Who all has felt this way? I’m pissed that a stupid little thing ruptured & changed my whole world. Yes, I am doing well, and yes I realize my blessings with a grateful attitude… But I’m angry and I want my life back. The constant anxiety, fear, stress & inability to relax are impeding my recovery. My recovery is mostly emotional, it seems. I had a CT scan done in the ER last night after facial numbness scared me… Showed moderate encephalomalacia in the right temporal lobe, a 5 mm “something” posterior frontal lobe right side, but no other abnormalities. Artifacts from the clips were seen on the right middle cerebral artery. The ER doc called a neurosurgeon here to report it to him & he said given my event in February, that sounds normal & the “something” shown may be bone from the ventriculostomy. Ohhh. I see my neurosurgeon at 9:15 tomorrow, and I’m going in with questions. I want to know what happened to me. The truth with no details spared. Since it was my right side, what should I expect with temporal lobe damage? What things prompt immediate medical attention? I cannot afford (financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically) to keep freaking out & running to the doctor anytime something feels off. Now I’m just starting to get pissed because I just feel like I’ll take 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. I’m young & don’t want to live my life like this. I’m not suicidal or anything, I just want to get my life back.
Help me, tell me anything you might know about what I’ve said here & your own experiences. I ruptured on February 4 of this year, surgery was February 6. I know I’m only 4 months in… But I’d just like to know when things start to level out and the fears subside. My situation was a complete surprise & I only found out about the aneurysm because it ruptured. But I have no risk factors except my mom’s aunt & cousin had ruptures. Aunt lived, cousin did not. Other then that, I’m not old, don’t smoke, don’t have high blood pressure (except in intense emotions or white coat syndrome sometimes–never consistently high) I’m not overweight (5’1", 110 lbs and I was 133 when I went into the hospital) not a heavy drinker… Maybe 3 drinks a month except on those very occasional wild nights out.
Hmm… I don’t know, y’all… But I’ll appreciate whatever you can give me. Thank you.
I am pretty pissed myself. I can feel it bubble right under the surface. Yes, I am grateful, but I am also changed and this pisses me off because I don't have a handle on myself yet. Mine ruptured 2 days after christmas this year. I had a double anni. I have NO risk factors. Not anyone in my family has had one, I was 35 when it ruptured. I don't smoke and rarely, if ever, drink. I don't have high blood pressure or cholesterol. I have no risks; yet, here I am.
My hand gets tingly at times, but I do the stroke assessment to make sure.
I feel you. I understand completely.
My friend asked me about an hour ago: I wonder if you realize how recently you had your injury? It takes some people years to get over much more simple injuries that what you suffered.
A good question and makes me take one small step back and reanalyze. But, I am still pretty pissed off.
I feel the exact same way as you!!! EXACT!! I didn't even have my surgery yet....I am trying to cope and look at the excellent results and YEARS people have living normal lives after clipping. So, odds are you will be FINE!!!! You will go on to live a happy and healthy life and the worry will ease with time. Just think of all the people who never had their head checked before, they are more likely to have something happen than you or me at this point. So, hang in there and hope you work through it OK.
Please stop and count your blessings! Get to know what is the new normal for you so that you will know what to worry about and what is just an annoyance.
Being angry won't change anything. Getting all the details from the doctor won't change anything. You have to accept what has happened to you and move forward. Please consider that, in the overall scheme of things, you are quite well off. If it is not already crystal clear to you just how blessed you are, please take some time and read the experiences of others on this site,
Most people who have ruptured aneurysms find out by surprise. I was quite surprised. My risk factors were very similar to yours, i.e., my mother had one maternal aunt who ruptured. However, no one else in our VERY large family, except me, has ruptured in the 64 years since my grandaunt had her rupture. For this, I am thankful. (In 1958 my aunt actually survived here surgery and lived for a number of weeks. I know that she was released from the hospital and spent several days at my grandmother's house before her death. Amazing considering the technology at that time!)
I was 19 and weighed 115 lbs at 5'3". I didn't drink at all and had no health issues. As you can see, the script is very similar. Like you, I would have preferred that I hadn't had a rupture. I also would prefer that I didn't have three more annies to "worry about". But, that's the hand I've been dealt and, as my mother and I discussed just yesterday, I would not "put my troubles in a bag with anyone else's" for what I might get back could be even worse.
If you're as lucky as I have been, you will live for a very long time "post craniotomy". Like me, God spared you for a reason. Please make the most of your post clipping life.
Carole, I agree with what you have said. But, and there is that but, I could be wrong; yet, I firmly believe that we have to deal with our anger first in order to heal. If we just tamp it down with the "grateful" feeling we will end up with our emotions exploding all over the place.
Your point is well taken.
The key is to acknowledge the anger, disappointment, sadness and grief that you feel. Scream, cry, rant and rave, whatever is necessary to express it. Then move on. Otherwise, anger will sap your spirit. The timeline for emotional recovery differs for each of us just as does the timeline for physical recovery. In both cases, the goal is the same.
The old adage is true: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!"
I hope I didn't offend you :(
Maybe I need to start going back to church so I can gain some of that faith back. I dunno. :/
I believe I am just an impatient person by nature. I have gained patience for others since this occurred, but I have an anger deep inside when I realize I cannot do things as quickly or whatnot. Plus I have my ankle injury that has made things quite difficult. I came home from my burst anni with a walker and cast on my foot. I dont know though. Until I find the root of my anger I cannot mend. Or I feel I cannot mend.
And, that, is why I am so thankful for this support group - ya'll are helping quite a bit!
May the Lord bless you on this journey. I, too, am very angry and afraid most of the time. I am going to counseling because the surgery was so traumatic for me. I wasn't dealing well at all. Healing is slow, I had 2 annies stented & coiled 2/2011 and then after discharge I had an SAH. I dealt ok at first but as time wore on and little progress was made with the severe pain, fatigue, and frustration I became angry and sad. After many tests and trial on medication I am finally feeling more like my old self. I take Celexa for the anxiety & depression and my local Neurologist referred me to Physical Therapy for Enterx therapy and it as made a world of difference in the number and severity of the migraines, which had been debilitating. Just take one hour at a time and know that as hard as this is, it is what we have to do, that is our only option. I love the Lord with all of my heart and many days I begged Him to end my life because I could not handle being so ill. As time passes and you read more on this site you will not only gain strength you will gain determination. Keep in touch and thank you for your honest sharing of your feelings.