I was very tired and so I went to bed early last night. It not realize how much going back to work was gonna kick my butt. It’s very mentally challenging. Anyway, in the middle of the night last night, I saw that and I just started sobbing. I was holding my head, although I’m not sure it really felt that horrible, however, I still ached. But it was this terrible anxiety or all I could do is just cry and shake for about 45 minutes. I opted not to go to school because I was just too tired. even though I feel like I should be 100%, I realize I’m not. And the mental stress is really hard for me. I could do without a middle of the night panic attack though.
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@Abbycat70
I’m sorry to hear about how you feel. When I have read your posts about how you started to work again, I must say that I am not surprised. In my personal opinion I think that you have started working too many hours, too soon. Many of us have had the same experience, we think that we are ok, but we learned the hard way that we needed more time and rest. It’s only a few weeks ago since you had your head cracked open and your neurosurgeon was poking around in your brain. I actually think that how you feel now was expected.
Sometimes we take one step forward and two steps back. Remember that slow and steady wins the race.
Rest and replenish and ease your workload if you can, that’s my advice.
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Thank you, SPED is hard to back away from. I guess I felt like I could go fast because my doctor just shut my hand and said OK you’re good we don’t have to see one another again. He didn’t say it rude. He was just saying everything’s fine. But I guess he saying everything is fine from his standpoint maybe not mine.
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@Abbycat70 I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed with everything. It is very mentally challenging to have to deal with trying to heal and having to go to work. Make sure you put yourself first and heal. Work can wait. My workplace has waited 1.5 years for me to return and I am not ready yet. I have enough to deal with at home but adding work to it would definitely overwhelm me and I don’t want to have melt downs. I have suffered a few meltdowns, and they are not nice. Take the time to heal and back to your normal or close to. 
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My neurosurgeon was the same way. It is almost like they say, “I fixed you and it’s all okay.” They do need to understand there are effects after there is surgery, but they don’t really tell you that.
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Hey Suszanne,
This is a line I’ve been fed repeatedly. And it’s not that they are ‘clinically’ wrong. I’ve had the ‘joy’ (NOT) of enduring a few neurosurgeries each time they have gone in to deal with ‘an issue’ and clinically they have dealt with said issue BUT each time they’ve left me with lingering side effects.
They take their scans and compare them with the previous images and if the images show the desired changes, it’s considered a success. But those images don’t show pain, they don’t show side effects they only show the physical changes in the brain itself. I had had regular scans done annually. The radiologist’s reports stated ‘Nothing significant’, but my symptoms, WOW!!! I learnt to manage around it all as best I could. Some days I had the day under control, but then some days it all controlled me.
Merl from the Modsupport Team
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I have learned that as Merl says, from the surgical standpoint it’s their experienced based opinion that everything is good. Around year 2 after my rupture and my third procedure my wonderful Neurosurgeon told me my brain had healed all it was going to. I told her she was incorrect 
. When we talked about it at another appointment she explained that from her side of things there was nothing more she could do at that time and she had to pass me off to other specialists, primarily a Neurologist. She did keep doing the six month MRI/As and she tried really hard to find me other follow up places but at 60 miles away, it wasn’t feasible.
I find it interesting that members like you with craniotomy procedures rarely get long term follow ups, say a six month MRI just to check that the clip is where it’s supposed to be. I recall some get those or every year for a few years.
I also have a young friend who is a teacher. She is always exhausted the first week or two going back to school. I think it’s because teachers are very busy until everything gets back into the routine of things and all the meetings slow down to a more manageable schedule. She told me that the first two weeks her adrenaline is running full bore, when she gets home and can get her adrenaline down, she’s a mess. I would imagine that recovering from a craniotomy would just make all that worse. Hang in there Kassi! Rest when you can and maybe reach out to your PCP for something to help you sleep or help stop the panic attacks.
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Hello Abbycat -
I had my clipping of an unruptured aneurysm a year ago. I work in a school, too. Went back to work after 8 weeks - all motivated. Pulled through for a week and “collapsed” - just like you. Luckily, we had two weeks off after that one week, so I was able to stay at home and recover. I couldnt deal with the noise, the crowded corridors - a school is a very stressful environment for the brain - I realized that back then. After the two weeks I talked to the school principal and started a very slow reintegration. We have this opportunity here in Germany and I am still grateful for that. I worked four hours for two weeks, then 5 hours for two weeks and so on - until I was back to my normal eight hour day. That worked well for me. Starting with four hours gave me enough time after work to rest and recover. I am now working like i did pre-surgery but I am still more tired than before and sometimes the sensory overload comes back. Thats my new reality and I have to look after myself and practise better self care - something that the surgery has taught me.Long story short: You will get to your new normal and youll be able to work like before…it just takes time and patience. Be kind to yourself!
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I think part of the problem is I’m pushing myself harder than I did before. It’s like this OCD thing has set in and then completely immersed in my job and I’m driving everybody crazy because I am trying so hard to keep everything the way it’s supposed to be and I don’t want anything to slip in the wrong direction and so I’m just completely a bog down and thinking about it 24 seven which is making me tired.
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@Abbycat70
“ I think part of the problem is I’m pushing myself harder than I did before.”
I think so too. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s the start of a new work week. To repeat the same thing and crash again before the week is over doesn’t seem to be a good idea. I think you should think of yourself first and prioritize your recovery. What’s your plan moving forward?
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.
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strangest thing is, I become very OCD. I’m in my organizational skills are crap but the OCD comes in from things like I know I have to get something done and so I will obsess about it night and day without even being able to take a brain break because all I’m doing is obsessing about something. That has come from brain surgery.
Hey Abby,
OCD? The plus here is that you know it, you’ve identified it, that means you can work on it.
I didn’t know, I had to be told. I felt I was juggling all of these balls, trying to keep them all in the air all at once. If one dropped, they all dropped and that included me and when I dropped ‘ohhh it was messy’. When things were going well, I’d do a bit more and a bit more, but then when I crashed it took time to recover. I found I needed to slow my time (and my mind) down to even out the highs and lows.
My wife could see what I was doing. I had responsibilities, but I was pushing myself to achieve my goals and frying myself in the process. I’d plan my day, then at night I’d analyse what worked why it worked (or why it didn’t) going over and over and ov… I’d wake up more exhausted than I went to sleep. Sleeping tablets became my friend, not every night, but when that ‘mind-churning’ starts, I needed something to stop it because my mind wouldn’t stop. It’s still a ‘tool’ I use today.
You’re making progress and that’s good to hear. Learning about the ‘new’ you.
Merl from the Modsupport Team
I had a lady in my school that also said she had an aneurysm she had to get fixed. But I forgot to ask her whether she had a quilter clipped. There is a bit of difference between the two.
neither one is a joyous occasion.
I understand the biggest difference between clipping and coiling is the risks of having a portion of your skull removed versus endovascular. I was not a candidate for a craniotomy in her opinion despite a couple of her Residents thinking that would be the better option to stop the vasospams. I do recall really well the two year period, I’d been told it several times. Apparently someone ruptures, gets an endovascular treatment they have a higher chance of not making it for two years. Every time I was repaired, I’d go back to day one and have to start it all over again. That sucks…but skills in planned ignoring become much better.
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EVERYTIME “…have to start it all over again”. And OMG, I’m dreading it.
I always knew I was going to need further surgery but this is a bit more major than I anticipated, even on a bad day. But, by the sounds of it, it’s got to happen. I don’t actually have a choice.
I had to laugh at this 
‘Neurosurgery’ and ‘Joyous’ ??? Hmmm, not 2 words I’d put together
Merl from the Modsupport Team
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All I know is the harder I tried the more I crashed. I do what I can in the day because tomorrow is another day. I realize that I cannot go back to the job I had, so I am concentrating on new hobbies and furthering my knowledge in hobbies that I am passionate about. That is my new me. Why would I go back to a job, even if I loved it, that causes me stress and worry. It’s not going to happen because I value myself way to much. Before it was all about the students, well now it’s all about me. 
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