An ode to Kevin

[sketchyblonde]

*Note from ModSupport: *
Sketchyblonde is our newest member, and she has suffered a tragic and traumatic life event. Her “Ode to Kevin” is a beautifully crafted chronicle of her tragedy.

You may want to read her profile before proceeding. All you have to do is click on her avatar (turquoise circle with a white “S”) or on this tag >> @sketchyblonde

Seenie from ModSupport

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An Ode to Kevin

I used to lay there sometimes listening to you snore

It sounds so weird but it made me feel ok

Until i couldnt hear you and my stomach would drop

I would poke you lightly, telling you to breath

Id open my eyes wide as i look at you

Trying to hint, do what i do

just in through your nose very loud inhale

out through your mouth loud exhale

Then youd start to snore again

And it would lull me to sleep as i wrap you in my arms

I thought you caught me one time

When i looked up and you were looking back

Dont judge me i said its my biggest fear

To have someone i care about stop breathing when there sleeping

With no one to help them remember how to breath

i do the same thing with my mom i said

Just like i dont know what i would do with out her

I cant even think about what i would do with out you

So suck it up your stuck with me for as long as i can have you.

Your looked at me with a smile on your face

i think you like me i do like you a lot so much it scares me

And then i kissed you and said so how many games did we lose before you fell asleep

Just kidding as i snatched your phone out of your hand and give you a couple more kisses cause i couldnt help it.

The last day i saw you i walked in and you were laying there underneath a blanket

And you looked so cold so i tried to start the fire

But i have no patience and figured meh body heat works faster

As i stood up taking off my jacket you asked me “who are you?”

I looked at you funny and said kelsey “do i know you?” uhm ya you do

Forgetting for a second that you sometimes talk in your sleep

Asking you to move over cause im getting in .

I cant remember how many times you asked those questions

But i answered each one.

I wrapped my arms around you and you said someones not going to like this

I said what,?” theres this girl i really like and shes not going to like you being in my bed

what s her name i asked to which you replied kelsey i smiled and said she wont be mad

You were like i dont know…. Trust me she wont be mad. To which your response was to wake up and say im so cold i cant get warm as you put your arms around me holding me so tight

Did you want me to light the fire

“It makes my head hurt too much”

Awww honey did you want some tylenol i have some in the car i ask giving you kisses all over your face

I took some it didnt help its never hurt this bad before i puked.

Sometimes i get headaches like that when im laying down but when i stand up its manageable.

But maybe we should go to the hospital

I said it four more times and then you fell asleep in that funny way you do

And stupid me thinking maybe im over reacting as i put another blanket on you

And listen to you sleep its okay hes snoring everything is ok i thought

i ll just sit here to make sure your remember how to breath

But then i guess i fell asleep because all i remember is waking up to silence

Hurriedly putting my hand on your back and my ear to your chest

I could have sworn i felt you breathing

I could have sworn i heard your heart beating

I remember thinking kelsey calm down sometimes he doesnt snore

He must have moved his head or something

But when i woke up the next morning to nothing but silence i jumped out of bed

And tried to wake you up kevin wake up kevin i kept saying why arent you responding

Im going to start hitting you kevin kevin. I moved the hood of your sweater off of your face and slowly pushed on your shoulder asking you to respond please respond i dont know why it didnt register that just pushing on someones Shoulder shouldn’t move there whole body or with the way you were laying there was no way you would have been able to breathe but then i saw your face and started yelling warrens name as im grabbing your phone and dialing 911 and running to his place i couldnt stop saying his name ……. Listening to the paramedic telling me to lay you on your back and how to give you chest compressions and to count with him 1234 1234 1234 1234

I hate myself so much its hard for me to breath.

I only knew you for 13 months

Loved you as a friend for 10 months

And knew you were it for me i loved you so much. At 6 months

[Moltroub]

Welcome sketchyblonde to our community! I am so glad you found us.

Your poem about your experience is heart wrenching and I’m deeply saddened that you had to experience the loss of your loved one in this way. But I’m extremely happy that you had the gift of love even if for such a short time. Some people never get the opportunity.

The gift of love is such a priceless emotion there are no words to convey, but you did find those words. Many of our members who experienced the loss of a loved one never can find them. Your willingness to share will open up a path for them, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Eventually you will also find this as a precious gift to celebrate rather than mourn. It will take time.

I truly look forward to all your posts. Thank you so much for sharing.

We are all here for you,
Moltroub

[ladydawg]

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot express anything as eloquently as you did. But as Moltroub said, we are here if you need us.

[iris]

Dear Kelsey,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please think about these months together as an unexpected gift and you will never be alone again. Please take care of yourself and love yourself as he loved you. I know, words seems so useless in these circumstances, but I hope they make you feel that we are here for you and that you are not alone.
I send you a big hug from Europe to Canada. I hope you can feel it.
You can do it, sister!
Iris

[ferret]

Feeling with you, and sending you strength. As Iris said: You can do it, even if it doesn´t feel so now.
It will, later, but it takes time.

[Horseflys]

Feel for you…so very sorry for your loss. What can we do to help?

[sketchyblonde]

My room mate thinks i should be over “this”, for lack of a better word, now i have nowhere to live with my two dogs, i just got a phone (its been a week) and i absolutely hate fridays now and am unable to sleep, its the 3rd friday in a row. Im scared hes not going to wake up the next morning. As stupid as it sounds

[sketchyblonde]

I made a video. I watch it a lot. Thinking she knows exactly what im going through it sounds stupid but its helping

life after you

[Moltroub]

Kelsey, it’s not been a month yet, it’s perfectly good to grieve. I would suggest you to call your local Hospice as they have free bereavement counseling. It will help in the long term. In the meantime, we are always here to listen and help if we can. I know it hurts like hell. You will find that eventually the pain eases somewhat, but you may still get waves and that’s okay. You just need to learn skills that can help you through.

All the best,
Moltroub