Smoking Relapse

I'm so ashamed to say that I have had a smoking relapse. I was smoke free for 8 months since my ruptured annie in Sept. 2010. Then I went 8 months without smoking. Then about 3 weeks ago, since I was feeling completely back to normal and myself again, I smoked a cig on a stressful day at work.

Since then, I have a pack I keep. I'm a secret smoker. Have been for 3 weeks. I have been headache free all this time and now I'm getting headaches again. I'm scared I did some more damage.

I have pretty much been in denial. Saying nothing is wrong with me now that my hair is growing back and I have no problems, no headaches, nothing. Until now. I was back to me again. And part of me used to be smoking. So I wanted to go back to being all of me, if that makes sense.

I've totally screwed up. I know I should just throw them away. Once the annie's are fixed, will smoking cause more? Would 3 weeks of smoking do it? I'm only smoking a few puffs here and there and have only gone through 2 packs in 3 weeks. Most times I just stare at it and don't smoke it. I know I shouldn't inhale, but.......... (and it's only cigarettes I smoke!)

Yell, preach, scold, tell me whatever it is I need to know. I deserve it and I think I'm asking for it so I can stop. I don't want to die or go through another ruptured annie.

I'm also asking God for help. I know he saved my life through all this.

Read the research article I posted 5 minutes before you posted this!!!

First....the main and best thing is that you are getting honest with yourself and trying to get some accountability by posting here ---- GOOD.

I totally totally understand "I was back to me again. And part of me used to be smoking. So I wanted to go back to being all of me, if that makes sense." I don't know - maybe it won't make sense to others, but I completely understand. It's almost like (sick) proof that everything is okay, that it never happened, that it's all better - whatever. But it's almost like a defiance to let this damn aneurysm change your life, right? I'm guessing based on my own feelings and experiences. Personally, I've gotten myself into trouble before by losing too much weight, and know intellectually that I should do everything to keep myself in top health condition, and that losing wt would be bad for me (mind and body), yet the pull is SO strong, especially since it's the way I've historically dealt with stress, and this has been the most stressful time ever. So of course there's the desire to rely on those old, familiar coping mechanisms.

I'm trying to fight my impulses, and so are you.

I can't imagine that you've already done any major damage, But you must stop. And I know that that's what you're wanting to hear - so STOP damn it! That said, it's an addiction, and a tough one to break, so get the support you need, and don't assume you can "just" stop. But remember, you did go 8mos w/o smoking, so you can do that, and more, again.

Please keep writing! And post on my wall if you want more direct support - I don't always stay on top of posts, tho I will try to keep checking yours.

Your recent headaches are your body telling you that it's NOT HAPPY and that it's not okay to smoke. LISTEN!!!!!!

Thanks for being honest.

Jaycie

Glad you are able to share this...hope you can with your home-team support...

When you want the cig...feel driven by it...try writing your thoughts/feelings... and what was occurring at the time the desire hit...Review them if there is a next time ...and comapre your thoughts / feelings, whatever may have been occurring at the time...If this does not help you strongly enough, see a specialist... i.e. your PCP, etc... your fear of smoking may also add to your sense of stress...

Prayers that you meet your desire/decision...what your family would want/expect and the support they give to you...

Buffee, so strange that you posted this just now...I was a smoker since my very early teens...I have not smoked since my rupture! I just went to the neurosurgeon this past Monday for followup of my last angiogram. Was told that all 4 of my aneurysms are repaired! Restrictions have been lifted. I did not ask about smoking, but she said to me there is only one restriction & that is to NOT smoke EVER again!!! Seems like that is the #1 thing to avoid at all cost! I know that its easier said than done, but please please try to stop!!! And only you can do that for you! Just know you have come so far! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Terry

((((Buffee))))

I so like what everyone had written to you on the subject matter...

Please forgive yourself for smoking...chit happens...now take that pack and throw them away...(I understand what you are saying "about being normal"...you want to be everything "good or bad" you were b4 the ruptured annie...)

Guess What? None of us ever will...there was us b4 the annie and then us after the annie...acceptance is what you need to work on...and forgiveness...you are human...

You know you are stronger then the addiction...Sending prayers, thoughts your way...but most of all...a Cyber~hug...Colleen

Thank you Karen!

Soooooo felt the need to comment on your post,

I am a newbie to this site but have blogged twice, one was to introduce myself, and the second was to Thank members for their kind words, and how other members blogs and stories had really helped me and gave me hope and it was one of your blogs that stood out from the rest, LONG TERM SURVIVORS - and the comments left, It gave me hope and the positive thinking I so needed and for that I am grateful, so now wish to share and give support to you. I had smoked for 20 years but gave up 2 years ago, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, apart from dealing with this Anne. The craving has never gone away and if there was one time I really could have relapsed and had a ciggie it has been the past month or so, and many times I have thought just one to relieve the stress, but the one thing that has stopped me is the knowledge, that it may well have been the previous 20 years of smoking that led me to being a member of this Anne club, and the fact that Smoking is a major factor in annes rupturing, re-rupture and leaking scares the craving right out of me.. If you were strong enough to stop whilst going through what must have been the hardest part of your journey (post Surgery) then I'm sure you can find the strength to quit again now. Not yelling….or wishing to preach……(although a" time out" seems pretty appropriate) but sending hopeful thoughts you quit again soon.

Gaynor

Please throw the cigs away. I smoked since I was in my teens-except when I was pregnant (they made me sick) and when my annie was found I began working towards quitting and was able to quit shortly afterwards. But I also realized my triggers and quit them, too. I don’t drink any alcohol now (because alcohol and cigs, for me, seem to go together). One thing annie has taught me is how precious my life is, when I get a craving I just think I want to live and see my daughters wedding, I want to live and see my first grandchild,-and this list continues to grow.

Sturdy...I am so glad to see you here...How have you been?

I know what your going thu, I was a smoker for many years, stop in 1976 and it was the best thing I ever did for my self, food taste better, You smell better and I feel better, It wasn't easy, I got rid of all ash trays, cleaned the car and won't let anybody smoke around me. and I threw all cigs. away. I'm one of them mean people with a sign on my door and keep pennys in my car ash tray. people are pretty good about it, they just go outside and smoke. The only way I could do it was get away from it. My husband stopped at the same time. family should understand that it can kill you if you don't stop. I will be thinking about you good luck, we all know how hard it is and will not be down on you if you can't make it, but please try.

I am so glad you shared this, I was a smoker pre ruptured anne (three months ago) and have not had a cigarette since though my oh my do I fancy one, it is sooooooooo hard at times but when this feeling comes on I just think about the surgery, what I put my family and myself through and try and gain strength from that, I also have an un ruptured anne which gives me the insentive to stay smoke free as I don't want to give it reason to rupture. I tried numerous times to give up before and failed and if I cannot do it for this reason I know I will not do it at all.

May you find the strength from somewhere to stop, keep blogging and let me know how you are doing.

I also thank God for giving me today and all the days to come

Jill x

I just smoked my first cigarette since December 5, the day mine ruptured. I am so utterly discusted with myself and the fact that I allowed someone else’s bullshit to put the damn thing in my mouth. I will not be smoking another. As far as the damage is concenred my neurologist unequivocally told me that smoking is to blame for my aneurysm. I don’t think that the one I just smoked caused any damage, but I have risked picking them back up again, and that will damn sure cause damage to my health. All I can do is not smoke one day at a time. I’ll start again tomorrow and hope it is a smoke free day.

My grand-daugther’S good friend just fell over dead from a brain anuerysm a few days ago, she was only 31 and a very heavy smoker. if you can at all STOP the doctors can only do so much. I had to get away from it, and it was still hard, family and friends should care enough to help you and try to keep you away from it. I was in a room with 2 other people. they both died and thank God I’m still here. I died and they werE able to bring me back THIS IS A KILLER IF YOU DON’T TAKE CARE AND DO AS YOUR TOLD. LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR, PLEASE