So I’ve been trying to handle my mother’s affairs and have gotten some amazing support from members. I wanted to share some things I’ve learned
It was okay to ask Hospice to admit my mother when I could no longer take physical care of her. The stress and physical needs to care for someone who can no longer help truly affected my tremors and aphasia. It was disheartening to have to have her admitted on her birthday. It was upsetting to hear the nurse use terms such as “caregiver failure”. But the nurse explained it was an attempt to get Medicaid to pay for the stay. That was for naught, as the Dr. admitted her as “acute”. Dying is not payable for facility Hospice care. But the inability to adequately treat a patient at home is.
My mother donated her body to a teaching hospital. It was against her religion’s teaching. So there was one short comment to the priest and that was that. If this is something you feel compelled to do, do it now, don’t wait until the last few weeks, it sorta upsets the person who does all the paperwork. Here’s a link that explains the process better
http://m.wikihow.com/Donate-Your-Body-to-Science
It can take up to two years for the teaching hospital to cremate and we do have to pay our funeral director transportation and some other things. Remember, no body, no funeral but we did have a memorial service.
Having a will makes things so much easier - just do it, stops the family angst, it doesn’t matter if you own squat, it clarifies what you want done. Know both the Federal and State laws, a good attorney can help with this. My parents had my name on all the accounts so here where I live, it’s not considered part of the estate. But there were some things not mentioned in the will so that has to be sold.
Maybe this should be under RonK’s declutter discussion - there is absolutely no reason to keep junk mail for 30 years. Get rid of it before it comes into the house! File important papers where they can be easily found, not scattered through the house or in dozens of boxes. If clothes don’t fit or are stained, ripped etc., get rid of them -donate or trash. Some things will have special meaning, like the baptismal dress your children used, or your wedding dress that was handmade by your family- give them to family to use, or display them. Photographs of friends and family are nice, write the names and the date in the back so folks know who they’re looking at! And don’t hoard old drugs - Hospice taught us to put a bottle or two in a ziplock baggy with some cat litter, get it damp enough that the litter will become like concrete, but mix it all up first! If I can figure out why my mom kept old skivvy’s in ziplock bags with sizes written on them, I’ll be a happy camper! Don’t open three bags of depends or those incontinence pads, unopened things can be donated to Hospice, open ones have to be trashed or given to people you know.
We recently found out my partner of 22 years probably has cancer, but the TIA last Friday night has stopped all surgical procedures for a bit. So the biggest lesson - tell the people you love, that you love them every day. Keep your glass half full, or pour it into a smaller glass. Compassion and patience goes far. Don’t underestimate your ability to care, even just sitting down and talking without the television blaring goes a long way. And a quiet walk with the ones you love is irreplaceable!
I hope this inspires some folks to get their home de cluttered, write down or voice memo memories so others will have them, look around at things you’ve collected - would you want to receive those things? Who else would want them? Stories that go with items are great to inspire others to keep the things that mean the most to you. Well, back to clearing out closets and boxes…