For almost six months I have been trying to deal with the “New Norm” as we are learning to call it. My nuero saying “it’s like having a stroke but you didn’t have a stroke” etc… trying one anti depressant after another, that just made me sleep, or not care or eat to much. My wonderful new primary care doctor knows I don’t like meds and before my world changed at 64 years old all I ever took was a natural thyroid medication.
My memory, speech and word choice was most changed by the location of the coil and stent so expressing myself was hard. So when family, doctors, (lost my friends because I wasn’t my good old fun self) kept saying “You are just depressed, we will find the right dose, pill or whatever” I was sinking lower and losing more of myself.
During a doctor visit last week I was a screaming crying temper tantrum with this wonderful sweet lady, when she suggested one more trial pill, when I suddenly found the right words, and I blurted out “I AM FRUSTRATED!” She busted out laughing and almost started crying and she said yes there is a difference. She was glad I had found my voice and could express myself. So My being able to identify those moments and things that frustrate me may seem small to some, but it has helped to gain a little control over my person again, and deal with daily chores a little better Wondering how others feel about this.
You nailed it on the head! I too can’t take a lot of meds, my body just doesn’t like them. The inability to communicate the way we once did is a major inconvenience. I think for me, after rupture, not having emotions was problematic. Folks didn’t understand why I wasn’t crying when my folks died, or early on when we had to put my beloved Lab down. My brain wasn’t connecting. And of course, I couldn’t find the words. What I’ve learned to do is explain the thought, without thinking. The first year or three, all I could do is say “Brain black”, no one understood. Until one day, we met the husband and a kind, generous woman who used to moderate here. He said, “ You’re not aware of processing thoughts anymore.” Stunned that finally someone got it, I was also elated. It made some connection begin a slow journey to increase recovery. I could finally tell my surgeon, “you know how you go through the procedure before you start and see it in your mind? Well I can’t do that anymore.” I’m on my third go around with Speech Therapy, and it’s helping dramatically or it’s the massive amount of allergy meds, they’ve put me on. LOL. Try hard to keep yourself in the public, don’t isolate yourself. Think about it, when you now meet new folks, they’ve got no history to judge you by! And I’m going to disagree with your Neuro, a rupture is a stroke, it’s a hemorrhagic stroke.
Wow! Thanks for sharing. And I hopefully did not take away from real depression. It is real and serious.
You didn’t take away from real depression in my opinion. You helped us see that frustration is very much a part of recovery. We are tasked with finding new ways of living when we thought we had simple things covered.
And like Sisterrose53 says, “depression is real and serious” For anyone who is experiencing depression, don’t battle it alone, get a therapist. Being strong enough to admit you need help is a good thing!
Hang in there. It has been 16 years since my clipping procedure for an unruptured annie behind my eye. I still fight frustration from time to time when I can’t get words out. I know it in my brain but my mouth won’t say it. Add age to that( about to turn 60) and life is never dull. I am on celexa for anxiety that I deal with from time to time. Not always on an antidepressant but it seems like when something happens to my health, I can’t handle it. A simple thing like my BP being elevated and I go back to 16 yrs. ago, having a light stroke and finding annie and my blood pressure goes even higher. I have learned how to take some deep breaths and realize I’m not about to die. But thats how it feels. For the most part I am pretty good with the new normal. I do think you learn what your brain can and can’t handle. And I don’t apologize for it any more. Sleep is very important I have learned. Take care and as you know you recovery is a marathon not a sprint. robyn bateman
I too, understand your frustration. My Annie was coiled back in 1978. I was blessed and had no issues for 19 years. Then I began having seizures and migraines. The seizures are under control but the migraines are not. I either have one or there is the fear of having one. My plans have been changed before I walk out the door, I get somewhere and can’t drive home, or have to leave early. I have learned to be extremely grateful for the “good days”. Getting plenty of sleep is one of the most important things you can do. None of us handle anything well when we are tired.
Please read “A Letter from your Brain” by Stephanie St. Clair. It may help you understand what your Brain is trying to tell you. Unfortunately, your frustration may remain, accept it, and develope an attitude of gratitude that you are still here. It could always have ended up worse. Sometimes when we can’t change our circumstances we have to learn a new way of looking at it. But, my frustration still gets the best of me sometimes and that’s ok. I’m not perfect! Denise
Its been 4 years since my RBA and second clipping craniotomy. Im a single dad raising a 17 year almost 18 year old son, work was supportive after the event, but now they are tired of me and trying to fire me for non performing, ive reached out to Drs, Attorneys and the company with no help, if they can’t see it, its not there, but a scan showed grey matter damage that is causing my issues. Im very blessed but some days i just wish it was over and i was gone, Im on Adderall and Latudia for my bipolar symptoms, i don’t act like i used too and its lost me friends, a fiancée, my pride and now it looks like my job of 7 years… i have a back up plan , but as soon as my son graduates and moves on I want to downsize and simplify my life, i met an incredible person who has been very understanding and patient with me, but im in no condition to lead and provide for a family again. This BA took almost everything from me but im still Fighting… im blessed to have people in my corner but reading these comments helps me not to feel so alone, crazy, stupid and broken… thanks for posting here … i need to come back here more often… it may help. With my ups and downs.