Brain Aneurysm Support Community

Max of 20

“How would you rate the thrill you got from gambling, on a scale of one to 100?”
“Um… hundred.”
“And what about the biggest thrill you’ve ever had outside of gambling?”
“Twenty.”
“How would you feel about living the rest of your life with a max of 20?”
“OK. 20 is OK.”

In the movie Owning Mahowny, this is part of a conversation between Dan Mahowny (played by the brilliant Philip Seymour Hoffman) when he receives counseling after embezzling money from a bank to feed his gambling addiction. The most difficult thing I’ve had do deal with in my emotional recovery is my inability to find joy in my experiences. It’s difficult to be motivated. I sometimes think of this quotation. It’s difficult to decipher whether Mahowny is legitimately fine with living the rest of his life with a max of 20. For me, there are days when I’m comfortable, and there are days when I’m not. I’ve accepted that’s going to be part of the journey.

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You’re not alone. I feel the same way. I’m seven years post (SAH), it’s been a journey, and I’m still on the ride. Everyday brings new emotions, some good, some not so good. We are here and we have a story to tell. We are strong, brave, and we survived. Stay encouraged. Live❤️

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Thank you so much for your post. I just passed 2 years post SAH, and while I’m more at ease with my adjustment to everything, it’s also reassuring to read what you’ve written. It’s comforting. I truly appreciate it, and I hope you are well.

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Wow Stephen thanks for the post! Well said, you have described exactly how I have felt for the past 7 mo. Staying strong and have faith that I will feel normal again. Still in the process of accepting this journey and things will get better. There is comfort knowing that I am not alone fighting post surgery. We got this!

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Thank you so much for reaching out. You are definitely not alone. I’ve realized most of my experiences have been universal even though they seem personal. Regardless of what happens, we will both continue to adjust and everything will be less overwhelming. In the meantime, hang in there. We do, indeed, have this!

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