Death Raises the Bar

So I’ve been trying to handle my mother’s affairs and have gotten some amazing support from members. I wanted to share some things I’ve learned

It was okay to ask Hospice to admit my mother when I could no longer take physical care of her. The stress and physical needs to care for someone who can no longer help truly affected my tremors and aphasia. It was disheartening to have to have her admitted on her birthday. It was upsetting to hear the nurse use terms such as “caregiver failure”. But the nurse explained it was an attempt to get Medicaid to pay for the stay. That was for naught, as the Dr. admitted her as “acute”. Dying is not payable for facility Hospice care. But the inability to adequately treat a patient at home is.

My mother donated her body to a teaching hospital. It was against her religion’s teaching. So there was one short comment to the priest and that was that. If this is something you feel compelled to do, do it now, don’t wait until the last few weeks, it sorta upsets the person who does all the paperwork. Here’s a link that explains the process better

http://m.wikihow.com/Donate-Your-Body-to-Science

It can take up to two years for the teaching hospital to cremate and we do have to pay our funeral director transportation and some other things. Remember, no body, no funeral but we did have a memorial service.

Having a will makes things so much easier - just do it, stops the family angst, it doesn’t matter if you own squat, it clarifies what you want done. Know both the Federal and State laws, a good attorney can help with this. My parents had my name on all the accounts so here where I live, it’s not considered part of the estate. But there were some things not mentioned in the will so that has to be sold.

Maybe this should be under RonK’s declutter discussion - there is absolutely no reason to keep junk mail for 30 years. Get rid of it before it comes into the house! File important papers where they can be easily found, not scattered through the house or in dozens of boxes. If clothes don’t fit or are stained, ripped etc., get rid of them -donate or trash. Some things will have special meaning, like the baptismal dress your children used, or your wedding dress that was handmade by your family- give them to family to use, or display them. Photographs of friends and family are nice, write the names and the date in the back so folks know who they’re looking at! And don’t hoard old drugs - Hospice taught us to put a bottle or two in a ziplock baggy with some cat litter, get it damp enough that the litter will become like concrete, but mix it all up first! If I can figure out why my mom kept old skivvy’s in ziplock bags with sizes written on them, I’ll be a happy camper! Don’t open three bags of depends or those incontinence pads, unopened things can be donated to Hospice, open ones have to be trashed or given to people you know.

We recently found out my partner of 22 years probably has cancer, but the TIA last Friday night has stopped all surgical procedures for a bit. So the biggest lesson - tell the people you love, that you love them every day. Keep your glass half full, or pour it into a smaller glass. Compassion and patience goes far. Don’t underestimate your ability to care, even just sitting down and talking without the television blaring goes a long way. And a quiet walk with the ones you love is irreplaceable!

I hope this inspires some folks to get their home de cluttered, write down or voice memo memories so others will have them, look around at things you’ve collected - would you want to receive those things? Who else would want them? Stories that go with items are great to inspire others to keep the things that mean the most to you. Well, back to clearing out closets and boxes…

Moultroub, I so wish I could reach out and give you a big, long, warm hug. Thank you.

I’m so sorry you are going through this - I pray your partner is ok too- big big hugs

I went through this for 15 years taking care of my parents so that they could live and die in their own home. It ruined me in too many ways to count. I am sorry that you had to experience it. Nightmare.

Moltroub, YOU are amazing. Truly amazing and inspiring. You're in my thoughts. JulesG

I love hugs! Thanks all!

Funny Campanile, I never saw being the caretaker as a nightmare. The nightmare of course for me is all the stuff they had Yikes! My niece better rent a big truck lol

My parents helped take care of me when I had back surgery and when I got home from the rupture. They babysat me, their baby until I was released to be home alone. And then we talked every couple hours. My parents were both encouraging of me not to let either emergency surgery control my life. I helped mow and other yard work with Dad and Mom would try to reteach me how to cook. Frustrating and scary for them. And being steady as a rock is my partner who only jumped in when my health became compromised helping with Dad.

We’ve already worked out the cooking dilemma - we have several small businesses that pre make meals so they’re heat and eat, I can grill and do prep work, some friends and new neighbors have offered to come cook if needed. So if things get yucky, we will be good. We sit together and hold hands, occasionally talk, and I always do what I’m told …well when I remember.

My cup is more than half full and I hope each of yours is as well. I wouldn’t trade this life and all its experiences for anything. I have been loved, I am loved, and I have loved and continue to love. What more can one ask for? Except hugs, I like me some good healthy hugs:)

Lol, I had a panic/PTSD attack reading your first post, because I not only took care of both my parents, who had serious medical issues and their house, but I also helped my husband to empty and prepare my in-law’s house for sale. It was jam packed-dog damaged-filthy and everything in it was nicely varnished in nicotine. As proud as I am of what I accomplished for both our families, it really was too much.



You sound like you have worked out a brilliant plan for the future. Kudos. Being prepared and organized allows you to have stress free time for what is important.I am impressed.
(:


Hugs,



Elle

The dust is settling a bit now, isn't it, Moultroub? And here you are, thinking in constructive and positive and inspiring terms. You ARE amazing. You and your partner WILL work through this. You know it won't be easy, but you (both) are strong, experienced in "dealing" and resourceful.

I can't remember where I saw it (it may have been something you said -- it sounds like you) but the other day I saw a really good one:

"When your glass is half full, pour it into a smaller glass"

That was very thought-provoking for me. May you, dear Moultroub, always have a full glass!

Seenie

I have been lucky my parents are 83 and 75 and still doing pretty well.

Since my sah I can not deal with clutter. I have taken many loads to the dump and scrap yard and donation to charity. It makes me happy every time I go knowing I or anyone else will never have to move this stuff again!

My family has been very supportive of the new me. I still have a hard time believing I will probably not be going back to work.

Good saying with the smaller cup! Mine has been down sized!

Ellie! I understand completely. I took care of my parents last year to the point my neurosurgeon grounded me. We had to have serious discussions with both of them. But they had already buried one child and refused it could happen to me.

So today is more boxes, more envelopes, trip to bank to open an estate account and to sell moms new car that wasn’t in the will. Then to start sending letters and faxes I am so happy my parents lawyer and her paralegal are fantastic working with me. I need clarification on most everything and then to figure out a way to do things without going into the more populated areas

Yes the smaller cup thing was one my partner read on FB. I really like it

I’m glad your parents are doing well Mark! Now is the time to get them to an elder care attorney if they haven’t already done so. I couldn’t imagine trying to do this without my parents attorney, the trust, and the will. Then there’s joint rights of survivorship, etc. a whole new language for me! The upside- the clerks remember me;)