Happy to read you haven’t had a migraine this week! Toddlers and their screaming can be nerve wracking to say the least. Have you tried the “quiet game”. I did it when one of our nephews was at that age, before I ruptured thankfully. We would all play to see who could stay quiet the longest. His sister is a couple years older and she was all into it being a quiet person.
Divorce can be very hard on children. At that age they’re feeling all the stress from their parents and of course their own lives are also in upheaval. Perhaps try coloring with them. When they throw tantrums, send them to their room for a time out. When they calm down and finish their few minutes of time out (doesn’t start until the tantrum is over) talk to them and find out what’s upsetting them so much. Perhaps suggesting they use their words will have better effect than screaming, it’s what I did with my nieces and nephew when my sister and her husband were going through a divorce. It worked. We colored a lot, played with blocks, followed my mom’s rule of only three toys out at a time. Made a game out of putting up toys. My sister wasn’t following that rule at her home. Seems everything that worked for them was interacting and playing games they liked. We didn’t have computers back then. If they fought over a toy, we just put the toy up where they couldn’t reach it and of course they went into time out for fighting. For kids I worked with -time out and loss of electronic game which they had to earn back. They learn even at that age. Just be consistent at home with them when they’re at your place. Before I became a SW, I was a HRI worker working with children with horrible behaviors that were heading them to outside placements. Back then I would tell caregivers if you promise to take them for ice cream, take them for ice cream. If you promise to “whoop them into next Sunday” whoop them. Mean what you say and say what you mean was probably the hardest thing I had to teach caregivers. As a SW, I couldn’t say that because many times caregivers use “Improper Discipline” which had “risen to the level” of CPS involvement. So the teaching was tweaked, parents or caregivers got a time out and children sent to their rooms. The adult got to do whatever it took for them to calm down while hopefully the children were safe in their rooms.
Since I ruptured, I can’t be around young ‘uns when they get upset. Gives me a headache, makes my right eye works weirdly so I’ve got to close it. I’ve got medication to take if I need it. Usually I just walk outside, but there are always other adults around.
The other thing I can think of is to have your son’s attorney ask the Judge to send her to parenting classes, there’s bound to be one in the county, hopefully it’s a good one. In my experience, which of course is not likely the norm of folks not in CPS, undisciplined children get hurt and they learn to play parents or caregivers against each other. Might be a good time for the three of you to set some ground rules on discipline that can be used at both homes. Maybe the Judge can order that as well.
All very good suggestions. Especially the parenting class for both of them. They are allowed to behave badly. But this no discipline is and will continue to make the children’s lives hard. I now see not showing them right and wrong looks like a form of neglect also. Relatives don’t want to visit or be around them - even the children.
I don’t go places with them anymore due to screaming in the vehicle. I can’t take it. I don’t have a vehicle but I am able to walk to some places. I believe the choice I made to move in with son is not a good one for my health. So I will try to hang in here as best as I can for now.
I’m happy to share my education and experience, I rarely get to do that anymore, so thank you! It sounds like you’ve moved in to a messy divorce, I feel for you. It also sounds like your son is exhausted with the mess and trying to figure things out. So he may not be as compassionate as you raised him to be. What did he do with the boys before you moved in to help out? Try to get as much time as you can for you.
I once had a young female client as an HRI (High Risk Intervention) worker back in the late ‘90’s I think it was. She was between 3 and 4, went to day care and lived with Grandparents as her caregivers. She threw some nasty temper tantrums, daycare and GPs were at wits end. Her therapist requested an HRI worker and I was assigned. The first few weeks were pretty rough, then one day I suggested GPs remove all her toys due to some significant damage to the home she had done. They complied and put them in the closet with the understanding that positive behavior would earn one back. If she complied to their requests, without an argument she could earn several back. Of course there was a chart on the refrigerator she could see and earn stickers for good behavior. Little kids like stickers. Weekend passed, went back to the house and they had bought her a plethora of toys with money they really didn’t have both already retired. The closet still overflowing with toys. The days I worked with her in daycare were slightly better. Probably due to peer pressure more than anything else. So we worked on her making friends. Unfortunately because the GPs kept caving in to her demands she ended up in therapeutic foster care, her behavior was really bad.
So a couple of suggestions, can the parents put the boys in day care? If they are low income, there is always Early Head Start and Head Start which can be helpful if they qualify. It will also give you a break during those hours. Head Start is also a way to connect children to therapists who specialize with developmental skills. The therapist will also work with the parents in developing better parenting skills. So a “back door” or “round about” way of getting help for everyone.
Sorry this is off topic, I am really trying to help reduce your stress load. I don’t know if lack of discipline rises to the level of CPS involvement in California, you would have to read over the CA CPS mandates which aren’t quite the same as NC’s. I know NC used to have Outreaches which we did a lot of when the report didn’t rise to the level but the issues reported were concerning enough to try to get ahead of it without CPS mandated involvement. However, when the State and Federal Government started changing and adding a plethora of paperwork and increasing the number of mandated time each person in the family unit had to receive, those couldn’t be done anymore, we were always short staffed it seemed. When I ruptured, there were but three of us who did On Call. After I ruptured the first year, they went to five SWs! It seems the younger ones didn’t like the work load and complained more than us old foggeys😂.
I’ve started this thread under a new topic in Support. If you’d rather not have it let me know and I can delete the entire thing. My thinking is you’re definitely not alone and juggling everything as you are may just help another member as well.
No I need it and much appreciate it. By being honest with him and others while visiting his church that noise hurts my head now. My son has put his television to volume 50. Seriously.
BH had a friend who was really supportive when I was hanging around in bed at Baptist. He developed inoperable cancer, started in his eye and then went to brain so we’d drive up to VA and spend Sunday at his church and get lunch. The church was very loud, the live music even louder, I wore my sunglasses to deal with the bright flashing lights and my isoTunes to deal with the noise. Levi didn’t care and told others to back off when they’d get to talking about me wearing them in church. If you’ve got ear plugs wear them, please!
It’s taken me years to be able to tolerate some noise of a tv where others can hear it. Did you know there are apps that will register decibel levels?
Hopefully some parents, grandparents or those members who’ve been around temper tantrums can share what worked for them.