Depression 13 years post ruptured hemmoragic ba

I just wanted to reach out because I’m not doing well psychologically even 13 years post ba. I’ve lost everything that was near and dear and important to me. All I have left is my 14 yr old cat who I know for sure is holding on just to help me. Her health is not good and takes pills for high bp and thyroid. Poor girl, she’s gone blind and has basically no quality of life, but continues to be my bestie despite my miserable mood. My sleeping habits are poor, my eating habits are poor, my finances are poor, my living situation is poor and most importantly, my only son who is 36 yrs old has basically banished me from his life, except for when he needs something from me. I am no longer able to hold down a decent job and had to resort to disability pension years ago due to a learning deficit which I developed post ba. Every part of me and my pathetic life is an example of where you can end up when you actually survive a rupture. I am sorry for being so negative and I know I am probably, again, the exception, but I really was grateful at first to have survived, I was rich with friends, family and life. Now I’ve managed to destroy it all. What used to be is gone forever and I cannot find a reason to smile anymore.

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Hi Anne T. I know exactly how you feel. My rupture was 19 years ago. I was so glad to survive as I had a 12 year old son. After the rupture my personality changed dramatically - my son said it was like looking at my mum who looked the same but was a different person. I went from being a bubbly, popular, social butterfly to an introverted, frightened stay at home. Over the years I have suffered extreme anxiety and depression which I still have. I no longer enjoy going out or socializing. I get bouts of agoraphobia and have not had a holiday for many years due to being afraid of leaving home. Its like living in an isolated world as nobody understands what I am going through. I have been on disability pension for many years. I have lost interest in nearly everything I used to be interested in and an invitation for dinner sometimes feels like a death threat. I want to feel normal again but my anxiety is so high that I wake up shaking sometimes. When people ask me about the rupture I tell them that it was awful but the years that followed were worse.

I am still so grateful that I was able to live and bring up my son who is now 32. I have started to go out for dinner with my friend sometimes and I even go and visit her on the spur of the moment. I am taking my son out for his birthday at the weekend. He is married to an American girl but she is still in America due to the Covid situation. She will come live here soon. we hope.

Keep holding on and take things step by step. There are several ways of earning money from home which will bring you in an extra income and give you something to concentrate on.

I am a Christian (this is what has kept me strong) and I will say a prayer for you. Good luck to you and I hope very much that things will start to improve in the near future. God bless

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Hi Skippy and thank you so much for taking the time to write. Sometimes just knowing others are suffering just as you are helps to relieve some of the guilt and burden of not being who I used to be. My life is no longer the same as before and I’ve cried many tears and suffered much depression and even sought professional help to get through. But I cannot forgive my body for letting me down and cannot accept who I have become. I too was a social butterfly, had an excellent job, worked out at the gym 3x week, walked the 60k weekend to end breastcancer 2x in a row, and I’m so stubborn, I still go to the gym now, but can’t remember the routines we learn in my classes - no one knows why but I do and I hate myself. I took up acting in local plays since my ba thinking that would help heal my memory problem but it doesn’t, the memory cannot be restored to where it used to be pre-ba. So I work 10x as much as the other actors to memorize my lines.

I find the isolation from Covid just sent me spiraling down the hole of no return. I have always been a fighter, which is why I am alive today, the doctors who treated me told me there is no explanation for me to have survived, but I did and here I am wallowing in self pity. I’d rather be gone than to live this. I’ve eliminated many people from my life who would have given anything to help me, but honestly I’m just too far gone. Covid just gave me the excuse I needed to isolate, and now that everything is opening back up, I’m not happy about it because that means I must once again get my ass back out there and act like I’m having fun. But I’m really not.

On the job front I have had many part time jobs, my last one was the best for me at a Long Term Care Home for the elderly and dying - I was there 8 years, and then guess what, Covid hit and I couldn’t handle the stress. I know there’s other jobs, but because of my learning center disability, it takes a special type of employer to have the patience with me. I’ve been told by one previous boss, who incidentally was also a Psychologist, ‘what’s the matter with you anyways? you’re looking at me like deer in the headlights’, that really hit home. they fired me shortly thereafter. I found another job, and I made the stupid mistake of mentioning that apparently ‘I look like a deer in the headlights’ - that boss said yeah it’s true, and fired me shortly thereafter. In my previous life, I was the boss with the photogenic memory. Now I can’t even remember a page I read in a novel.

Yes, life as I knew it has completely vanished. Along with my only child, my son who can’t deal with me. If at least he was willing to have a relationship it would help enormously. I’m 64 yrs old, and all my friends brag about their grandbabies - something I will never get to enjoy - apparently one of the greatest joys of getting old. He did say to me a few years ago that ‘apparently you think it’s your God given right to have a grandchild well it’s not…’ what that said to me is I don’t deserve that joy.

Luckily I have not had anxiety or agoraphobia since my ba - but I do know exactly what those afflictions can do to a person. I suffered from both of those in my mid 20’s and was lucky enough to refuse the medication and deal on my own terms. It took me many years but I managed to overcome one thing at a time. For that I am grateful to not be reliving now.

Thanks again Skippy, and btw you mentioned your son’s girlfriend is in america but you’re not, what part of the world are you in?

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Hi Anne. Thank you for your reply. We seem to have a few things in common. I too worked as a care worker for the elderley and disabled for 6 years. I retired last year. My memory is not crash hot either - think that is very common in ruptured aneurysm victims. My son found it hard to deal with my situation too - we very always very close but seemed to drift apart after a few years of my Burst Anni. Now we are close again so I hope that you and your son can build your bridges and become close again. I am sure it will happen. Our kids find it difficult to deal with what we went through as it displays to them that we are not immortal and it scares them so they would rather get aggresive and cold than deal with it. It is how we react to them that matters. I have had to eat humble pie a lot to get back on track with my son again but it was worth it. I had the grandchildren talk with my son too (or argument). when he told me he and his wife were not having children. Now they have sort of changed their minds. I told him I was really disappointed about not being a grandmother but would support their decision.

Also like you I was very lucky to survive. I was in the Australian National Newspaper as the West Australian Miracle Lady. I died three times and was brought back to life…

I didnt mind lock down at all as it was normal for me - it just meant that people were not pressuring me to visit them. I too eliminated people from my life by locking myself away. I started an ironing business to bring in money and it escalated so I was able to work from home.

You asked where I live - I was born in England but have lived in Australia for over 50 years. 25 in Sydney and the remainder in this paradise called Perth, Western Australia. I am very lucky. Where are you from?

Please do not hate yourself, you are a survivor and a strong woman - you should be proud of yourself. Not many people have survived what you have survived. If people have trouble accepting you for what you are - take no notice they are not worth bothering about.

Stay strong and take each day at a time - remember you are a survivor and will continue surviving

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What an interesting conversation @Anne_T and @skippy you’re having! Personality changes are a common occurrence after rupture that’s pretty much a given in my opinion. And loss of memory, oh my gosh isn’t it a battle? I used to love the high squeals of young children but not so much anymore, hurts my brain. But what I’m reading is two strong members who are able to make small goals and turn them into big ones.

@Anne_T you are still exercising which is phenomenal! And to have the strength to even get on stage is outstanding, it’s something I really couldn’t do, trust me on that. @skippy ironing for an income is something I would have never thought of doing and I do remember how to iron only because I started ironing some items again. I’m trying to reteach myself how to sew on a machine LOL as I’ve broken the dang needle and got it stuck. But when Summer chores are over I’ll head it over to the shop and see if they can help me out. I was trying to hem pants of different materials and didn’t change the needle, didn’t even think of it until after it broke, criminey!

I take much longer to do simple chores, but I never give up, even if I have to take a nap and then get back to it. I explain to BH what my plans are and why I’m doing things they way I’m doing them. In the beginning it was a lot of suggestions of why I should do things a different way, but after a few years, I get to do them the way I want and it’s easier for me to stay on task now.

@Anne_T I’m going to challenge you here on something… you said you’ve lost everyone and then your reply said your friends are bragging about their grandchildren, so you really haven’t lost everyone have you? And I don’t see why grandchildren become so important that we have to tell our children they need to have them. Luckily for my parents, they had four children two of which provided the grandchildren. Around age 17, I knew I didn’t want any and a brother never had them though we were both great with children, better than the two who did have children. When I met our oldest brother’s son, he was a few months old and wouldn’t stop crying despite all the efforts of his mother. Oldest brother tells her to give him to me and then insists on it. In seconds flat he stopped his crying, thank goodness. But I did have to put on a clean shirt and change a diaper…I really liked Skippy’s response about supporting their decisions. If we can support our children in their decisions it makes life less stressful. One thing that can be done to have the joy of little babies is to volunteer at the local hospital to help with NICU babies. There’s always more than they can hold and rock. Of course that will have to wait for a bit.

Anne_T, your son still comes to visit, even if it’s just when he wants something. Can you invite him over for a meal? Perhaps fix some his childhood favorites and just talk about safe subjects.

Again, an interesting discussion as so many of us have personality changes…

All the best,
Moltroub

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What helped me was getting back to things I loved. I became closed off after mine. I developed Agoraphobia and was scared to be alone. I am into fitness and was scared to
Go back to it. I talked to my Neurosurgeon about my fears and he said,
Go live your life. So thats what I’ve done. I lift weights again, I go biking and I haven’t had another Aneurysm. I know 3 women who have more than one and they also live their lives and they inspired me inspired me. If you were gonna die you would have, but you lived. Get out there and live the life you’re supposed to have, do it for the ones who weren’t lucky enough to survive. Go out and enjoy the air and breathe deep knowing you have this second chance.

Reach out to your son even if it drives him nuts. Send a text with just a heart every once in a while. Reach out to those friends you haven’t talked to and invite them for coffee or dinner. It took me a couple years to get to this point but I’m not looking back.

Take care and you got this!

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I have enjoyed reading all the posts in this thread, I am sorry to say I makes me feel better knowing there are people “out there” who have gone/are going through the emotions I am having/have had. I am five and a half years post rupture. Before I used to bike a lot and enjoyed running, now with my balance problems I can’t ride a bike, but I get out on my trike and it is great to feel the wind on my face. I have not worked again since my rupture (I couldn’t, as I can only hold a single idea in my head at any time). I have been incredibly fortunate to have a very understanding and loving wife who has helped me through this, and this group have helped so much, I love all the positivity I get from the posts.

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Hi y’all - I think to a degree it just makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone. Technically, I don’t think covid has helped at all but we are special because we’ve survived. I’d like to think that if we can survive the multiple hospitalizations and surgeries, we can survive the rest of it. :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Hi Moltroub. Thank you so much for your input to the conversation. I am so sorry that you went through so much. Yes, the memory loss is a battle. Sticky notes everywhere LOL. I dont think anyone else can understand the uphill battle after rupture unless they have been through it themselves.

It is good to have This site as it makes us realize that we are not alone in our problems. I sincerely hope that things get better for you day by day - after all what doesnt kill us makes us stronger.

Take care
Margi x

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@skippy sticky notes…wish I’d bought stock in the company! From sticky notes to white board to using Notes on my phone, it’s a progression isn’t it? And a heck of a lot of work. I look at each new day as being better than the day before, sometimes I have to work at it to make it so. Sometimes it just is. I haven’t figured out if our motto should be “Never Give Up” or “I’m brain damaged, what’s your excuse?”

Thank you for the kind words!
Moltroub

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Hello Anne
I’m am sorry to hear your predicament. I do know what your are going thru. I’ve had a dissected carotid. I lived thru it and I am thankful. My family and friends don’t come around either. It’s like they have used me up and threw me away. I feel like the puppy that grew up and now is out back tired up. It’s not a good feeling. I’ve realized nothing is the same and never will be. I’ve found what few things that make me happy tell myself I will not be negative. I know it’s hard because I do it too. I find joys in different ging’s like flowers and animals. I know it’s not a lot but I was left here on earth for a reason. For me to be happy with me. I’m still learning that. I haven’t given up and I hope you don’t either. I am very sorry your having a bad time. I wish I could help

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Hi Moltroub and thank you for your kind words. I would just like to clarify a few things that may have been misunderstood.

I did not really ‘loose’ friends, I eliminated many because I was and still am into the self isolating - I do have a few very close and understanding friends left in my life who really ‘get’ me, instead of the others who I felt were judging and not comprehending who I have become. The friends I refer to who are ‘bragging’ although I don’t think I used that term but it may have come across that way, are all my old buddies from high school who I’ve reunited with on facebook, posting picture after picture of their beautiful grandbabies, and every time I see these reminds me what I’ll never have.

No my son never comes to visit, as a matter of fact if I die today, he won’t even know where I live. the story of my son is complicated, and any communication is always on his terms and his convenience. I don’t believe he really loves me as his mother anymore despite who I used to be. I always watch my words with him and try to stay on safe subjects as you say. If and when we do get together, it’s always about him and not about how mom is doing. He really doesn’t care.

The amazing thing about this site is the confirmation that all of us survivors are suffering in the same way, and it 's interesting to hear the different ways we find to achieve our goals. The overwhelming common traits include memory loss, isolating and loss of self. Thank you each and every one for your important and valuable contributions here. You have all helped me enormously to understand that what I am going through is normal for ba survivors, and of course why would the world at large understand this, they have not lived what we have. Thanks again and please write more should you feel like it, this helps not only me but so many others as well.

Thanks for the clarification @Anne_T, it helps, a lot. I don’t do FB…so I’m grateful I don’t have that mess to contend with in my life. BH does FB and I’ve noticed some facts presented as truths may not be so…I go with the adage of “things may not be as they appear” philosophy.

After I ruptured, I could no longer deal with drama and chaos or arguing. They all increased my deficiencies I had at the time. The healthiest thing was for me to distance myself from those people and so I did. Funny thing is, it helped me to become healthier by reducing my stress. Having stress reduced helped me relearn things I once enjoyed and I do enjoy learning so I don’t mind having to continuously relearn…

Family is a complicated entity isn’t it? For family members who have distanced themselves from each other for whatever the reasons can be painful, but at the same time it can also reduce our stress level. As you can probably tell, I’m a big fan of stress reduction.

Have you been reading this thread? Depression and anxiety - #7 by midwifemoore

I really like @Cathy1 advice of trying something new…I would urge everyone to read it and follow her advice!

All the best,
Moltroub

Hi Anne, I do wonder if your own feelings of inadequacy lead you to believe your son is right and it really is all your fault. I went through a similar journey with my oldest son and I am grateful this was long before I ruptured as I definitely questioned myself on what or where did I go wrong. But really, it was his journey and he needed to find that balance in himself and it was just so much easier to blame it on somebody or something else.

The rabbit hole of depression is a deep one and I am sure since rupture I am never really fully out of it just doing my best to sit somewhere near the top where I can still see the light.

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