Hello everyone! New here…1st question…so I’m a 6 year survivor of an AVM surgery which had major complications that a 3-4 day surgery turned into a month long ICU stay with an aspiration and two bouts of pneumonia… blessed to have come out in a wheelchair but recovered…Now I’m experiencing a lot of anger issues…I seem to get angry or frustrated and say some very self destructive comments…seems there is no one beyond my lash outs… especially my wife…she is my rock and seems to be the blunt of my outbursts…I even now just get mad and tell a lie just to hurt out of my anger…I was and still am a very passive person and stay that way until it hits a nerve and then who knows what I may say…I’m looking to see if anyone else has these issues or are they unique to just me…I have used Lexapro for a few years but not sure if that’s even going to work for me anymore.
Thanks in advance for any thoughts and encouragement.
My unpredictable anger is usually rooted in a personal frustration that I can’t do something I could do or feel I should be able to do, or run into something I should have been able to see (but for aneurysm created partial blindness). But I have to admit, the burst of frustration borne anger is a family trait. My father had it (he fought cancer at a young age) and my brother has it (he was in a double cast the second year of his life). I was able to control or ignore it for many years while staying positive with life, kids, and a great marriage. But now that I am on my own, that trait is getting released like a wild dog. For me, I know I have to control it because I have two dogs who were adopted from their own traumas and who cannot reason my outbursts, so I walk, or mow the lawn with the push mower (rather than the rider), or I take an ax to the logs in the back yard. Simply, I have forced myself to control and release my anger in a way that does not upset my house-mates. Not always easy and I am not perfect at it, but I work hard at it and allow myself a pat on the shoulder when I succeed. The shoulder pats are getting more frequent than the regretful apologies.
Perhaps you can find a way to detect the signs of an outburst coming and develop a productive work-around for you and your family.
This is a brain aneurysm support community. If you have an AVM, you’ll find more people like you at https://avmsurvivors.org/ I sent you a couple of emails about this (which might be in your junk mail folder).
I recommend you join AVMsurvivors.
Richard
Hey Chad! I really agree with @KrysG’s statement about early awareness and finding something to release it in a positive manner. I think that’s dead on fantastic advice! The physical activity not only gives a more positive release, but also time to work out where your emotion is coming from.
Everyone has a “tell” whether it’s a clenched jaw or fist or maybe a tightening of the gut or bouncing your feet, you just need to listen to your body to figure out yours. There’s a couple other things that may help, try to practice relaxation breathing all the time. The way I was taught and passed it on to those I worked with was to take a deep breath down to your diaphragm, hold it for a slow count of five and release fully through your mouth. You can build up to longer holding times but start with the slow count of five using your fingers on a hand to see. When we get angry, frustrated, stressed, scared, etc. we often stop breathing deep enough so everything tightens and it compounds our emotions. Oxygen helps and to get enough we have to remember to breathe.
The other suggestion would be to work with a therapist, especially if you are taking an antidepressant. Having worked in the helping field for several decades, I know the two work better together than just the medication. Look for a therapist that will tell you what you need and not what you want them to say. In other words, the therapist needs to teach you coping skills. If you can manipulate your therapist, they are probably not the right one for you.
Hi Chad, I am a seven year Ruptured Anni (clipped) survivor and I have similar issues with anger and lashing out. I too have a rock of a wife, I suppose I am lucky she is a retired nurse and has come across this sort of thing before. She tells me it is not unusual in people like me who have had some brain damage due to the bleed. She knows I love her very much, and I tell her as often as I can. So you are not alone
I’m 42 about to be 43. I live with my parents. My dad is 74 and my mom is 70. Before my aneurysm I traveled for work and when I wasn’t I lived here with them but paid them to live here. Now a month before I had my aneurysm my dad was in the hospital with failing liver and now on dialysis. Then I had my ruptured aneurysm. Didn’t know I had it, was planning on going back to work.
Now dad and I have both been laid up but both are doing better and able to drive and get out of the house. His recovery and mine are quite different but at least I have them and my mom is a retired nurse so that helps.
But on the flip side I feel like I’ll never be able to get out of here now and how will I ever start a relationship or ever be able to afford things like buying a house. I hope to go back to work in the fall but I have no idea how that will go.
So of course I have some anger and anxiety. I’m frustrated that I can’t do things that I could do a year ago and never expected for this to be happening.
All I can say is get out and get some fresh air. Also maybe talk to a friend about things that you may not want to talk to your wife about. I’m sure that there are hot button topics I know I have some. When someone suggests something that I don’t want to hear I just tell them I don’t want to talk about it now. I think that helps me.
I am also considering a therapist. I’ve been thinking about it off and on but I’m leaning more towards getting one. Someone not involved in any of this that I can talk to anything about