Looking for caretaker advice

My husband had a ruptured brain aneurysm and stroke in 2018. He can’t work now, on disability. He was a welder & crane operator. We have a 13 year old son. This mat sound strange, husband’s personality changes when sun goes down. He becomes impatient, reactive, verbally nasty and aggressive at times. I’m at wit’s end. Our family life is so negative anymore. I’ve become more concerned about our son than my husband. I know that’s terrible…

No Lindy, that’s not terrible at all, your children should always come first. This may sound a bit odd, coming from a male, but for many of us men the coming to terms with some of the changes that occur can be really difficult. There are societal norms were we are seen as the providers, the bread winners. We are expected to be ‘the strong’ males. When we cannot meet these expectations for ourselves it can often diminish our own self worth. That is not to say that these are at all your expectations but they are society’s view of the male role.
Personally I had or have a huge battle with myself trying to accept these changes which to be honest we have no control over and yet we seem to have our own expectations tat we can’t meet. This can be VERY frustrating for everybody involved, especially for us the patient. I had to accept that I needed help to deal with all of this and that again is a very un-male thing, to ask for help.
You may possibly be able to discuss this with your own pcp, what options are available? How can you assist your husband to try and manage all of this. Look, we completely understand just how difficult all of this can be and if your husband is OK in the morning period, you maybe able to discuss options with him in the morning, but avoid such discussions in the afternoon/evening.

Please do let us know how things go. Others here may have other options or suggestions on how to manage around it all, but we know it is not easy.

Merl from the Moderator Support Team

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Welcome Lindy! Merl is on the ball with his advice :slight_smile: males are socially trained differently than females even in this age. Your safety and the safety of your son are paramount!

I’ve found this article that may help somewhat https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5066431/

Also you may want to talk to his PCP or Neurologist about Sundowner’s syndrome or sun downing https://www.webmd.com/alzheimers/guide/manage-sundowning#1

When we rupture, we are much more likely to develop dementia or so I’m told. And it’s amazing that we rarely speak about it. Here’s this article https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5796652/

I’d also have a plan for your son to follow through should your husband become violent such as call 911 and not to try to intervene, stay very calm while he is being aggressive. Another suggestion if I may, get your husband to start a hobby so his hands and brain are active during normal daylight hours.

For your son, perhaps he can get involved in sports or Scouting…

Make sure to let his doctors know ASAP

Keep in touch!

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I had a coiling that went wrong and had a stroke because of it. I have had emotional times. Quicker emotions and less patience. Sounds like your husband was a strong guy so he might feel vulnerable. Does he have a group he can go to? Seattle has many stroke groups to help w recommendations. They soften the blow and can give you outlets. Even caregivers. You are a godsend to him. I credit my husband to any recovery I’ve had.Take care