Any advice for a guy that's struggling with constantly trying to keep stress levels down for his wife (an aneurysm survivor), while dealing with all the responsibilities of the household including a teenage boy at the same time? I love my wife dearly, but it's getting increasingly difficult for me to keep my cool. Thank you all in advance.
Hi,
I'm sorry your wife and you are experiencing all of these challenges. My response to you is from the perspective of a wife and annie survivor whose husband is awesome but perhaps a bit over protective. My rupture was this past January. I'm making a really good recovery but I've had to fuss at my husband because he frequently gets on to our children and their friends for being too loud in the house. I want to keep things as normal as possible and love the "realness" of loud neighborhood kids running throughout the house.Without knowing the extent of your wife's disability (if any) or how long ago her rupture was, consider whether or not she's asked you to carry the burden alone. What are her wishes? Also, it took me a while to pick up my responsibilities around the house. At three months post-rupture, I can handle most responsibilities again but it takes longer and I get tired. Also, my recovery has been exceptional according to docs....everyone is different. Hang in there but I encourage you to talk to your wife about this as well. (p.s. we have 3 children: 6, 10 and 16 y.o.) It also helps to consider how much worse the situation could be. Thinking of those who've lost a loved one or are dealing with permanent and severe disability makes our situation seem ideal. Best wishes!
Thank you for the kind thoughts and advice Sandy. I should have stated it will be two years this July since her rupture. She also is a miracle in my eyes with her near 100% recovery. You made very good points! Perhaps I'm instinctively taking on the work load for no real reason? It's just so difficult for me to see her take on many things after what I went through side by side with her, from the moment I found her to her release from rehab. I will talk with her and see how she feels. Thank you again, its amazing how the simplest comments from someone in a similar situation can make you feel so much better.
I’m so glad I could help in some way! My husband said the exact same thing when I fussed at him to let me do things on my own. He also found me passed out and went into super dad mode immediately thereafter. He said it was just hard to ‘switch gears’ out of fear for my health. He was awesome and I’m sure you were/are too. Edwardo has some really great points too! :0)
How amazingly sweet of you to ask how you could help your dear wife. I like the others recommendations about talking to your wife. See what works, or doesn't work, for her. I'm about 7 months into my healing. I'm better off than many here as mine was clipped prior to rupture. But my hubby, teen son, and I did have to sit and talk about what I can do vs what I wanted to do. I can't clean as much as I used to or as fast. Bills take longer to do and often have to be rechecked. I can handle activity and noise until early afternoon and then I need to hide somewhere in silence. I noticed that when my hubby tried to handle it all for me he was becoming more frazzled and short tempered. Which would make me stressed. So I started doing little things here and there and using them as physical/mental therapy. I just take more, longer, breaks. Hmmm I don't think I helped you any but it'll be a give and take along the healing journey I suspect.
Thank you very much for the nice comments. You give me a good a great suggestion to possibly help my wife understand what I'm going through. I hate the fact that it may sound a bit selfish, but I didn't realize until recently how much it's affecting me. Thanks again.
You received great information from Sandy and HarleyLena...so from me...Hang in there, it does get better...and YOU must take time out for YOU...~ Prayers being sent out to you, wife and child...~ Colleen
Thank you Colleen (:
Hi Brad. I am an aSAH survivor. Ten days ago it was 2 years since. It’s has been the most traumatic event in my family and mines life. I am now getting back to my " new normal". It has been a struggle but with God’ help, I am getting there. My husband has been my rock. Only in the beginning of the year. I started going back to the kitchen. I even started cooking! I do everything partially with lots of breaks like Sandy. Unlike her, my recovery has taken its slow time. But I am getting better. I have 2 kids, a 16 year old boy, and a 11 year old girl, Who continued to go through different phases, while I am still recuperating my husband did the needful. But a young girl needs her mom more. It was tough on him. Trying to do his work plus mines. It is stressful. I am sorry most men can’t handle both. I know I’ll get a lot of comments for this. Sometimes on my “off” days. I am very cranky. So I can nit pick. I find everything wrong with his domestic skills. And it’s all about me, being frustrated with this illness. My son has come up with a solution-when I get frustrated sit down and talk about it as a family. It really works. Who say you can’t learn from your kids? Like Harlylena, and Sandy,sitting down and talking to your wife of what she wants to do and what she’s capable of doing is important. Edwardo I am so happy for your family! Your wife is coming home soon. You are right the most important thing- you are together. Brad stay cool and remember the brain takes time to heal. You are a wonderful husband and dad everything is going get better look how far your wife has come. My prayers and thoughts are with your family and you.
Thank you so much Kimlin. Those are very nice thoughts. It's been awhile since I've been on this site and it's quite amazing how you all can make me feel so much better!
Take care, (:
Brad,
I'm into my 2nd year post SAH.... my husband is a "traveling doctor" so I've run our house basically by myself for the past 20 yrs. so to say the least it was a challenge for both of us, for me to let my husband and others help and for him as well, once he understood what my real limitations were and allowed me to go back to normal it became easier, it may be that you were so afraid for her that you've taken on too much, remember that what we (survivors) want the most is to feel normal again, so talk to her come up with a plan together, you are on the same team!
Based on my own experience with 2 teen daughters, I can tell you that my incident affected them completely differently, my oldest (16 at the time) took charge, while my youngest (12) still suffers from occasional panic attacks, after all according to her "is not normal to fear your mother may die" so keep an eye on your teen, remember that teens have different ways of expressing fear/anxiety/worry and many times we adults don't see it as such, we choose to see it as "trouble" talk to your wife and son, you are on this together!!
Brad...it is impressive for your f/up here w/so many spouses...
Has your wife had neuropsych exams? the results may assist w/decisions on therapies to help her recovery...Does she have neurologist to help w/recommendations?
Has your wife had the in-depth hearing and vision tests?
Do you have family, close friends, a neighbor, who can check...take for walk...just a small visit and/or phone calls...depending on distances...
Does your teenage son have a friend or two...w/parents who can/may be helpful...re: activities?
Always in life ...some parents of kids become close friends, too...
I think there is Group Spouse/Partner site...that may be helpful...the changes in activities/relationships are tremendous...Some of us have been real naggers..."be sure to maintain your own health, rest, some activities... "
Prayers for your best for all of you..
Pat
Thank you Pat, those are very kind words and greatly appreciated.
Thank you for your thoughts Vicky. Very good advice I will consider. Very good point about how my son may be feeling at times. Sometimes I over look things like that. I will talk with both of them to remind all of us we're on the same page. Take care.
Brad - First of all, you are not alone. My wife suffered her rupture almost 6 years ago. I have been trying to figure out away to answer your question. It is not easy. I have been there, and still after all this time still on occasion find myself in the same place. What has worked for me may not work for you and your wife. Each one of us is different, and the healing process is not the same. And yes it is a healing process. There are so many emotions for the spouse of a survivor. The best answer? I will share with you what I went through. And hopefully it will help. I not only wanted to protect my wife from the stress of the everyday, but everything. She is the love of my life. Knowing that each day was a struggle for her, and the everyday life did not help. When I had a bad day, I did not share this with her. It seemed so trivial compared to what she was going through. I kept all of this bottled up inside, to protect her. I just wanted her to get better. People not understanding what my wife and I were going through. Having no one to talk to. Stepping in when she was doing something, because she would struggle and it was easier for me to do. We have 2 kids, one was 14, and one was 12 at the time. You worry about how they are handling the issue, how are they coping. I am a fixer, and needed to fix it all. I celebrated her successes, and tried to protect her from the failures. When I was home, every pain she felt was a worry, was this happening again. When I was at work and she was alone, what if something happens, there will be no one to help. It is a rollercoaster ride of emotions. For me I ended up in counseling. I was hesitant at first, but it did help. It turned out to be a place where I could vent with no guilt. He gave me tools to use. The first was honesty with myself and my wife. We went through it all. Fear turns to frustration, frustration turns to anger, anger turns to blame, blame turns to self pity, that turns to guilt. And I had to break that cycle. I had to learn that I could not protect her from everything, and I could not fix everything. I just had to be there for her support. I needed to step back, and let her do what she needed to do. To let life happen at her pace. I learned the difference between sympathy and empathy. My wife did not want sympathy, but wanted me to understand and share with her what we were going through together. There is a fine line between the two. I needed to be there to support my kids too. To listen when they had something to say. Not to try and fix. Both handled it in different ways. I have a hard time expressing my self in words. It always ended up bad when we talked. The counseler suggested that I sit down and put on paper to her how I felt, what I was going through. To write her a letter letting it all out without blame. It was not her fault, it was just the cards we were dealt. It was 8 pages long. It started from the night of her rupture, till the time of the letter. She had no idea what I had and was going through. We had always focused on her, and I bottled it up, it was not fair for her to worry about me. I was fine don't you worry about me. But she knew something was wrong, she saw and felt it. And it added to her stress. In the end it helped the whole family. I am no counseler, and I am not giving this to you as advise, just a man who has been there, and figured out what would work for me. Each of us has to figure this out, and there is no shame is seeking out help if needed.
I hope this will help, and good luck.