Hi Jeannine, I relate to What you’re feeling. I posted my feelings on October 9, 2014, if you want to read it. I must of wrote it on a good day 
glad I did to remind me on my bad days. Its ok, essential actually, to take care of yourself, put yourself first, do what makes you happy whether others understand or not. It helps us have more good days that we can share with others. It’s not selfish, it’s healing. Hugs, Happy Solstice and Happy Holidays, whatever that means and fulfills you
Hi, Once again Jeannine. What a lot of emotion in your post and probably right! BUT!
Hey girl, the hard work is now done and you are now on the home straight so to speak, so it is time for the old Jeannine to shine through.
Yes it was hard and you know what, you came through it all, so from now on it needs to be smile time!
Set yourself little challenges every day, look yourself in the mirror every morning and tell yourself that you will achieve more today than you have ever achieved on any other day.
Buy yourself the most colourful beanie hat and wear it with pride and smile, smile and make the world think, what the hell is she so cheerful about!
Trust me on this one, do as I say and life will be good, much better than where you are now and finally thank your family and friends for their support, but more importantly show them your progress.
Go for it girl!
Best wishes
Martinc
Jeannine - First I want to say thank you for your post. As I've read through all the responses I'm in awe of what people have gone through but feel renewed by reading and learning from what everyone has said. I say renewed because I've become angry and down the past two weeks with everything and even one of my favorite movies, It's a Wonderful Life, didn't do it for me this year. For the first time I've felt a part of our little community here although I've been reading and posting for a few months. I'm thankful to everyone that responded to you and hope it helped you as much as it helped me. I'll make a pact with you - you hang in there and I will too. We'll slog through it all with the help of our annie friends here and damn it we will get better and better day by day!
Hi Jeannine,
We all here get it! That’s why this group helps so much. I too was, and still can be 26 years later, very emotional over having had an aneurysm and putting my family through a living hell while wondering if I was going to survive. There is the fear of another one happening and having to go through the pain that only a survivor knows. Wondering in what state you will come out of another one. On and on… It is ok to get angry, however, try to make sure the anger gets a little less each day and the positive thoughts get a little more. There are always positives. Sometimes it is hard to see them, particularly when you are having a bad day. No one knows what is around the corner in this life so we have to walk a straight line as long as possible. Time does help, however having an aneurysm is a life changing experience only survivors and those close to us can understand. Hang in there, hold your head high, those who matter really care.
Hi Jeannine,
I’m so sorry you are suffering. I think the added pressure of Christmas and all that we women folk normally achieve in a day (even either side of Christmas) doesn’t help.
I’m 5 days post surgery and doing really well. I put that down to having already experienced many huge trials and overcome too much for my years really. 2 months prior to surgery I finally ‘let go’ - just had to… and trusted everything to those who love me. It was hard because I’d been so tough and so in control for 40 years. I was amazed by how many beautiful souls wanted to help and in how many ways. I am so blessed and I am sure you will be too if you let people.
I wonder if you can manage to purchase 1 small gift for a few key people online, find a wonderful therapist to talk to, take this time to pamper self, pray and let go too for a month or two at least.
I’m praying for you.
Love,
K.
Hi Jeannine,
It is normal to have such fluctuating and opposing emotions after this kind of event. Don't beat yourself up for feeling down when you do, it is to be expected, feeling both grateful to be alive and yet saddened by having to cope with the loss of your normal life Every day will get a little better, but in the meantime, allow yourself to be where you are in recovery. I'm sure your family understands how serious a health issue you've had and are just grateful to have you with them this Christmas!
It took me over a year to get a perspective on how the surgery and after-effects had changed me and my life. My mobility improved a great deal as time passed (I had a stroke during the rupture and hemorrhaged for over 15 ours before they could do the craniotomy.) Unlike many people on this site, my full vision never came back - I have a left-sided hemianopsia, so I only see out of the right half of each eye. I can sympathize with your eye problem, I often have to close one eye to see anything clearly, and have adjusted to not driving any more. In time, you come to terms with whatever disabilities you are left with and that changes your perspective, I think it makes most of us more compassionate and understanding of others' problems of all kinds.
Hang in there,
Melissa
I like that analogy- Jeannine you probably don't realize it right now, but you are the gift to your family. That is really all they want this year.
Alice said:
Hi Jeannine,
It's been 3 years for me and I'm still processing. I have changed-actually for the better. My type A personality, is now a type M (mellow). The holidays are a hard time of year for a lot of people- be easy on yourself. YOU are the gift this Christmas!
Alice
hi!! I know how you feel, just buy gift cards on line for gifts, make it simple, honestly kids prefer cash or gift cards . umm I don't think I've changed except physically, it takes years to sort it all out, denial didn't help with recovery or improvement but its a necessary phase, tc feel better soon ~
Hi
You will definitely go through stages of recovery, very similar to how people go through stages of grief. Because this is grief in another way. Depending on how you discovered you had an aneurysm and how the surgery and treatment went, most of what was normal has now changed.
It was years before I realized how I changed but that's also about aging. I was in my 20's when I had my aneurysm and had few deficits after my hemorrhage but the emotional healing was a different story. I was living alone when I had my aneurysm and after a few months of family and friends being at my side and taking care of everything for me after it, I didnt know what to do with myself when I was suddenly alone again. I had a lot of anger at the world for moving on but it also forced me to pull myself through it. In a way it was good to just have myself to be concerned about and I knew that was different but I missed having others taking care of me.
I did the majority of my healing right around this time of year, so with the fast pace of the holidays, I can totally understand why you feel like you should be doing more. Try your hardest to just feel better and take it easy. Shop online as much as you can!! :)
It's been 17 years since my aneurysm which did hemorrhage and I had coils implanted. It was a miracle and all that but it took quite a while to bounce back emotionally, medically I was back to normal within a few weeks and even allowed to drive and go back to work. Our emotions are so personal and deep and no one can fully know how this type of thing will effect them.
Hang in there and take care!!
Best wishes, Kathy
Hi Jeanine. I am a survivor also. I was in hospital for 6 months, then to rehab.I don't / remember much but coming home was a big adjustment. It seemed so overwhelming at the time. My family new more of the chain of events than I did. I had my own pity party. For 6months. Lol. My family was concerned about me. So they had my doctor talk to me. He asked how do you feel?I said I feel like I lost my way home and can not find my way back . I decided to go on a trip to alone.My feeling was nobody there knows what happened and won't ask questions. I'm still finding my way home but it helped my well being. I have 5 more and lots of fear,but I am still here and so are you. It will get better Merry Christmas.
Hello everyone,
I can't tell you how much your answers are helping. It's comforting to know that at least I'm normal and define some of my feelings, especially about grief over losing my normal life.
It's really hard to accept, (someone also mentioned being in denial) that I'm not in control of my life or my activities but that I have to wait until I know how my body is feeling before I do anything.
Today was good. I had energy, no pain, and happy. I was up and walked around doing some dusting, a little laundry, enough to feel a bit "normal."
After dinner, as is always the case, I suddenly had pain and pressure in my head/eye area and felt like I got hit by a truck. I had to lay down, then my eyes suddenly got blurry and heavy and after awhile I was getting really afraid again of not getting my vision back. Thank God for my husband for being with me while I cried again.
Like everyone keeps saying, recovery is slow. I have to start getting used to the sudden changes and the setbacks I guess. It's definitely a process.
Thanks,
Jeannine
hi there I had a coiled aneurism 3 years ago I understand how you feel I sometimes have the same emotions but you just have to carry on and thank the lord you are still here and have survived I still sometimes worry too when I get headaches so be positive all the best Mavis from the UK
Hi Jeannine,
I have had three craniotomies, the most recent being in Dec 23, 2013. On November 4, 2014, I had an cranioplasty performed. I, too, experienced some of the emotions you described. I am grateful to have survived but was sadden with the reality of facing the person I am now, after the surgery. I was bored during until I discovered online shopping. I was concerned that I would be unable to go out and purchase gifts for my daughters and grandkids. I discovered a website, called e-bates, that has thousands of stores. I ordered stuff for my family and a few items for myself. I am not suggesting that retail therapy is the way to improve your emotions but it can address some of the anxiety I see in your email. I was able to get all of the gifts my grandkids wanted. I have decorated my home extra nice this year. I became excited about spending Xmas with my kids and grandkids. I had to encourage myself. I kept thinking that my life would always be one operation after another and it sadden me. However, when I look back at how far God has bought me and how loving and concern my family members were during the most difficult times of my life, I am grateful. I know that things are tough now but if you can do something different I believe that it may uplift your spirits. The emotional state that you are in is temporary. You will be able to do everything that you were able to do most things presurgery, but may have to do them differently. I pray that your emotions improve!!! I forgot to mention that each of my craniotomies occurred days before Xmas!!
Jeannine,
You probably overdid it with the dusting, etc. If you feel energetic do one thing at a time, one small area and then rest. It will help keep the headaches at bay as well as the blurry vision.
I’ve had several traumatic events. Each one has altered my thinking in some way. I’ve met people through my life that only inspired me with their glass half full attitude. I have learned being positive is a much better way to expend my energy. I view it as a challenge, and I like challenges.
With my SAH, I came home with very little affect (emotions). Now, a year after the fact, I cry during Hallmark movies - the Christmas ones with the Veterans and the dogs. I never cried at movies before. I also tell the people I love in my life, that I love them. Before I just tried to show it. Surrounding myself with positive people, positive experiences has become very important.
After being hit by a drunk driver while riding my horse, I learned to laugh at myself. Also learned not to be so self conscious when my brothers’ friends would talk to me while I was hanging in a traction unit over the bathroom door. Once, I forgot I had my rib brace on to keep my sternum together. I joined my brother and the guys he brought up from a Marine base playing football in our arena. I was running the ball and passed out. Luckily one of the Marines knew I had my brace on and he yanked it off causing my lungs to expand with air. I was only 15 and couldn’t wear a bra with the brace on. Boy was I embarrrased! The guys were all good about it though. Being hit by the drunk and having to make the decision to put my horse down taught me to mourn in a more healthy way. That year also taught me to appreciate what I have in the moment, to stop and interact with those I love while they are with me. But it was a Marine who had pulled many tours in Nam that helped me process my accident. He was the only one I would talk to for any extended period of time. So now, I stop what I’m doing without getting too frustrated and play or talk or simply hold hands on the couch. Being in the present with the ones I love so I have no regrets. More recently and this has happened in the past, just more on my mind now - I have a great desire to tell those people who have helped me along my path what a great gift they gave me. Some I will never be able to contact, some I might be able to find.
I’m also learning that things like yard work don’t need to get done today or tomorrow. I can get to it “directly” (Southern word for Dont hold your breath). I used to want it done yesterday
I used to have all my Christmas gifts purchases by September or October. Last year I couldn’t wait for Christmas and had given them out before my Nov 7th rupture. Everyone laughed as this was so not like me! I could literally buy a present in January and not mention it until December! I like the sales that happen after the holidays. Except for one that was in my wood shop, I gave them all out. At Christmas, everyone was just happy to have me with them. This year, I’m buying online. The kids will get something to open, historically a craft or art item they have to do, a book and a gift card so they can hit the sales!
dear jeanine,
hi there, we all understand how you feel. we have lived it and/or are still living it along with you. you're not alone. i'm on my 8th month of recovery. still off work but finally feeling human again. there were many times i didn't think i was going to make it or be myself again. but the human body has an amazing way of healing if you let it. i went through all the same emotions you're going through. i know it's so hard, but please know that everything you are feeling is normal. there is no set of rules or guidelines that we're given to help us through this. i will get very sad and impatient with my healing process. good days and bad days.
as far as how to act around family, hun, right now you need to just worry about you. it's so important that you take care of you and heal. rest when you're tired, don't do anything but chill. your family will understand. and their gift this year is "you being alive"!!! except the help and love that you receive because you need it.
i know it's scary and emotions run high and low. i had to get on meds to help me because i got suicidal. it made no sense to me. i just cheated death but was so depressed i wanted to die because the healing process was just too hard. but i'll say this hun, you will make it and you will be yourself again. but you've got to try as hard as you can to relax and not worry about others right now. they will understand.
god bless you and my best to you. feel free to write me anytime.
marcii
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for sharing your story. It's always difficult to read about people, such as yourself go through so much more suffering and obstacles that are far worse than mine. I doesn't make me feel better right away but it helps. Thanks and I truly hope you stay on the road to recovery and stay positive.. Please feel free to stay in touch.
Take care, Jeannine
Melissa DeForge said:
Hi Jeannine,
It is normal to have such fluctuating and opposing emotions after this kind of event. Don't beat yourself up for feeling down when you do, it is to be expected, feeling both grateful to be alive and yet saddened by having to cope with the loss of your normal life Every day will get a little better, but in the meantime, allow yourself to be where you are in recovery. I'm sure your family understands how serious a health issue you've had and are just grateful to have you with them this Christmas!
It took me over a year to get a perspective on how the surgery and after-effects had changed me and my life. My mobility improved a great deal as time passed (I had a stroke during the rupture and hemorrhaged for over 15 ours before they could do the craniotomy.) Unlike many people on this site, my full vision never came back - I have a left-sided hemianopsia, so I only see out of the right half of each eye. I can sympathize with your eye problem, I often have to close one eye to see anything clearly, and have adjusted to not driving any more. In time, you come to terms with whatever disabilities you are left with and that changes your perspective, I think it makes most of us more compassionate and understanding of others' problems of all kinds.
Hang in there,
Melissa
Hi Mary,
Thanks for the recommendation. I have a question though, since Jill Taylor experienced an AVM, wouldn't that be a very different recovery and emotions, etc. for someone like me who just had 2 unruptured aneurysm clipped?
Jeannine
mary w said:
I know -been there and sometimes still am. The best book that I ever read and understood was "The Stroke of Insight" by Jill Taylor, a brain scientist. She had an AVM, a brain bleed that hit her left side brain; her troubles and progress are detailed. The best part of the whole book that hit me was Addendum B. It explains to caretakers-well, everyone that we are wounded and the best way to be with us.
It's Holiday time - get the book for you and share with your friends and family.
Hi Kerri,
I just read your post on October 9th you recommended and remember reading it a long time ago. It's quite insightful and though provoking. You've struggled every step of the way and conquered each obstacle. You're to be commended. I also love the letter from your brain. So amazing.
Take care,
Jeannine
Karri said:
Hi Jeannine, I relate to What you're feeling. I posted my feelings on October 9, 2014, if you want to read it. I must of wrote it on a good day :) glad I did to remind me on my bad days. Its ok, essential actually, to take care of yourself, put yourself first, do what makes you happy whether others understand or not. It helps us have more good days that we can share with others. It's not selfish, it's healing. Hugs, Happy Solstice and Happy Holidays, whatever that means and fulfills you :)
Yes it would be different. Recovery from a bleed is ever so much more diificult and sometimes impossible because of the damage. And of course the surgery is much more difficult, and involves a much larger area. None the less while the circumstances of Jill taylors surgey and injury are much more serious than a preventaive surgery and the emotions much more intense, there is still much that can be learned. Thankfulness that you got things fixed in time, such as you must feel as opposed to what Jill went through is different. Even though you have had a much easier road, I wouldn't beat yourself up. Survivors guilt can be equally destructive.
J Knights said:
Hi Mary,
Thanks for the recommendation. I have a question though, since Jill Taylor experienced an AVM, wouldn't that be a very different recovery and emotions, etc. for someone like me who just had 2 unruptured aneurysm clipped?
Jeannine
mary w said:I know -been there and sometimes still am. The best book that I ever read and understood was "The Stroke of Insight" by Jill Taylor, a brain scientist. She had an AVM, a brain bleed that hit her left side brain; her troubles and progress are detailed. The best part of the whole book that hit me was Addendum B. It explains to caretakers-well, everyone that we are wounded and the best way to be with us.
It's Holiday time - get the book for you and share with your friends and family.
I too struggled with husband and some individuals not understanding I am not the same person anymore. I had to find and like me before dealing with all the drama of others. Non rupture aneurysm causes no scar to remind others what I dealt with and continue to be aware of. You worry about yourself first and those who count will learn about your condition and learn to stand strong with you to heal. I can say I am better handling the memory loss and no more multi tasking as once was, but it has taken me caring about me to accomplish where I am today. Prayers help but quiet time doing little things you enjoy has been my sanity. Sincerely, Teresa