it right of way or not.

, But I can only hope and pray it helps.

HI tina I just wrote you , but I wanted to add this.......If by chance your doctor can't help, you said that you will then only have to walk around hoping it doesn't burst or leak. Well there a few things you can do...first and most important keep an eye on your blood pressure. Stay away ...or quit smoking ( if you do), my doctor also told me to take a bayer aspin 325, my doctor said that this will thin the blood through out your system.....helpin it to flow better in your brain

also if you are on birth control pills, ask if they have to mush estrogen in them. My doctor had to change the type I was taking so they can have less estrogen in them. eat more fruits & veggies.....and stay away from fatty foods.

If you exercise on a regular basis, do not over do it , cut back some.

hiya Tina.

first thing don't give up on yourself and doctors. In jan. of 08 myself and my partner had just moved down to florida and I was getting ready for work when I had a repture. It was 9mm and I spent 21 days in the hospital and don' t remember a bit of it. I do know I scared mp partner and our 19 year old daughter. Not to mention she had to call my parents and tell them to come to florida the doctors don't expect me to live. I suffered 2 strokes due to the blood on the brain. But they were able to coil it and I did get better. I went every 6 months to have the coil checked and untill this past june 2010 I thought living like an egg was my life. That is when we got news that "something looked wrong there was a 4 mm buldge on the coiled annie" is what the doctors nuse told me over the phone. I was like what? you all put this in my head and now you say it looks wrong? she advise me to find a doctor who could do an angrograph and possible recoile it. She called me at work and told me all this over the phone. To say i was upset is understatement. so my partner and our child came and picked me up form work and we drove to our primary doctors office who was waiting for me due the kid calling her and telling her what was said to me by the other hospital. My primary had already called some neroloogist (sp) and they advise her to call Mayo Clinic they had great surgons. she did and i was in seeing one of them within a week. Dr. Hanel is the best. I love that man. he looked at the test then said he wanted to take his own and we did it the next day. he told me the coil had been pushed down and it was refilling with blood and the 4mm was an annie on top of the one that was coiled. so he could not recoil he said he had to clamp it. the thought of my head opened scared me big time. but i knew i trused this dr. because he showed me on the compurter the test results and what was wrong and how he would try to fix it and he went into all that could go wrong and all that could fgo right. that is when he said i was on emergency stand by for operation due to the repture and it refilling up with blood. i had surgery schedualed for 2 weeks but if he had an opening sooner i was comming in they would give me 12 hour notice and i was to go home and do nothing till he had his chance to try to fix this annie. I did feel like what the ..... and it took my family to get me to look at the bright side one way or the other this will be stopping . and by the gods above they did it. i eneded up haveing the left side clamped and then they found one on the right side they clamped also. with in 6 weeks Mayo had opened up my head and clamped both annies and no sign of any more. I am still in recovery process but i am doing good. no loss of memory no more headaches and a life now without worring if the coil will move or i will leak. If you are near a mayo clinic go there and talk to those doctors. i was lucky my dr. knew who to call for me. and keep going don't ever give up on yourself.

cathy

sILVER bELLE aka: ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■■…one of my dearest friends, Patsy (Pittman) Burris & I grew up together in Columbia, MS & both move to Gpt. several yrs later. My only child, Ben, & her 1st child were both 1 week apart, My ‘annie’ was in 05 & my stint & coil & I ended up in an assisted living in Hattiesburg, MS. EVERY one here is in their 80’s but me. I HOPE to move to Lubbock, TX. My CONSERVATOR is happier with me here/Mother, who is 81 now. I have a stent & a coil (with now short hair & NO curl! E me if you would like, I am free after 6PM here,

DON’T DWELL on being depressed. I am STILL on an antidepressant & I meet ‘annie’ 'in 05. My only child. Ben, graduated & moved to TX when I met ‘annie’…I MISS my only child VERY much. My E is below.