My tolerance for people telling me that I’m safe now, and how lucky I am, and how grateful I should be - it’s making me actually increasingly frustrated. I know I’m lucky and I am grateful, but on the other hand no I don’t feel lucky - I have aneurysms and 3 young kids. This does not make me a lucky person. I don’t feel like nothing’s wrong right now, some things are very wrong, and potentially life altering or life ending. I guess it’s just a day or a few days where living in the moment has been hard. Other than here, I feel really alone with this. I’m getting to the point where I don’t even want to talk about it anymore, or just tell people I’m fine, because they don’t know what to say anyway, or they just say the above comments. I think it makes THEM feel better to believe that all is well and I’m fixed and lucky. I’m being grouchy I guess. But it’s too soon for me, at least, to feel okay and safe and lucky. I guess I need a major attitued adjustment. Sorry. Don’t want to bring anybody down - just sitting in the pity boat right now.
Listen, the way I see it is that we have the right to sit in that pity boat as you so call it. Unless your talking with people that have gone through this then people don't understand!!!!..There is no possible way that even the people that are closest to you can understand how you feel both in your heart and your head. We have the right to throw ourselves a little pitty party once in a while. The point is to make it a little pitty party and not have it last. One day is good the next might not be as good. We have to live with that right now and try to think positive and think of other things that bring smiles. Like those 3 kids of your's!...
Reality is that we don't walk around with glowing smiles 24/7...We all get the same reactions that you do, that's the reaction we would give if it were someone else and not us.
Chin up my friend, remember the good and bad times is exactly what we are all here for!!!
Good Morning Jennifer. I hear what you are saying and believe me I know just how it feels. They tell us how lucky we are. They tell us how grateful we should be. The best is when they would tell me "I would never know it." Are you kidding me? They would never know that I have been coiled and clipped. I would wake up, look in the mirror and say to myself "who is this person?" I want my memory back. I want to speak the way I did before this craniotomy. I want to be able to focus. I want to accomplish something today, anything today. I want to be able to read like I used too. I would just cry because I hated this person. This is not Donna. So many days I thought it would have been better if I died instead of being this person. But then Jennifer I would not have seen my youngest graduate college, my daughter get married, my oldest get engaged and now planning his wedding. Your coiling was just done in October. It is early in your recovery. As time passes (for me it was a long time), you will get to the stage of acceptance. You see although it is not our choice, it is the path that has been laid out for us so we have to try to make the best of it. The people will stop making comments. Your children will go to proms, date, graduate high school, go to college, get married, even just to be at their birthdays every year, etc. and you will be grateful to be here to share these events. This is still fresh. I promise you it will get better. If you ever need to vent, to just talk, whatever you need, I will be here for you. I hope you have a better day today. Remember there will be good days and bad days. I wish for you more good days than bad. Take care.
I am a rupture aneurysm survivor My life changed in a moment. I had my rupture in 2008.I had no warning. I woke up in the bottom of my shower and the journey began. The one thing I can say to you is we never know when our last moment will happen.Please try to live for right now.Make special moments the kids will treasure right now. I went thru so many regrets as I was fighting for my life the days following the surgery. I learned one thing be as positive as you can with the ones around you they dont know what we have been thru or are going thru. I try hard even on my worst days to let them know that i love them give while we can. My sons and husband and friends can tell you its hard but with love we can treasure the time we are here. And as far as that statement we get about being gratefull. I just knew if someone said it to me again I was gonna explode. It was said again I didnt explode now I say Live , Love, and laugh and place the rest in our creators hands. This will pass. Make the most out of today. Smile Keeping you in thoughts and prayers have a great day
I think some people handle adversity by pretending it doesn’t exist. They don’t want anything to be wrong with you so they just decide there isn’t. I also think nobody can know how someone else truly feels and have no right to decide how they should feel. I am a survivor and am living with another one but I don’t know how you do or should feel. I can empathize but you are you.
The first two sentences of this comment are so true. You are an intelligent man Thomas and I always read what you have to say. In fact, I have learned from you. I would like to discuss empathy with you. According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, with empathy to an extent you are placing yourself in the persons place, you have a good sense of how they feel, and you also understand their feelings to some degree. Please help me to understand how no one else could know how someone feels. Have you ever read a comment and thought to yourself, I could have written that or that is exactly what happened to me. Please Thomas do not misunderstand this comment. I am trying understand, trying to learn and maybe I am not comprehending your thought correctly. Please get back to me. Thanks.
I, too can relate to what you’re going though. It seems those around us are more comfortable (and feel they’re helping us) not focusing on this. Since I didn’t die, I feel I shouldn’t talk about it. I’m not upset with them, I’m just upset. If they thought my reaction to their “you’re so lucky” etc comments was anything but thankful and grateful I know they’d be devastated. It really is a strange place to be. I feel all alone even with very supportive family and friends. The worst is over for them but WE live with this daily. I guess I’m taking the denial route and trying not to think about it. As soon as all these tests are over with and I (hopefully) don’t have to have surgery, perhaps that will work. I know it will make those around me more comfortable anyway.
You are so right Mitch. We do “live with this daily.”
This post has really made an impact. Can't thank you enough!
I mean that nobody can truly fully know exactly how another person feels because we are unique. Like you wrote we can imagine how someone feels but part of that is us projecting how we would feel in that situation. At least we can all share some common experiences. It’s the how we react to and deal
with them part that is known only to ourselves unless we share. And yes that’s where the empathy comes in.
Thanks Thomas. Now I understand. I see what I missed. Now it is clear.
I am very interested in Buddhism. I think I got a little Zen on you.
A million thank-you's to you all. The support here is unmatched, and so appreciated. Today has found me still pretty down, but I'm trying to accept that this is just a part of the process, and not get to harsh with myself about it. I do know I'll have plenty of good moments and days - I think I've just bumped hard into the sense of alone-ness that I feel with this. But not alone here, which is so hugely helpful. I wish we could all magically be in the same city and have a great get-together. But our virtual city will have to do.
I so understand what you are saying...it puts people and things in perspective...I have found less tolerance for petty or meaningless talk...and right now...choosing things and people in my life more wisely...
again...I think this is part of "survivor" feelings...
Hope today gets better for You...Hugs Colleen
Hi Jennifer. In my opinion: You're aloud to vent. If self pitty is what you need to do right now - then do it.
I've had my moments where I just stayed away from people completly. I wallowed in my self pitty too at different times. A good cry is good for the soul. It's seems to run it's course, then I was fine again. Sit and cry or punch a pillow, do what ever it takes to get it out of your system. As long as we don't take it out on someone else. I believe it's good for us let it out.
I agree Ben. “As long as we don’t take it out on someone else.” Important issue to bring up. Sometimes we may not realize that we are doing this.
Jennifer, I know what you mean, especially for me is when a doctor says you don’t know how lucky you are! I have got to a point where i just tell others I am fine, because if I really tell them how I feel they get this look that says I have heard this before-like I have felt so bad for so long that I am leaching others feelings. This is the site where I go to complain because I feel others here know what you are going through. Family members do like to feel, esepcially once surgery is over with, that you are the person you was before-and I think family members need to understand this is not always so.
Thanks again everyone - your support means the world to me. I was talking w a friend today who’s been through more than her share of trials in life, and she said that when people (who know some of what she’s been through) ask how she is, she doesn’t say FINE because thing’s aren’t FINE, but she says GOOD, and then asks right away how they are. It’s a subtle distinction, but I like it - it feels more honest to me, the difference between fine and good. I can be VERY VERY VERY good in many many moments! But do I yet feel overall FINE? Not really. And that’s ok - it’s not really fine to have aneurysms, but I can be good. Mincing words, maybe, but I don’t know…her words just made sense to me. And, I’m GOOD right now! Just saw The King’s Speech - great great movie - highly recommend it. Loved Black Swan too, but I’m a former dancer so I was predisposed to like that one! No headache for nearly 3 days running, warm and sunny today, eveyone healthy and content in my house (except my nutcase dog who just jumped off my lap yapping about something only he can hear…), It’s a good evening. And, I wish that to all of you as well!
Jennifer, 3 days without a headache, keep the fingers crossed. It may turn into 3 weeks or longer. :)
I tell people I'm good all of the time. Only my closest friends know it's not true. If they ask me, then I will tell them. But, I don't into any detail of it. It is, what it is.
Oh, I guess I should tell you of my symptoms: I suffer with chronic pain, migrains, cervical dystonia, non-epileptic seizures, and body tremors. Walking of any distance is hard for me. This is a daily thing for me any more. Thankfully, my friends all understand it, if I can't do anything or go any where with them on any given day. I fib all of the time if how I'm feeling. I find it easier that way. Ha Ha
Sometimes people at work will ask how I am and I saw “I woke up this morning. That’s a pretty good start.”