The new "normal"

I've noted that a lot of us here sometimes feel alone in our personal tragedies; myself included. I actually 'do' have a wonderful support system in that I have a fantastic family who has been by my side every step of the way. What I've found in all of this is that my introspection level is through the roof. I've never been a religious person and while I'm still not in the traditional sense, I am very much a spiritual person. I have always, personally, believed that 'God' is an energy. While I've studied all religions, I developed my own theory after having a dream when I was 21 of 'God'. I won't subject you to the details but feel it's import to share nevertheless. I remember being in my hospital bed feeling a palpable energy around me. I remember reading my friends facebook pages where they asked their own church members to pray for me. I remember crying because I was humbled by that fact, and the fact that I could actually 'feel' the spiritual energy of countless peoples' prayers. 'Moving' doesn't even begin to describe it. Since getting out of the hospital and throughout the last year, I've struggled with guilt. I cry more.. out of joy and sadness for others tragedies. I am more emotional. Yet while I mention this, I have relatively few side effects, I appear to be the same person, albeit heavier, and my memory is still fairly sharp. I still question 'why' was I exempt from death? How come others suffered more? What is my purpose? When laying there dying, I telepathically spoke with my God and stated that while I really didn't 'wan't' to go, I supposed I would if I had to. I really had hoped to see my grand-children someday but that if it was my time; it was my time. I felt heart heavy as I pictured myself rocking grandbabies I'd never see. But each day, I woke up and I could answer all of the questions and pass all of the neuro tests. Each day, I looked up towards the heavens and said a simple "Thank You". They called me the 'miracle girl' in the hospital. The fact that I had an aneurysm that was 12.1 mm AFTER rupture and filled with 17 coils and woke up from it relatively 'normal'. I get really annoying headaches that keep me from working somewhat frequently. I miss work because of it and I feel like people are judging me; assuming that I'm faking it. I've read on here that others have experienced the same thing. I sometimes stutter trying to find the words I seek. I joke that I've turned in Foghorn Leghorn since my aneurysm. I have to write myself notes so that I don't forget things and schedule calendar alerts. Obviously, I didn't come out totally unscathed. A lot has changed on the inside. I want to yell at my bosses that just because I seem the same doesn't mean I am the same. I work to what's expected of me now and have no desire to go above and beyond. I know that I need the paycheck but I could care less if I ever get promoted again. It really isn't that important to me anymore. I think that's the best thing to come of this-- an aneurysm truly does force one to reconsider their priorities. I am NOT the same person and I never will be. I know full well that I have PTSD as my headaches are more tension based. I have Xanax for when I get really stressed. I've always been a high stress person and took meds for that prior to my aneurysm. I was in a bad marriage for 10 years, got divorced and was a single Mom of 3 girls for 7 years. It's truly amazing my head didn't blow before! HA! My rock of support is my now husband. He took care of everything for me when all of this happened. I told him that while I wasn't testing him, had I been... he passed. I am not one to relinquish control easily and not only did I not have a choice but knowing that, I wasn't stressed with him in control of my life and family. There is a difference between someone being 'in control' and being 'controlling'. He is the only person in my life whom I trust completely. He recognizes that I have changed and supports me for it. He listens to me talk about my aneurysm (can't call them 'annies' -- it ruins the musical "Annie" for me by calling it that... although, the sun will come out tomorrow!) incessantly. I love that he embraces the 'new' normal and I married him without hesitation on 8/6/11. I was in bed today with a headache and decided to watch Oprah Lifeclass. I was never a die hard Oprah fan although I've always respected her. These Life Classes though are worth the watch. They are uplifting, educational and inspirational. The one I watched today she spoke of how people will say "I just want things to go back to normal." but when tragedy strikes, we must learn to create a "new normal". It struck a chord in me and prompted me to write all of this. I am grateful that I found this forum and appreciate that there are people here who 'get' me. Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings with you all. A toast to the 'new normal'!

Hi there thanks for that I might show it my boss if thats ok cause I still get terrible headaches, and she thinks I am putting it on. Some days it is hard going but I have to for my two children. Mine ruptured on 7th September 2002. I had another operated on in Jan 2003. I had my first child October 2003 against my midwifes wishes she thought it would kill me, and I had my second child September 2007. Unless people have been through it themselves they just don’t understand it. I get up and carry on everyday for my children and although I seem the way I was before I ain’t not completely. Thanks again. And glad you seem to have recovered well.

Feel free to show your boss Jessica. I'm not sure how the laws work in the UK but in the U.S. we can use what we call FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). It's a form of time off that's protected by law so that your job is protected for intermittent health issues. I'm currently using FMLA for my headaches. On a side note and for what it's worth, I've been to Wolverhampton. I have a friend who was in the RAF and I joined him at RAF Cosford at the Battle of Britain Ball many years ago. It's nice to meet you!

Hi Karen...I found myself teary ~ eyed reading this Husband was and remains to be a rock for me through all my "new normal"...somuch of what you are feeling, I too matter what, a Life / Death experiences changes one's life and how we approach life...

Cyber...Prayers and Thoughts your way...Colleen

OMGosh, Karen, I could have written that story minus the dreams, and promotions (i was assistant manager and my manager is the owner)!!!:):) It really is eery how similar everything sounds. There are a few discrepancies and you are a gifted storyteller so you pretty much told my story for me!!!:) Thank you!! BTW The "annie" part doesn't bother me, either. It's really strange how everything can seem the same for someone when it seems so unusual to us!! xoxo

Thanks for that. We go to raf cosford it is great there my kids love it. Gonna look into that family medical leave bet we have something similar here and if there is I am the one who will find it lol. Hope to chat soon.

Colleen, thank you for your kind words. I agree completely that a life/death experience totally changes one's life and how we approach it!

Thank you Mandy! It's nice to find people who relate to me. It's tough when you feel like nobody else out there can understand how you/I feel. I appreciate the support!