Morning Ari! I have aspired to be many things, normal has never been one of them though. Having a few decades on you, I can tell you what you already know; we, as humans, are never stagnate. We are always growing and changing. It just becomes more apparent the older we get. A rupture makes it a bit different, but still just a change. It’s really hard to identify what we need to move forward and then to ask but you’ve got over that hurdle! Good for you!
When I was a wee lass, around 4 or 5, Bucky Green and I were going to get married, and eat tacos (my favorite) and hot dogs(his favorite) whilst living in a tent in his Mom’s backyard. Mom taught all of us how to cook and bake, clean the house and do laundry. Dad taught all of us how to mow the yard, check the vehicle’s fluids and change a tire before we were allowed to get behind the wheel and actually drive a vehicle. The four of us kids weren’t taught gender specific roles. We were taught to think for ourselves and be respectful of others at the same time.
My sister being the oldest, got married and started having children with a couple miscarriages in the beginning. Mom had me going over to her home and helping her with cleaning and cooking, her husband didn’t know how to do either. I also had to teach him to paint a room I think I was around 12-13 at the time
. They started making poor life choices and dropping their children off at our house without telling anyone until the day they did it and I couldn’t pack up the camper and get everything ready for a big ride we were planning.
I started college at 16 in Ag Bus Mgmt part time. My parents didn’t want me to be a Psych major. Moved away from home to attend university as far away as I could get and still be in California to avoid out of state tuition and raising kids who weren’t mine. Unfortunately it didn’t pan out, it was still a field where women weren’t wanted. But I loved the University so I switched majors twice more ending up as a Dev Psych major. First client committed suicide, another student and I found her. I took full responsibility for her choice and dropped out last semester of my Senior year. Fell in what I thought was love but probably lust, bad life choice for me. Ended up back home, got a job, then joined the USN.
Finished university, eventually able to secure a job in my chosen field and then as a SW for the county. Worked there for about 15 years and popped my pipe. I’m recounting things in my life just to remind you everything we do, everyone we meet affects change in us and we have to learn to roll with the blows and rejoice in the good things.
After I ruptured it took me years to get to where I am now. Nothing happens over night, except the rupture it seems. Despite having a very large vocabulary I didn’t understand simple words and would ask anyone walking past my ICU bed what a word was and what it meant. It took me three weeks to get through that book which would have been a one night read for me. Had to learn to get the message from my brain to my feet to walk. Took me years to walk correctly and not like a drunk.
Occasionally, like yesterday, I mentioned I missed working. It comes up every now and then. The folks I were speaking with laughed saying they’d love to be retired. BH reminded them they wouldn’t want to be retired the way I became retired. That reminded me I don’t miss working holidays and dealing with substance abusers. Which thinking about it today is because I always worked Christmas Eve. BH and I have aggravated each other for almost 30 years now, a good life choice!
I’m fortunate that when I get the feeling that I’m no longer a productive member of society, someone in my life reminds me of all I am still able to do. They will remind me of how much I’ve relearned since I ruptured. It’s not been easy and it has required an immense amount of determination and patience. Many times I have to swallow my pride and ask for help. Asking for help is probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned since I ruptured.
I’ve typed way too much and my shoulder/neck is feeling it. I hope other members come and reply. Hang in there and remember to breathe. You are stronger than your rupture!