Im the same.i dont think or act the same.its like a stranger has my life an im just watching
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Well said.
Good Morning,
My story is long, but I have to tell you a little of my story, so that you can see how I got to where I’m at today.
May 10 th, I will be 3 years post surgery, for my SAH. When mine ruptured, I stayed in bed for four days, thinking it was just a horrific headache that I had. I’ve been a migraine person since my teenage years, so I just thought it was an extremely bad one this time. My adult children, and husband finally convinced me to go to the hospital on day 4, at which time they found my rupture, and two other aneurysms, so I had a total of three. I spent three weeks in ICU and before I went home, they wanted to coil, just one of others.
Since the day I came home, I realized that I was different. I felt that I was more relaxed, or calmer than I was before, however, if something came up that I didn’t agree with, or that agitated me a bit, I would just fly off the handle. My husband and I lived alone, just the two of us. This anger, or flying off the handle, became more and more frequent over the first year. It was bad, I would get so mad, and so angry, yelling and screaming, and this was always followed by a massive headache. My husband would try and talk to me about it afterwards, but I would disagreed with him, saying I didn’t do that, I didn’t say that. We were trying to work through it, but it got to the point where he didn’t want to take me places anymore, because sometimes it would happen in front of friends. At this time we’re now about 2 1/2 years post, and I made contact with my primary care doctor asking for a therapist, psychologist, or neuropsychologist, I knew it was related to the aneurysm, but why, why would it do this to a person. It was taking forever for approval on therapy.
It was now at the 2 1/2 year marker point, and I couldn’t do it anymore, and I’m sure he didn’t want to either. We no longer had quality time together, we actually barely had any time together, he would stay in the garage, most of the day and night, because he didn’t want to have any conflict with me. He left for a weekend, this was about the 3rd or 4th time he had done this, and I was furious. This was the last time he was going to do this to me, leaving me here for another weekend alone. I lived in California, and my daughter lives in Colorado, she said I could come and stay with her so that’s exactly what I did. I packed everything that was mine and left.
Big move for a person who doesn’t have a clear mind! I thought by moving in with my daughter, she could help with my medical issues, and get my doctors appointments straightened out. I had learned that my doctors appointments were a trigger for me, I felt like I had to argue every time I called to get an appointment.
(Brief pause, I can’t see through my tears)
Okay, I’m back. My daughter was a terrific help to me, she and her husband opened up there, beautiful home to me, along with 3 of their children, 12, 12, and 16. She help me get established with all my doctors, neurologist, orthopedic surgeon, and primary care, she even drove me to all of my appointments. It was awesome. Every once in a while, I felt like she would holler at me like she does the kids, scolding me is how it felt. I confronted her about it, and she said she wasn’t yelling at me, but she was, I don’t think she realized it. This happened a couple more times, and then it happened, the fourth time was big! We got into an argument at the kitchen counter, it was early in the morning, and that was all I can remember. I went to bed apparently, but when I woke up in the morning, her and my son-in-law were packing my clothes, again I got angry, what the ** is going on. She said you’re leaving today, you have to catch a plane, I told her I canceled my flight and then we argued some more and she just told me to get the “F” out of her house!!!
So, my son-in-law drove me to rent a car, and I drove 18 hours home, and I remember nothing, absolutely nothing of the he drive, how did I even get here. The flight I had canceled was to visit with my husband, we were still seeing each other, just a long distance, until I could get things straightened out with me.
(Pause, these tears)
I’m just going to jump to the end now.
Again, I remember nothing that happened, just the beginning and end, it’s as if I black out. In the beginning of my story here, I had mentioned that whatever my husband would tell me I did, I didn’t believe him, because I didn’t have any recollection of it happening.
When I got here, to California, needless to say, I was a hot mess.
My stomach was sick for the first two months, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t get out of bed, it was terrible. So at this point, I began reading, and reading, and reading. I watched YouTube videos with Neurosurgeons speaking on aneurysms, and strokes, this is about the time I stumbled upon this group. I also stumbled upon a podcast. It has been, probably the best thing that could’ve happened to me, it was called The Nuro nerds, and the gentleman was podcasting from the TAAF walk, for aneurysms and AVMs Survivors, in San Francisco. I listen to the whole thing it was about two hours long, maybe more. At the end of the podcast, he gave his contact information, so I reached out, he got back to me in less than 15 minutes, so now, I’m in another group called Heartbeat
I’ve learned through all my studying, that we can’t do this alone, the support groups are so important for us, you have to be able to talk to people that can understand, and the normal people don’t get it. Reading other people’s stories, or even one on one talks, it’s very helpful, or has been for me.
It’s like we have an invisible disease, if you can’t see it, it’s not there. In my eyes, I’ve paid a high price to survive. Sometimes I just look up to the sky, and say, why, I know there’s a reason you pulled me through this, but what is it, give me some kind of sign. I started journaling, I bought a gratitude journal, which has prompts, they really help, and it’s all positive. In mine, you journal in the morning and in the evening. It helps a lot, believe it or not. I also decided to write a quote at the end of each evening.
I’ve taught myself to breathe, it seems to help.
I find when my heart starts palpitating, and that anger feeling starts creeping up, if I stop and take deep breaths in, and exhale slowly a few times, that it helps out. In the beginning, my husband would look at me and say, what are you doing, breathing exercises, they help me relax. Lol I’ve also learned to pause before I speak, this one’s hard for me. Go Positive, respond, don’t react, I pause for a minute, and adjust my response, this is something my husband has really noticed.
I’m still here in California, it took me two months, but I finally found a therapist, (it was rough, but I did it, and I did it all by myself.) My evaluation is complete, next step is Cognitive testing.
I miss me, the old happy, careless and wild me!
I’ve finally accepted that, she’s gone now, and I am getting to know, and learning to love the new me !!!
Quote:
I am under construction, reinventing myself, rewriting my story, searching for purpose, wrapped in caution tape, until I find the meaning behind all of this.
I am in repair, searching my soul for reason that makes it all rhyme, with a little sense. Find me under the light when I pave the path out of this dark.
My story is only beginning, I hope you stay to read the end
Quote:
Learning to love yourself is a lifelong process.
No matter how hard it gets, I’m going to make it!
Karen
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Hard story but with wonderful, excellent advice! Thank you so much for sharing.
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