Idk man I just don't know anymore

Hi again btw so rude of me my name is jd Alvarez go look me up see why doctors have a hard time I been trew it all from therapist going to vacation not being see me for months to my own mother telling me she done trying again to my wife telling me u should of died instead your too much and toxic to doctors not knowing what to do with me so they give me 4 months appointments so I can get tired of waitting but wait just found out my medical only pays for one year of treatment but all been getting is radiation from all these ct and x Ray’s testing for what… nothing absolutely nothing to atleast let me read my medical records oh due to the 911 terrorist attack we were only able to retrieve some part of your medical records looks like I’m done and NO is not a suicide note at all I mean im.done trying people dont understand how much it hurts me to blink breath the normal stuff this happen to me 2010 what shocks me the most nobody I mean nobody not even myself have I stop and talk to myself nobody has ask me ARE YOU OKAY MAN JEEZ brain aneurysm is a normal thing to people now in days I recently went to a UCLA support group tell me I wasn’t welcome because they support group was for not erupted aneurysms o…mm…g so mines more serious I just want answers getting more test getting more help is not and wont help I chose a corner of my apartment I made it all black I’m staying there never coming out I haven’t slept I still eat cause I smoke weed but running out of that soon since dpps wants to out of no where cut my benifits I have them everything but they know I cant come out to the sun so they want me to suffer I’m done no no no no more what else can I say I just love life in every for and shape sometimes i hear the news oh my what’s the heck is going on i dont remember when all this happen but if you read this and feel.the same man all.i can say is hang in there i hope we will make it alright

Hey JD,
I can truly empathise with you and the situation. I went through something similar many years ago, being told ‘There’s nothing wrong, nothing wrong and nothing wrong’ Something wasn’t right and the medicos decided it was all just ‘Me’, I wasn’t right in the head and was labelled a hypochondriac. All of this only added to the stresses as if the stresses weren’t big enough already. So I ignored symptoms for a long time and didn’t say a word for fear of judgement. Then I had a major incident and the dr’s came out with the line of “…Ohh, look what we found…” I was so, so angry. I’d been telling these dr’s (and family) for years something wasn’t right and only now do they agree.

Some people have an unquestioning, 100% faith/belief in the dr’s, but once you’ve been falsely ‘labelled’ that faith or trust is somewhere between diminished to destroyed. Some people are of the opinion that my judgement of the medicos is unfair or unjustified. I disagree, IMHO their opinion or judgement of me has been proven to be unjustified. But very few of them will ever acknowledge this fact.

I have often stated ‘Sometimes I think it would be easier if I’d lost a limb, people would be able to see the issue…’ but with it all being internal and invisible having others comprehend the full realities of it all is impossible. Some of my symptoms are just weird ie I sweat when it’s cold or get tingles in my hands and feet or a sensitivity to light and when others hear of them they give me that look of ‘You’re joking. Right?’ but this ain’t no joke. Again as I’m often saying “Some people think we are in this situation by choice. Who on earth would choose this? Not I, that’s for damn sure”.

“…I just want answers…” as do we all, but, please be prepared for this as it may occur, if it hasn’t already. You could be given EVERY other explanation for your symptoms. You smoke weed, so they will point at that as a contributing factor. If you’re taking painkillers, they will often blame that as a contributing factor and then for those symptoms they have no answer for they’ll give you those strange looks and tell you it could be a psychological issue. I say all of this because this is EXACTLY what occurred to me. Even now, some 20+years since I had my first neurosurgical procedure I still haven’t got ‘answers’. In their view, they operated, they fixed. But this is all FAR from fixed.

But please know you certainly are NOT the only one going through all of this and all we can really do is manage the best way we can. Trying to get others to understand it all is near on impossible. As somebody else on Ben’s Friends has stated the reality of brain conditions is that ‘you only know it if you live it’ and from my experience this is all VERY true.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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